16. December 2014

2 Comments

Dear Santa

 

No MSer’s holiday season would be complete without a list for Santa.  So I thought I would share mine with you…

 

My list.

My list.

 

 

 

Dear Santa Claus,

 

Hope you are well.

I have been a good boy with my multiple sclerosis this year…taking all my meds & following the doctor’s orders.

 

Here are the items on my MS Christmas list…

 

 

 

1)  Accessible curbs that are truly accessible.

Skinny legs.

Skinny legs.

 

2)  Chocolate that counts as a vegetable.

 

3)  MRI with built-in video gaming system.

 

 

4)  GPS for nearest bathroom.

 

5)  Solumedrol with fresh, minty after-taste.

 

6)  Muscle spasm fitness DVD.

 

Big balls.

Big balls.

 

7)  Velcro clothing.

 

8)  SHARPS container that looks more decorative–

less industrial.

 

9)  ATV power scooter.

 

10)  Reclining shower chair (with ottoman).

 

11)  Outfits that match color of skin flush.

 

12)  Myelin sheath mending kit.

 

Rudolph

Rudolph

 

13)  Wall walker fingerprint cleaning solution

(Windex).

 

14)  “How Did I Get This Bruise?” answer guide.

 

15)  An exasperation-free 2015.

 

Sincerely,

Your friend Odd Sock.

So what is on your MS Christmas list this year?

Please share with us in a comment!

IMG_1519

 

 

 

 

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12. December 2014

3 Comments

A Christmas Bender

 

A true story.

A true story.

The realities of life are sometimes difficult to accept.  When things aren’t like you imagine them to be.

 

I’ve been going through a difficult period lately as one of my life long idols appears to be in trouble.

I have admired this man all my life.  He brings a smile to my face every time I see him.

I’ve enjoyed him on TV and in the movies.  Listened to his albums.  And even seen him in person a time or two.

 

So it is hard, downright gut-wrenching, to accept when your icon, your role model, your hero sinks to new lows of debauchery.

Behavior so ugly, so lewd–it just can’t be the same person you emulate.

 

But it must be true.  The proof is out there.

I….I……..Oh c’mon.  Come out with it!

 

Hooch hound.

Hooch hound.

 

OK…

Santa Claus has a drinking problem.

 

There, I said it.

 

In fact, I believe Santa is a drunken lush.

 

 

 

 

Wino pub-crawler.

Wino pub-crawler.

Everywhere I look, there he is, sprawled out in some front yard.

So loaded he can’t even make it to the chimney.

Drunk.

 

Smashed.

 

Soused.

 

 

Shitfaced.

Shitfaced.

 

 

No wonder he’s always jolly.

He’s three sheets to the wind.

 

That explains why the shirts I get for Christmas are always the wrong size–this guy is blitzed out of his gourd.

 

 

 

 

The guzzling boozer.

The guzzling boozer.

 

 

It’s sad.  So sad.

He’s just laying all over town.

I’m not even sure Mrs. Claus has a clue to his antics.

 

Thank goodness Rudolph guides his sleigh, because this guy looks like he wouldn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground!

 

 

There you have it.

My adoration of an idol–ruined.

He’ll never be looked at in the same light.

Hmm.

Waaaaaait a minute……..Did  you think I was writing about Bill Cosby?

sock

 

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8. December 2014

2 Comments

Puppy Pound

 

 

I give up!

I give up!

 

 

There comes a time in your life with multiple sclerosis when you raise a white flag to admit defeat.

 

Something is just too much.

Too demanding.

You’re in over your head.

You’ve bitten off more than you can chew.

(Insert your own lame cliche here.)

 

 

 

It could be anything…work, driving, shopping, putting on make-up.

Mine was running (And putting on make-up!)

 

You just can’t do it without help.  And so you lose that bit of independence–and take a hit to your pride.

 

My Odd Sock had one such occurrence over Thanksgiving weekend.

 

Chewie

Chewie

 

Friends asked if we would be interested in dog-sitting their four-month-old Labradoodle, Chewie, for a night.

“Of course!” we agreed.  Even though my wife & youngest son would also be away.  That left my oldest son and I to care for man’s best friend for a total of about 28 hours.

 

Let me begin by saying “Chewie” was an appropriate name as nothing escaped a dog-slobbering gnaw…hands, feet, shoes, furniture, wicker baskets, even the tips of my canes.

Chewie had an equally active bladder as well, requiring a leashed trip to the yard each hour like clockwork.

If you are scoring at home, he had just three accidents in the house (Heck, that’s only two more than I had myself!)

 

My son handled all of Chewie’s potty trips–except one.  The dog had to go while he was in the shower.  I could handle this—or so I thought.

The Westminster Dog Show it was not.  Chewie pulled & yanked on his leash while I struggled to maintain my balance on two canes.

Once, twice, three times I almost biffed as the pooch darted here & there.

I was saved by a neighbor who noticed my plight and came over to help get the dog back inside.

It was then that I realized my failure.  I can’t even take care of a puppy.  Sucks, I thought.

 

Later that evening, Chewie’s family returned to take him home.  Three young boys, each with tears in their eyes, greeted their excited pet with shrieks of joy.

Meanwhile I stood there with tears in MY eyes–sad to see him go…and the realization that Chewie was right where he needed to be.

sock

 

 

 

 

 

 

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1. December 2014

8 Comments

What’d The Doctor Say?

Because I have “nothing” new, hope you enjoy this gently-used My Odd Sock.

 

 

Last week I had my semi-annual check-up with my doctor.

 

 

gynocologist

 

Ah, no not THAT kind of a doctor.  I’m a dude!

 

 

proctologist

 

No, not that kind of a doc either!!

 

It was a visit with my neurologist.  A trip, you and I (those of us with multiple sclerosis) make on a routine basis.

 
But this isn’t about the usual finger-touch, tow-tap, nine hole peg test kind of examination.

 

This is about returning home and facing the daunting question………..

“What’d the doctor say?”

  

To which my typical response (and probably yours) is a simple…….

“Nothing.”

  

 

My ‘nothing” response truly frustrates my family members because they think I’m lying…or not paying attention to the doctor…or hopeless…or whatever.

But I’m not trying to be cute, smug or simplifying the situation—it’s just a ‘nothing.”

And when you’re dealing with the progressive nature of a disease like MS, “nothing” is a good thing!!

 

 

IMG_0064

 

Why, I’ve got 14 years of “nothing!”

 

I’ve made a bank account worth of “nothing” co-pays!

 

 

 

 

As the old saying goes “No news–is good news.”  Whoever came up with this gem must have had MS, I figure.

I mean, if you’re feeling the same…getting around the same…no changes to note—you’ll take that doctor’s report everytime, right?

 

Not what you think.  It's mustard!

 

People ask me “if your doctor can’t do anything about MS–why do you go?”

I tell them I go to my appointment for peace of mind.  And just to confirm I’m doing all I can to keep my dance partner (MS) in check.

 

That’s all.

Can I get an “Amen” from the congregation?

 

Have you had similar experiences you can share?  I’d love to hear about them.

 

Also, I apologize to my concerned family & friends who scoff at my answer to their question of “What’d the doctor say?”

Nothing.

Because nothing is a good thing!

And in another six-months, I hope I have nothing to add.

sock

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26. November 2014

2 Comments

Black Friday Daze Craze

 

Let's shop!

Let’s shop!

 

 

Holiday shopping has begun!

 

Major retailers have started the barrage of ads & circulars describing huge savings in the days surrounding Black Friday.

 

 

 

 

Black Friday Crowd 1

Many stores will open their doors to frantic shoppers Thanksgiving night.

While others open early early Black Friday morning.

 

Only Kmart has said to hell with’em all and will open for biz Thursday morning at 6am!  

And why not.

Kmart understands Thanksgiving is a day we reluctantly gather with our extended family only to overeat and bicker & fuss with endless squabbles.  Why fight when we can be shopping at Kmart!

 

Black Friday Crowd 2

 

Not to be outdone, My Odd Sock is open NOW T.F.N. 24/7!

 

That’s right, My Odd Sock, your home for lame humor w/ an equally lame gait, is open with BIG savings on fun!

 

 

SAVE on:

Satire

Parody

Puns

Low-brow humor

and Dull Wit

 

At My Odd Sock, everything is so pointless we’re giving it away!

Where else but this pathetic site can you find gift ideas like these…

 

Gift Title

Under this actual ad banner for a local outfitter’s shop were these items…

 

 

 

 

Pit Bull Defender

 

 

Yep, nothing expresses the true meaning of the season like a Brutis Pit Bull Defender.

 

It’s the perfect gift for those with an urge to gut that cranky store cashier.

 

And note, the Defender is available in black or dainty pink for the females on your list.

 

 

 

 

For safety blow-do not suck.

For safety blow-do not suck.

 

 

And who couldn’t use a new blowgun?

 

Yes, this handsome .40 caliber Terminator Blowgun is only $9.99.

You save four dollars!

 

A blowgun such as this would cost hundreds from a native in the Amazon!

 

 

 

 

How convenient!

How convenient!

 

Meanwhile,  Darryl, my gimpy friend at Livinglifeoncrutches.com (Please read his incredible story & blog!) sent me this item available from Sharper Image.

It’s the “Cordless Lighted Salt & Pepper Shaker.”

This is useless on SO many counts.

First off, it’s $49.99!  Who in their right mind would drop a Grant on a salt & pepper shaker?

Next, it’s “Lighted.”  Handy for those times when you are seasoning your plate in complete darkness.

Miners will appreciate the lighted shaker, no doubt.

Finally, I’m thankful for the “cordless design.”  Can’t tell you how frustrating it was fumbling with the cord while salting my corn.

Like someone actually said “If only this came in a cordless model.”

Looks as though Sharper Image has lost its edge!

 

 

 

So that does it.

Time’s a wastin.  There are bargains to be had at a store near you.

Enjoy your turkey and let’s shop till we drop.

 

 

(Black Friday tribute sock)IMG_1793

 

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20. November 2014

8 Comments

Power Shopping

Feeling rather lazy, so please enjoy this rehashed My Odd Sock.  Cheers!

 

 

Life presents challenges.

But when you have multiple sclerosis, even the simple challenges can, at times, be mondo burdensome.  Or so I learned on a recent trip to the grocery store.

 

You see, typically I grocery shop for just a few items at a time—enough to fill one of those hand-held baskets I place on my lap while wheeling myself in my wheelchair.

 

Slow down Speed Racer!

 

 

But on this particular day, I needed to pick up more items than usual…thus my mission (should I choose to accept it) was using one of the store’s power chairs.

 

 

 

Well, you have to do what you have to do, so I climbed aboard and began hauling “snail’s-ass” through the aisles.

I say “snail” because this power cart was “continental drift” slow!

 

My Odd Sock in the driver's seat

 

 

Seriously, it moved so slow by the time I got to the check out line—my milk had expired!

 

This thing made Disney’s “It’s A Small World” seem like a thrill ride!

 

 

Yeah yeah I understand, they can’t have these things supercharged–but when you get hung-up on a squished grape on the floor in produce–you need more power, man!

 

 

That being said, it was time to finish my shopping and get out of there before I saw anyone I knew.

“Mr. Odd Sock, how are you?”

Too late.  It was a friend, who also has MS.

“I feel ridiculous using this cart” I said to her.  “It’s my first time.”

“You shouldn’t feel bad.  I’m happy for you” she responded.

 

 

My friends’ great attitude was a boost to my own sagging pride.  You see it has been a personal struggle of acceptance all the way in my 14 year slow dance with MS.  Each step was a fight—getting a parking pass, getting a foot brace, a wheelchair, cane, hand controls, yada yada yada.

My Odd Sock power shopping!

 

And climbing into the seat of that scooter was another hurdle I had to clear.

Because that’s what it’s about—clearing hurdles thrown in your way.  And whether you go through’em, around’em or over’em, the victory, small as it may be, is what life is all about.

 

 

“Sorry sir, this coupon has lapsed” said the cashier.

“Well it was good when I got here!”

Damm cart.

sock

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