2. December 2016

10 Comments

My Odd Sock Christmas Wish List

IMG_1715

Dear Santa,

Hope you are well.

I have been a good MSer this year.

Listed below are some things I would like for Christmas……

 

 

 

soap on a ropeSoap-On-A-Rope-   It is amazing how many times the bar of soap slips from my hands during a shower.

I end up kicking the soap with the foot skills of a soccer player to get it into the proper position for me to bend over & pick it up.

My feet get cleaner than the rest of me!

 

 

Cane Tip-   Yes, the rubber end of my cane.  I walk so slow, yet the tip of my cane wears out so fast.  What gives?  I need something like a radial tip!  I even rotate it—twisting it around so it wears evenly.  How pathetic!

 

 

the cure

 

 

The Cure-   Not an MS cure.  “The Cure”, the band.

Seriously, I don’t anticipate a cure in my lifetime, I just hope for the sake of our kids they don’t have to go through what we do!

 

 

 

 

Velcro Shirt-   Santa, how ’bout a dress shirt with velcro fasteners, instead of buttons!

Cripes, the other day, it took me over 15 minutes to button a dress shirt.  When I was done–my hands & fumble-fingers were friggin exhausted!

 

 

“I’m Not Deaf–I Have MS” t-shirt-   Why do people talker louder & slower to me?  I am in a wheelchair–NOT on the short bus!

 

 

bowling shoes

 

Fashionable Bowling Shoes-   Not to bowl in—to walk in!  Some good sliders.  I shuffle when I walk, so bowling shoes would work great! 

Most shoes grip the floor like cleats on a football field.

I end up doing so many face plants, the shine on my head is from floor wax!

 

 

Winter-Chill rolling

 

All-Weather Rollator-   I would love a rollator that comes with a heated seat and anti-lock brakes for winter walking….

 

 

IMG_0015

 

 

…yet, has a beverage cooler for those hot, summer days!

 

 

 

 

Bed Ejector-   Lately, getting out of bed has been difficult.  With full-body spasms & muscle tightness, I claw & scramble like a bug on its back.  A bed ejector would launch me to my wobbly feet!

 

 

top gun

 

G-Force Toilet Seat-   Exerting downward g-forces would make going potty so much easier!  (And make me feel like Tom Cruise in “Top Gun.”)  I gotta go, but I can’t…”Maverick, let’s do a barrel roll to get the flow started!”

 

 

 

The Waist-band GPS

 

Waist-band GPS-   Because you don’t know when—you might as well know where!

Pants with a built-in GPS would tell you where the nearest bathroom is located!

Guaranteed, you’ll never leave home without it!

 

 

So Santa, that is what I want for Christmas this year.

Please tell Rudolph and Mrs. Claus I said hi.  Thank you.

Your friend,

My Odd Sock

P.S.  I will leave cookies & milk for you!

sock

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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21. November 2016

4 Comments

Product Placement

 

Good stuff you don't need.

Good stuff you don’t need.

 

So many products.  So many choices.

The world is an endless marketplace.

That’s why My Odd Sock is here to help you sort through the good, the bad & the downright silly goods all vying for the dough in your pocketbook.

 

Let’s go shopping shall we…..

 

Petzi Remote Treat Cam

 

Innovation at its worst.

Innovation at its worst.

 

The Petzi Remote Treat Cam is a unique way to see and speak to your pets through an app while you are away.

 

The Petzi can even dispense dog treats at your command!

 

Watch out!

Watch out!

 

 

My gut reaction says when Fido figures out this gizmo is filled with treats…this will be the last thing you’ll see before he rips the unit off the wall to get to the goodies inside!

 

 

 

Shower Wow

 

Like Cirque Du Soleil in my shower!

Like Cirque Du Soleil in my shower!

The Shower Wow is the lighted shower head that has graced this website in the past

Here, I just noticed the disclaimer…”Not available in Colorado & California.”

Why isn’t the Shower Wow sold in these two states?

Both states have legalized marijuana so if anyone wants a psychedelic shower—it’s someone from Colorado & California!

“Wow, man it’s a trip to get clean!”

 

 

Dyson Supersonic Hair Dryer

 

You've GOT to be kidding!

You’ve GOT to be kidding!

 

Leave it to the engineers at Dyson to complicate the way you dry your hair.

Introducing a “supersonic hair dryer”…for a mere four hundred dollars!

Are they outta their mind?

If I want “ultra fast drying” I’ll do 45 & stick my head out the window of the ol’ Honda Fit.

Four hundred bucks for a hair dryer?  I think Dyson is smoking the same stuff as the makers of the Shower Wow.

 

 

Nioxin Hair Treatment

 

I'm not lying--check the tape!

I’m not lying–check the tape!

 

 

Here’s a bottle of hair treatment named after the 37th President of the United States (or so I believe).

 

 

 

I am not a crook!

I am not a crook!

 

It’s good to see ex-presidents keeping busy.  Who knew Tricky Dick had such lush hair!

 

 

 

Cottonelle Clean Care Toilet Paper

 

A brick of TP!

A brick of TP!

 

 

Lastly, we have Cottonelle Clean Care Toilet Paper.

 

I noticed this package in our hallway.

 

 

 

Who knew the need?

Who knew the need?

 

Cottonelle Clean Care features  a “clean ripple texture designed to clean better.”

Am I wiping with toilet paper or Ruffles potato chips?

Notice everything is trademarked, registered & copyrighted too…like Charmin is gonna steal this “new” technology?

 

I wonder if the person who came up with the “clean ripple” design was excited to rush home & add that to his or her profile on LinkedIn?

“In 2016, I developed the clean-ripple texture for Cottonelle.”

 

This package I found contained 45 family-sized rolls of toilet paper.  “Over 10,000 sheets,” it said on the package.

Someone in my family must be anticipating a massive colon-blow!

A Montezuma’s Revenge of epic proportions!

 

Terrible flood waters this year.

Terrible flood waters this year.

 

 

 

I’m thinking only the folks of the flood zones could have the need for this much toilet paper.

 

 

The perfect barrier!

The perfect barrier!

 

 

 

 

 

Instead of sand bags, crews could have built dykes of Cottonelle to absorb & contain the flowing water.

 

 

 

Oh well, what do I know.  Enough product placement from me.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving and we’ll see you next week!

 

sock

 

 

 

 

 

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14. November 2016

4 Comments

Change

 

Some good.  Some bad.

Some good. Some bad.

 

A lot of change has occurred in recent days.

A change in seasons.

The weather changed.

Some changed their clocks.

In sports, champions change.

Ranking change. 

Relationships change.

Even last week we had a change in leaders.

 

And through all this change, one thing remains steadfast—we have our multiple sclerosis.

MS hangs in there like the stubborn SOB it is.

Through thick & thin.  Good times & bad, I can always count on MS to be there as I try to walk to the kitchen.  Or get out of bed.

The tightness.  The weakness.  The fatigue.

MS is there every shuffled-step of the way.

 

If Multiple Sclerosis isn’t bothered by change, why does change affect our MS?

 

How many points do I get?

How many points do I get?

Change works hard to throw you off kilter.  Change messes with your system.  Breaks your routine.  All of which unfortunately can dampen your spirit.  Weakening your impulse to fight.

That’s why today it is even more important to put up yor dukes and keep at it.

Move what you can—as much as you can.

Stretch what you can—as far as you can.

Do what makes you feel good (within reason for God’s sake).

And don’t let change get you down.  MS does that enough as it is.

Take a break from news & social media (but not this blog, mind you).

Treat yourself well and your body will respond.

Keep your head up  & look change in the eye.  Keep looking until it glances away.

Change is no match for what you have dealt with since your diagnosis of MS.

Be strong.  Be positive.  Be relentless.

 

Now help me down from this soapbox before I fall—I’m getting dizzy.

sock

 

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9. November 2016

2 Comments

Language Barrier

 

Say again?

Say again?

 

 

I am an American.

Born here.  Raised here.

I speak English.  Always have.

Although I DID take a full-year of Romanian in college…and enjoyed it, I barely remember any of the language.  (It was college, okay?)

 

 

Well my stubborness to being bilingual has recently come back to bite me in the rear as a favorite restaurant, Chipotle Mexican Grill, introduced a new marketing campaign in the language of…..Pig Latin!

 

What does it say?

What does it say?

 

 

The Chipotle carry-out bag is slopped full of Pig Latin.

And I don’t understand a damn word of it!

 

Pig Latin was supposed to be a fun & silly, made-up language of mish-mashed words understood by all.

But this dufus never got the memo & I am lost.

 

 

 

 

 

WTF?

WTF?

 

My head pounds as I try to translate Pig Latin into something I can grasp.

 

It would be easier for me to figure out had Chipotle printed the bag in Spanish for God’s sake.

Even my little niece understands Dora!

 

Honestly, in Pig Latin, the bag could say “the bearer of this food will soon experience wretching pain & projectile vomiting” and I wouldn’t have a clue.

 

 

I think you must!

I think you must!

 

The Navajo code talkers of WWII could have used Pig Latin to communicate with troops and I would have been baffled.

 

Lesson learned, I can fully understand the language barrier faced by visiting foreigners & new immigrants to the U.S.

 

English to them must be as confusing as Pig Latin is to me.

Can you relate?

 

sock

 

 

 

 

 

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7. November 2016

2 Comments

‘Twas The Night Before Elections

A quick post on election eve……

 

“Twas The Night Before Elections”

Poorly written by My Odd Sock

 

‘Twas the night before elections and all through the polls,

not a candidate was stirring, not even a troll.

 

Hillary’s pantsuit was hung by the chimney with care,

in hopes that victory soon would be there.

 

Donald was nestled all snug in his bed,

visions of Ivanka pole-danced in his head.

 

The voters were weary, in need of a nap…

the process too long, we need a stiff night-cap.

 

In the news there arose such a clatter,

you were forced to watch what was the matter.

 

He groped this, she emailed that,

the accusations flew tit for tat.

 

And the names were too many…Bill, Ben, Carley and Ted Cruz,

Jeb, John, Marco–hand me the booze.

 

Bernie, Chris Christie, Rahn Paul were all fine,

still wondering who the hell Gary Johnson & Jill Stein?

 

Finally, it’s done, your vote soon will be cast.

The election is over, this will all be past.

 

I hear you scream as you drive out of sight…

“Only four more years till another messy fight!”

 

sock

 

 

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31. October 2016

3 Comments

Royal Flush

 

You are entering the splash zone.

You are entering the splash zone.

 

I shuffled into the restroom at the roadside McDonalds.

With multiple sclerosis, when the urge hits–you must take care of business!

That’s the great thing about McDonalds–they’re everywhere.  I call them “America’s corporate rest stop.”

It also may explain why the arches are golden…but that’s a whole nuther discussion!

 

 

Gotta love technology!

Gotta love technology!

Making my way into a stall (because I must sit when I pee), I noticed the toilet had one of those automatic flush gizmos.

“Sweet!” I thought.

Being a partial germophobe, touching the toilet was one less thing to fret about.

 

I spun around & dropped my drawers.

 

Quick to the trigger!

Quick to the trigger!

 

Squatting…my ass had barely touched the seat when…WOOSH!

The toilet flushed with the ferocity of Niagra.

Icy cold overspray sprinkled my nether regions.

I flinched…recovered, then settled in to finish the task at hand.

 

 

 

Suddenly, a muscle spasm flexed my right leg to straighten.

 

A repeater!

A repeater!

The shift of my backside triggered the auto-flusher to fire like a howitzer…WOOSH!

Again, a frigid froth misted my manhood…forcing it to shut down…and retreat like a scared soldier back into my body cavity.

I tried to settle myself by thinking of warm things, but soon realized the moment had passed.

 

Scooching forward on the seat, I attempted to stand and pull up my pants.

 

Thar she blows!

Thar she blows!

 

 

My gentle movement caused the toilet to roar for the third time…WOOSH!

 

The thunderous sound recoiled off the metal wall of the bathroom stall.

 

 

Toilet tsunami!

Toilet tsunami!

 

 

 

 

A slight lapse of concentration was just enough to cause me to lose balance & sit back down on the seat again.

WOOSH!  The toilet exploded to life.

Thankfully my butt was spared from the chilly mist by a thin layer of denim.

I thought, I didn’t get this wet on Splash Mountain at Disney!

 

 

Now, having MS makes it impossible for me (and maybe you) to tuck, button, tie or zip pants without leaning against something…a wall…post…door…ANYTHING solid.

So I shifted myself right to press a shoulder against the wall.

 

The war isn't over yet!

The war isn’t over yet!

 

The motion caused the comode to scream in protest…WOOSH!

 

I thanked God I was covered as my extremities were slowly thawing with positive temperatures

 

 

 

 

 

To escape this water hell, I grabbed my canes & carefully scuttled past the throne.

 

I'll get you my pretty!

I’ll get you my pretty!

 

 

 

WOOSH!

The SOB damned me one final time.

Daring me to stay.

 

 

 

 

I looked back at the automatic flusher.

 

Spewing evil.

Spewing evil.

 

 

Smoke bellowed out its seams while it glared at me with one, evil infared eye.

 

 

 

 

I slammed the stall’s door and moved my way to the sink.

Good idea, Einstein.

Good idea, Einstein.

 

 

I happened to look up where next to the mirror was a sign reminding me to conserve water.

 

Yes, I’ll…I’ll do that.

 

I’ll conserve water…and stop at the McDonalds at the next exit.

 

sock

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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