As a species, we are evolving.

Taller.  Stronger.  Faster.

That is unless you are looking at those in the buffet line at Golden Corral.

“Would you like beef or ham?”

OK besides that, we ARE evolving.

Just take my word on it for shits & giggles.

But since my MS diagnosis back in 1996, I seem to be deviating from the rest of the human race.

My Odd Sock's current evolutionary scale.

Because when I compare my body stature to that of an evolutionary scale…..I seem to be going backwards.

WTF?

Bipedalism

Sweet look dude!

For all of my formative years and most of adulthood, I was classified as a “biped,” or using two feet for standing & walking.

The pictured image of socks with sandals?

Hey, science cannot define my poor fashion sense–only my means of locomotion!

Tripedalism

Tie your shoe, moron.

It was several years following my diagnosis till multiple sclerosis finally began robbing my body of its sense of balance.

I was not a Weeble–I had serious wobble that needed more stability.

Hence the use of a cane (And a slide down the bannister of evolution).

I became a “triped,” described as any animal that stands on three legs.

Once you got used to it, being a triped wasn’t so bad.  Unless you had to hug someone.  Then you had to decide where to put the cane during the hug….Do you keep it in your hand & jam it into their back during the hug?  Or, do you prop it up against yourself prompting the other person to ask “Is that your cane or are you happy to see me?”  (True story)

Quadrupedalism

Nice shoes. Both pair!

Even more years passed till it became necessary to add a second cane to my fashion ensemble.

Yes, I became a “quadrapod.”

Regressing further down the evolutionary scale was a definite blow to my modern man intellect (Family members will dispute the “modern man intellect” reference).

Being a “quadpod” took some practise to master the “Left front-Right rear, Right front-Left rear” rhythm of walking, but it’s all good now.

Yeah, I wish Charles Darwin was alive today to see how those of us with MS defy evolution.

We are definitely a strong and proud species all our own.

There is no fat here–just the real pork.

This week, the top story concerned a mysterious virus that has slaughtered millions of baby pigs.

Scientists believe the virus, porcine epidemic diarrhea, has splashed its way across 27 states in the nation.

Estimates range from 2.7 million upwards to 6 million baby pigs, or piglets have died from dehydration caused by the diarrhea.

What does this mean to you, the consumer?

It means you are probably paying more bacon for your bacon.

In fact, bacon prices have risen more than 13 percent from a year ago.

That’s enough to take the sizzle from any budget.

Here at My Odd Sock, we’re taking the deadly piglet virus serious.

Quit your swhining, Piglet!

We have quarantined Piglet from the herd and have been providing round the clock care.

Checking his temperature regularly.

“B-b-but I d-d–don’t f-feel s-s-sick,” Piglet said in his whiney stutter.

A boogery pig nose.

We explained our actions for his own good.

Now take your medicine!

The My Odd Sock corporate chef, ah, I mean physician, even prescribed an oral medication pictured here.

Piglet also enjoys the marinating soaks in the tub using the same sauce, er, medicine.

We’ll keep our knives & forks crossed for Piglet’s continued good health.  It should be a delicious Easter holiday!

Those of us with multiple sclerosis look to many avenues to staying positive.

Whether you choose motivating books, presentations, movies or websites, the uplifting messages help you cope with chronic disease.

Lately I’ve noticed the popularity of MS related t-shirts.  Dynamic images & enlightening words spur us to persevere with zeal.

With that in mind, My Odd Sock decided to create some t-shirts of my own.

Unfortunately, my designs offer little in terms of motivation and/or positivity (Does that shock anyone?)  Maybe they’ll give you a laugh or two.  Enjoy!

Welcome to My Odd Sock’s This & That.

It’s a fancy-shmansy title for me just lumping together several oddball bits I’ve wanted to clear off my desk.

Let’s get started before either fatigue or my boring writing style lulls you to sleep.  (Not sure which, but my money’s on the writing!)

Cozy Toes:

I saw this ad for “Therapeutic Cozy Toes.”

Apparently they help with all kinds of painful foot problems…giving “instant relief.”

Well that just dandy—if you can get them on!

I struggle pulling on a pair of socks.

How am I supposed to get each, individual Cozy Toe support strap between toes that haven’t wiggled since the Bush Administration?

The ad claims Cozy Toes are…”So soft and comfy you’ll forget you have them on.”

That’s good to know because once I get them on, there’s no way in hell I could get them off!

What intrigues me the most about “Cozy Toes” is the definitive proof of the before and after illustrations.

BEFORE– Oww, looks like someone has painful toe cramps and a utility belt full of hammer toes.

AFTER– The problems are gone & the toes even sparkle!

May I borrow your pumice stone?

The “Before” picture reminds me of my own foot problems.

Note the similarities.

Celebrity Who Is Who:

Next is a case of separation at birth.

One guy is Pitbull, the popular musical artist/party starter/commercial pitch man.

The other is Anthony Melchiorri, host of the Travel Channel’s “Hotel Impossible.”

Do you know who is who?

SportClips

A new hair place, SportClips, just opened in the area.

SportClips is a sports-themed salon for guys & gals who can’t seem to get enough of the game.

SportClips offers the “MVP Experience”…..

Wow.  A haircut and the works!

Steamed towel, shampoo, neck & shoulder massage.

Heck, throw in a bad buffet & a lap dance and you got the Cabaret Club near the truck stop!

Here a customer enjoys his hot, steamed towel.

Either that or he’s a prisoner at Gitmo about to be waterboarded.

Not sure.

And here’s a guy getting his neck & shoulder massage.

Sorry but I would feel like a fool sitting there while someone used a Dremel on my shoulders.

“Could you drap that hot towel back over my face—I’m ashamed!”

I’m sure it’s a tremendous service.  It’s just not my cup of tea.

Just call me SportClips “Most Valuable Pigeon-head.”

That and this concludes My Odd Sock’s “This & That.”

I warned you it would be a jumbled mess of things.  (Then again, when is anything on this website not a jumbled mess!)

Like being etched in stone, you remember the day you were diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

For some it was a long awaited answer to lingering health problems.

While for others, our “d-day” was filled with fearful thoughts of what the future holds.

You remember that day like it was the back of your hand.

But since you can’t change the past, why waste any of your precious energy thinking about it, right?

Instead, try to focus on the many good days you’ve had…A wedding day.  Graduation.  Special times.  The birth of a child.

Or even…..your own birth!

In this My Odd Sock exclusive, My Odd Sock recounts his journey into the world with uncanny clarity.

Please enjoy this firsthand account entitled “Day One.”

Head actual size!

“Man, I had it made.  Just floating around in my very own hot tub.

Not a care in the world.

I’d spend time sucking my thumb.  Maybe writing something on the walls if I felt ambitious.

For the most part my time was La-Tee-Da.

Till one day things started happening.

My room began to squeeze me periodically.  The squeezing was making my room smaller & smaller.  Now I’ll admit I had put on a couple pounds over the winter, but things were really getting crowded.

I was upside down at the time when someone must have pulled the plug on my hot tub.   All the water rushed out.

‘What the hell?  I’m not done in here,’ I shouted.

The surge of the drain forced me downward headfirst!

As big as a melon and just as quishy inside

My ginormous head entered this tunnel.

The walls squished the soft plates of my skull together.

My head felt like it had a migraine times ten.

Where was I going and when would this nightmare end?

Finally I began seeing light in the tunnel.

Much to my horror, I saw this man reaching for me.

I wailed at him…’Dude, you’re scaring me with the get-up!  I’m a baby–not an alien for crying out loud!’

But he didn’t hear me.

As he pulled me out, I tried to claw my way back in but my fingernails weren’t yet fully developed.

He came at me with a pair of scissors.

I screamed again…’Make sure you cut the right thing, fella!’  (To this day I still think he made the wrong choice.)

The man then laid me down atop the chest of a lady with ample bosom.

‘Ahhh,’ I exhaled.  I was exhausted from the move and was ready for a nap.”

My point is, we must think of the good days and not dwell on the bad.  We can’t change the past or predict the future.  But we do have today.  So live it fully.

Now if you don’t mind, time for another nap…I’m still tired from the move, I figure.

Again?  Seriously?

Yep, I’m being too lazy to write something new.  So please enjoy this repeat My Odd Sock….

“I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty.”

-Nancy Reagan (1921-    )

Nancy’s quote really doesn’t have anything to do with my story.  I just thought it was funny.

A death-ray would be a menacing tool, especially in the hands of evil-doers.

But looking back at certain times in my life, I raise a bushy eyebrow in wonder if I posses this dark power of demise.

You see, it started when I was very young.

I killed my babysitter.

True story.  OK, I didn’t do it on purpose.  In fact, I don’t even remember.

Like most babies, I was probably just trying to fill my diaper.  My tummy was a little upset, so I thought I’d take a couple of Tums.  Little did I know my babysitter freaks out and drops a coronary on me!

Great.  Now I have that guilt weighing on my little toddler shoulders.  I suppose other babies are now gonna talk behind my back.

My only lingering question about this whole ordeal is why the hell would my parents save this newspaper article?

That’s something unique to find in your “baby-book!”

“Here’s a picture of Baby-Doug with his Gramma & Grandpa….Here’s Baby-Doug playing peek-a-boo with Daddy….And here’s the story of Baby-Doug murdering his sitter.”

My death ray didn’t rear its head again till I was in high school.

After years of not seeing a dentist because of a bad experience, a rotting molar forced me back into the chair.  I visited a new dentist and he was tremendous!  His practice was thriving.  And I couldn’t have been happier!

Then, he committed suicide.

Was it my molar?  Was it my bad breath?  Was it my horse-faced smile that put Dr. Bailey over the edge?

Now I had the guilt of his death on my other shoulder.

Finally, just a few years ago, I learned that the very first girl I had asked for a date, shot her husband 13 times!  We never went out—she said she didn’t know who I was when I called to ask—but I’m kind of glad that one didn’t work out.

So, the power of a death-ray?  I really don’t think so.  But it IS something I wonder about at times.  Hey, that guy just cut me off in traffic…….I’m beginning to feel a familiar, burning fury within.