My Odd Sock

Can’t get enough of Brain Drain?  Enjoy this Best Of #12

It has been a looong winter–too long to be cooped up inside!

The same can be said of a few topics inside the pea-brain of My Odd Sock.

Time for a Brain Drain.  Time to flush out the poisons.

Let’s get started…..

So Stuck-I’m Stupid

These “Stuck in Ohio” stickers have popped up in the rear-windows of cars like dandelions on my summer lawn.

So does my blood pressure when I see one!

“How pompous” I thought.  “Stuck in Ohio?  Ohio’s not so bad.  I’ve lived here all my life!”  I huffed & puffed, “if you hate it so much here in Ohio–MOVE!”

Yeah, where ya gonna go…..Indiana?   Ha Ha–jerks!

I was spitting nails.

Then in my research for this writing, I discover “Stuck in Ohio” isn’t a statement of discontent.  “Stuck in Ohio” is actually a group of film producers “who specialize in pop culture, board sport lifestyles and music video production.”  Creative folk…ah, stuck in Ohio.

Sorry S.I.O. for my quick-tempered judgement—I’m just a cranky old man.

Let me hike my pants above my belly-button and shuffle away in shame.

Let’s move on…..

Golden Words

Here are two print ads I thought were interesting.

In this advertisement for Friendly’s Restaurants, they offer the “guilt-free Happy Ending Sundae.”

Now, I may be wrong but the term “happy ending” has usually been associated with sleezy, adult massage parlors.

Friendly’s thought it was such an important marketing gimmick, they trademarked the phrase!

Honestly, I don’t believe ANYONE in the business world was lining up to make these words their own!

Next.

What?  Has Old Navy got out of shilling the cheap t-shirts that are trashed after one washing…and entered the illegal baby trade business?

Folks spend thousands of George Washingtons on fertility treatments.  Some travel to the ends of the earth to adopt a child.  Who knew I could go to my local Old Navy pick up some cargo pants and get a child as low as five dollars!

That’s where they get you…..”from $5 dollars.”

Do you suppose the ones who are potty-trained are MORE expensive?

Moving along….

Miner Forty-Niner

Quite possibly the dumbest new TV show has to be the Discovery Channel’s “Gold Rush.”

This group of bearded mental giants believe they will achieve fortune by building a “gold-panning” operation in Alaska.  Trouble is, they have invested hundreds of thousands of dollars and so far have panned for only a palm-sized cache of AU.  In fact, I have more gold in the fillings of my teeth than these ZZ Top look-alikes have uncovered!

You know, I haven’t seen of heard of ZZ Top in ages.  Maybe the Gold Rush guys are ZZ Top minus the shades!

Save panning for gold for the people vacationing the western tourist traps…and save your eyes from watching “Gold Rush.”

Phew, is spring here yet?  I hope it gets here soon or else my head will explode!

That does it for this Brain Drain.  Feel free to unload your cranial baggage with a comment if you wish.  Till next time.

Hey, why not enjoy this Best Of Brain Drain.  Number 17 if you are scoring at home.

Maybe I am as flat as an open can of PBR left in the afternoon sun.

But nothing has really gotten my knickers in a twist lately.  That is…till this week when I found some oddities to share with you.

Let’s “Brain Drain” together and see if we can make any sense of the world we live in.

Let’s begin…

Rock of Ages

I found this ad for the “Solar Rock” in a flyer from “Bed, Bath & Beyond.”

(This is obviously from the “Beyond” department!)

Although how cool is this thing!  A rock that lights up!

Isn’t that better known as “plutonium?”

The “Solar Rock” is endorsed by Fred Flintstone!  (Not really)

All this technology…for only $9.99.  Do you think this is “made in China?”

I gotta believe the Chinese scratch their heads and say….”A Solar Rock?…Those Americans will buy ANYTHING!”

What’s next….

Call To Action

The postman delivered a postcard from a local funeral home with this headline….

Pre-planning a funeral makes sense, unfortunately, this headline doesn’t!

“Honey, let’s enjoy our 25th anniversary by pre-planning our funeral!”

“I won a blue ribbon at the county fair…AND I pre-planned my funeral!”

“Phew, what a great day!  Saved 30% at Kohl’s.  Had a skin tag removed.  And I pre-planned my funeral!”

I’ve written more than my share of commercials for funeral homes, and people just don’t think the subject matter in that way.

Sorry to break it to you, local funeral home.  Better luck next time.

Moving along….

Bridge To Nowhere

This “Bridge” newspaper column can be routinely found in papers throughout the land.  And it has been printed for as long as I can remember.

Have you ever looked at it?  Read it?  And tried to make sense of it?

I guess knowing how to play Bridge would help one understand.  But for those of us who don’t, trying to follow it makes me want to throw myself from the top of a tall one!  (A bridge that is.)

Cracking the Nazi secret code in WWII was easier than deciphering the bold-face examples shown here.

The four “players”…North, South, East and West have been involved in this game for so long, the last time they took a break, the South had legalized slavery!

And how about the accompanying commentary.  I don’t understand a word of it—kinda like something written by George Will!

I find myself trying to “paper-cut” my throat with hopes of “bleeding-out” before I have to finish!

Enough already, I’ve played quicker games of “War.”

That’s plenty of draining the brain.  If I let any more escape, my forehead will collapse.

Ta ta for now.

Let’s check out some Best Of “Brain Drains.”  Here is #6.

Put your hands together for a My Odd Sock favorite…..Brain Drain!

For those of you new to My Odd Sock, Brain Drain is an opportunity to pull the plug on the offbeat thoughts bouncing around in this big, empty head of mine.  Let’s get this party started…..

Body Builder

First up is a new exercise gadget called the Shake Weight.

The Shake Weight is a motorized dumbbell that moves back & forth like a piston, shifting the weight for a greater intensity in one’s workout.

I don’t have a problem with the Shake Weight as a product…it’s the commercial that leaves you feeling a bit “skeevy!”

The commercial I saw features a lady holding the Shake Weight very close to her chest, straight up & down.  And this thing is moving its groove.  It ah…let’s just say…something didn’t seem right about this picture.

I imagined some guy thinking he was in a video booth trying to feed quarters into his TV to keep the commercial going!

Apparently, Shake Weight also has a commercial featuring men using the product in just the same manner.  Drawing from my advertising background, I surmise Shake Weight is trying to gain “market-share” with those playing for the other team, so to speak.

Let’s move on…..

Dollars For Scholars

Because my oldest will soon be off to college, we have begun the exhaustive search for scholarship money.  I signed up with a free search website that uncovers scholarship opportunities and alerts me with the details.  So the other day I get an email stating “New Awards Are Waiting For You!”

And the offer was…….

“New Look Laser Tattoo Removal Scholarship (Amount: $1,000)”

Yes.

Uh hm.

Yup, I had the same stupid look on my face as you do right now!

Here are the details…..

“The New Look Laser Tattoo Removal Scholarship is available to students majoring in a field that has advanced the field of laser tattoo removal whether through research & development or clinical practice to qualify for this award.  An essay of 300-500 words must be submitted.”

Just imagine those essays!….

“My momma has an eagle tattoo but her back-fat makes it look all lumpy & junk.  She wanted to have it removed….”

“I have a ‘3′ tattoo for Dale Earnhardt, but he done died.  I’m wundering if I can have it….”

“I believe tattoos are temporary.  It’s nipple-rings that are forever!”

Moving along…

Dirty Laundry

In the clothes basket, I noticed the tag from a pair of Levi jeans.

My Levi jeans were…..made in EGYPT?

Egypt?  Isn’t Levi-Strauss a proud American company?

Great.  It’s 110 degrees outside and some poor Egyptian woman is sewing my denim!  I’ll think about her while I’m at the mall sucking down an Orange Julius!

Egypt…home to the great pyramids, one of the seven wonders of the world—-and Levi jeans!

Oh yeah, from Social Studies class, I remember the ancient drawings of Egyptian Pharaohs wearing dungarees!

In King Tut’s tomb, they found gold bullion….and a pair of 501’s!  Even King Tut hated button-fly jeans.  (Who came up with that genius concept anyway?)

That’s it.  I’m done.

Phew.  I feel better now.  I unloaded so much brain-baggage I think my forehead collapsed!…..No wait, that’s just a receding hairline.

My Odd Sock getting stung.

Here is another Best Of Bee Stings–Part Two!

Please enjoy!

Remember how apprehensive you were taking your first shot of MS medication?

Well, getting your first bee sting is much the same.

We tend to think back to when we were kids, running barefoot through the grass and stepping on a bee.  Painful memories for sure.  Think of it like this…now that you have MS, you probably don’t have much feeling anyway…so a few bee stings, no big deal, right?  Let’s get started.

Jar 'O bees

My buddy “Jim” has used apitherapy (bees stings) exclusively for his MS for at least a dozen years.  He has 6 or 7 hives on his property and dons his stylish “bee wear” to collect the lucky volunteers in a canning jar.

Next, one by one, we grab the bees using reverse tweezers.  Filling all 20 pair, it’s time to commence stinging!

My dance partners

People use apitherapy for many different reasons.  Jim has pain, associated with MS throughout his body, and stings the areas that hurt him most.  I sting to ease spasticity (tightness) in my legs.  I have also stung my arms & hands to improve feeling.  I’ve stung the tops of my shoulders to aid balance.  And routinely sting my feet (both tops & bottoms) to help with walking.  You can sting to help with bowel & bladder control, arthritis, foot drop, even vision & speech problems.

On this particular day, I will get about 30 stings.  Jim will get just as many.  But as a beginner, you will start by getting two, maybe four stings, at the base of your spine.  Over the course of a few weeks, you’ll want to work up to 20 stings/ three times a week.  (Apitherapy experts recommend the three times a week  treatment, although this odd sock finds getting stung once or twice a week works well too.)

Three stings on the foot. Man, I need a pedicure.

People ask me “Does it hurt?”  And I respond by saying “a little bit.”  You see, I have slight feeling from my armpits down, so the “zing” I do feel—I cherish as I know my body isn’t completely dead.  On the other hand, Jim has feeling, so I apply an ice pack to the spot before I sting him.  He says “the ice is worse than the bees!”

We leave the stingers in, doing their “thang” for 15 minutes before we remove them, finishing our session.

Then, for the next 12 to 24 hours, the areas I have stung will swell slightly and are warm to the touch, courtesy of the increased “healing” blood flow to the region.

And my muscles….are looser!

Through this experience, I have great respect for the honeybee (none for wasps & hornets!).  The tremendous work the bees do for our world–the food they help us grow–and the mysterious powers of healing found within their sting.

When a bee buzzes my head in the backyard, I don’t run or flail my arms, frantic to escape.  I just very calmly tell him to “go away bee”–and he does.  (I am like a bee whisperer!)

Again, let me say apitherapy, or bee venom therapy, is an alternative form of treatment and not for everyone.  This is my personal experience, your results may be different.  But if you want to learn more, you’ll find tons of information online.  You may even post a question to My Odd Sock and I’ll BS my way through an answer (just kidding).

Phew, I made my way through one, unfunny My Odd Sock.  Now can we get back to the nonsense please?  This serious stuff is killing me.

Me

Please enjoy the sting of this Best Of about Bee Stings.  Part Two follows.

Bee stings.  Apitherapy.  Bee venom therapy.  Call it what you want—I even call it “crazy!”  But the truth is, I’ve been getting stung, not accidently-but on purpose, since September of 2002.  Bee stings are my little way of thumbing my nose at multiple sclerosis!

For many years I took the traditional route of MS treatment; filling an unlimited number of Sharps containers with used syringes of Avonex, Copaxone and Rebif.  I jammed needles into my thighs, my butt, my stomach , my shoulders and the back of my arms.

Was it worth it?  I have no idea, but my MS continued to progress.

A friend, who also has MS, asked me to join him in his bee sting therapy.  I thought he was flat-out insane–letting bees sting you.  I resisted his offer for years.  Finally, out of complete desperation, I agreed to be stung.

Despite my previous apprehension, from day one, I found the whole “stinging” experience to be empowering!  Here I was putting something in my body (bee venom) that occurs naturally in our world.  Not something created in a lab.

And it made me feel—better.

I could move—-better.

I didn’t have an unseen cloud of ” doom & gloom” hanging over my head like I had when doing my shots.  Plus, I didn’t need a “recovery” day from bee stings.  By that I mean Avonex would wipe me out the day following a shot.  Rebif did the same, though not as bad, three days a week.  I just felt losing a day to recover was too much to sacrifice when you have limited energy as any MSer will tell you.

The Funny Meter

Yeah, I figured the Funny Meter would show up at some point in this post.  It was just a matter of time.  Hey, Funny Meter…go watch “King of The Hill,” that’ll keep you busy for a long while!

Sorry for the disruption.  Back to bee stings.

I’ve had doctors tell me it is a complete waste of time.  And yet, other doctors tell me to continue to do what I think is helping.  (Hey wait a minute doc, YOU are the one with a wall full of diplomas—you tell ME what to do.)

I guess my point is, only you know what works.  With MS there is no miracle pill.  No special diet.  No magical treatment to make things better.  So you have to find a plan of attack that fits you like a tailored shirt.

My apology for the awkwardness of this particular My Odd Sock.  Writing about “bee stings” is pretty overwhelming for me, so I believe I will break the subject into a couple of different entries.  Next time, I’ll write about an actual sting session.

In the meantime, check out more about Apitherapy online.  There are a number of bee experts in the treatment of multiple sclerosis, namely Pat Wagner, “The Bee Lady.”  In northeast Ohio, Floyd Alexander is an unbelievable wealth of information & inspiration!

Just keep in mind, consult with your own medical expert.  Apitherapy is an alternative form of treatment and not for everyone.  This is my personal account and thus, your experience may vary.

All across these United States, folks are celebrating our nation’s birth.

The Fourth of July has become a holiday of outdoor gatherings, cookouts and a carbohydrate-induced coma of potato salad.

With many of these activities culminating in an evening display of fireworks.

Looking through a catalog from a local fireworks dealer, I was reminded of my favorites as a boy…..Sparklers, Smoke Bombs & Snappers (or Poppers) were as good as gold!

Once in a while someone in my group of buddies would have a couple of firecrackers.

Maybe a whole pack if we were lucky.

The fireworks store sold firecrackers as well.

The only difference–they sold’em in rolls of two thousand, four thousand, eight thousand, even SIXTEEN THOUSAND!

Who the heck needs that many firecrackers?

It was the names of the firework bundles sold by this store that got my attention….”Bootleggers Bundle”….”Rockets Rampage”….”The King’s Arsenal”….”Air Supremacy”….”Brute Force.”

They just SOUND illegal!

They sold a bundle called “Midtown Mayhem.”

“Midtown Mayhem”  doesn’t sound awe-inspiring—it sounds more like a riot.

The fireworks store has a box called “Nuclear Warheads.”

What the hell?

How easy is it to get plutonium these days?

And apparently destroying the world isn’t as expensive as evil doers may think as “Nuclear Warheads” are “Buy One–Get One Free!”

We have the iPod, the iPad and the iPhone, so obviously the next product would be “iPyro!”

Now arsonists can own the latest explosive device from Apple!

The safety disclaimer says “WARNING Shoots flaming balls”

Great fun for the family…or terrorizing stray cats!

Those with mental issues will feel comfortable with “Insane.”

Streaks of “red, green, yellow, blue & purple pearls.”  Sounds like it could be the name of a Grateful Dead acid trip!

I’ve circled the reason they called this “Insane.”  At $99 dollars apiece, that IS insane!

“Comfortable Numb” is the name of this firework assortment.

Unfortunately, it also describes the state of many who are lighting explosives on this day!

Lastly, they sell something called the “Nut Crusher.”

Now this doesn’t sound fun at all.  In fact, it sounds downright painful.

I notice “Nut Crusher” is sold in boxes of 16 shots.  Two would be enough for me!

Whether you enjoy these popular firework products, or others such as “Falling Stars”…”Heat Seeker”…or “Uncle Boom Boom,” please be safe this July 4th holiday.

Be responsible enough to keep all ten of your fingers.

Happy birthday America!