My Odd Sock

Let’s face it, today’s Circle of Life includes a foundation based on 2-year service agreements and 1-time activation fees.

Of course I’m talking about cell phones.  And the handy-dandy texting feature!

Cell phones I can deal with–it’s the texting that binds my boxers.  And I’ll tell you why….

Swishes, rings, clangs, buzzes…my family room is awash in a tsunami of sound (My head pounds like a manager of Radio Shack) to the incoming barrage of text messages.

Not a word is spoken.  You just hear a faint clicking as fingers fly across keyboards not much larger than a postage stamp.

Conversation is nil.  We’re like monks who have taken a vow of silence.

That’s when I realize we’ve become a society hellbent on communicating—by NOT communicating!

It’s been said “writing” is a lost life skill?  I’ll take it a step further and add “talking” to that list.

That was made apparent to me recently as I had dinner with a college buddy I hadn’t seen in 20 years.

He had his cell phone sitting on the table like it was a part of the place setting.

My every question to him would be interrupted by an incoming cell phone text which he would pounce upon with rattlesnake-like reflexes!

Me-      “So, tell me about your job at the hospital?”

Him-    “Oh, it’s so cool!  I get to….(Buzz)(Typing…click, click, click, click)

Me-     “What does Jamie want to do after high school?”

Him-    “Well, she has been volun…(Buzz)(Typing…click, click, click, click)

I thought maybe I could get a more complete answer if I would text my questions…

Me-     (Texting)….”dd u wtch lympcs?”

(I’ve learned you don’t need many vowels when you text.  In fact, we should just eliminate most vowels from the alphabet all together!)

My friend was excited to tell me his cell phone could work underwater.  Oh perfect. because at that point I was ready to stick it in my water glass!

His comment reminded me of what a salesman once said to me when buying a watch.  He said, “This watch is pressurized to work at an underwater depth of 50 meters.”  My only response was that if I suddenly found myself 50 meters underwater—I don’t think knowing the time would be my first priority!

Our dinner together ended graciously.  And I finally did get the answers to my questions.  So I suppose my internal strife was for naught.  I understand cell phones are here to stay.  And texting too.  I just need to “Settle down Pops”…..Lace up my Rockports (Yes, I do own a pair!)…And accept that fact…..At least, till the end of my 2-year service agreement.  LOL

From the title, you might guess this My Odd Sock will either be about childbirth….or exercise.  (Although the more I think about it, what would “reach” have to do with childbirth?…Unless you were reaching  to strangle the guy who put you in this position!)

So yes, if you guessed this was about exercise—you were correct.

I have enjoyed working out since I was a young teen.  Exercise has always played a big role in my life.  And now since my MS diagnosis many years ago, I realize exercise plays an even bigger role.

Phew! Me, taking a break between sets.

You see, through the years I’ve taken so many injectable meds I feel like a pin cushion at a Quilting Bee.  I’ve done IV steroids.  Swallowed a mountain of pills.  Endured a couple thousand bee stings.  But nothing…absolutely nothing… makes me feel better…than exercise!

Exercise eases my spasticity.  It improves my strength, balance & flexibility.  It helps me sleep.  And exercise lifts my spirit.

And it can do the same for you.  Guaranteed.

Odd Sock uses the Thighsizer. Yes, I have one!

Nope nope nope, I don’t want to hear your excuses.

          “I don’t have the time.”

Do you watch TV?  You can exercise during the commercials.  That adds up to a 16 minute workout per hour.

          “I don’t have the equipment.”

You don’t need fancy gear.  Plastic laundry jugs, even canned goods used as weights will give you the resistance you need.

          “I tire easily.”

Hey I know MS can KO your energy like a heavyweight boxer.  But you don’t have to work out like you’re on “The Biggest Loser.”  Just a little will do you wonders.  And exercise, even movement will bring you MORE energy!

Hitting the speed-bag for hand-eye coordination

Speaking of movement, the National MS Society has some inspiring words on their pamphlets.  It reads “MS stops people from moving.  We exist to make sure it doesn’t.”

You’ve heard the adage “Use it or lose it.”  Man, that line plays right into the sweet spot of multiple sclerosis. 

If you stay in that chair–MS will keep you there.

You gotta get up!  If you stand twice an hour….Try three times.  Then four.

Walk till the end of your driveway.  The next day go to your neighbor’s driveway….and the neighbor after that.

Reach one way, and the other.

Stretch. 

Move.

(Hey, sorry I’m not as cute as Denise Austin–but I mean the same!)

I struggle to lift the flippin bar!

No matter your condition, no matter your age–all of us can benefit from simple exercise.  Simple movement.  Pushing your body to just a little more than usual.

That’s all.

MS takes enough from us.  Don’t let it take everything.

Let me know how exercise fits into your MS regimen & your everyday life.

It’s time to get started…..You ready?  Let’s go.

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Editorial Bored rates this feature ”NF” or “Not funny.”

Helen Eleanor Saggybags, My Odd Sock Editor-In-Chef

My Odd Sock’s Editor-In-Chef (not chief–chef, as she also works as part-time lunchlady at Watson Elementary) Helen Eleanor Saggybags has ruled this piece not worthy of “humor” classification.  Thus, My Odd Sock has been placed on “punchline probation.”

Further disiplinary actions could be enforced if My Odd Sock’s humor content does not improve.

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Put your hands together for a My Odd Sock favorite…..Brain Drain!

For those of you new to My Odd Sock, Brain Drain is an opportunity to pull the plug on the offbeat thoughts bouncing around in this big, empty head of mine.  Let’s get this party started…..

Body Builder

First up is a new exercise gadget called the Shake Weight. 

The Shake Weight is a motorized dumbbell that moves back & forth like a piston, shifting the weight for a greater intensity in one’s workout.

I don’t have a problem with the Shake Weight as a product…it’s the commercial that leaves you feeling a bit “skeevy!”

The commercial I saw features a lady holding the Shake Weight very close to her chest, straight up & down.  And this thing is moving its groove.  It ah…let’s just say…something didn’t seem right about this picture. 

 I imagined some guy thinking he was in a video booth trying to feed quarters into his TV to keep the commercial going!

Apparently, Shake Weight also has a commercial featuring men using the product in just the same manner.  Drawing from my advertising background, I surmise Shake Weight is trying to gain “market-share” with those playing for the other team, so to speak.

Let’s move on…..

Dollars For Scholars

Because my oldest will soon be off to college, we have begun the exhaustive search for scholarship money.  I signed up with a free search website that uncovers scholarship opportunities and alerts me with the details.  So the other day I get an email stating “New Awards Are Waiting For You!”

And the offer was…….

“New Look Laser Tattoo Removal Scholarship (Amount: $1,000)”

Yes.

Uh hm.

Yup, I had the same stupid look on my face as you do right now!

Here are the details…..

“The New Look Laser Tattoo Removal Scholarship is available to students majoring in a field that has advanced the field of laser tattoo removal whether through research & development or clinical practice to qualify for this award.  An essay of 300-500 words must be submitted.”

Just imagine those essays!….

“My momma has an eagle tattoo but her back-fat makes it look all lumpy & junk.  She wanted to have it removed….”

“I have a ‘3′ tattoo for Dale Earnhardt, but he done died.  I’m wundering if I can have it….”

“I believe tattoos are temporary.  It’s nipple-rings that are forever!”

Moving along…

Dirty Laundry

In the clothes basket, I noticed the tag from a pair of Levi jeans.

My Levi jeans were…..made in EGYPT?

Egypt?  Isn’t Levi-Strauss a proud American company?

Great.  It’s 110 degrees outside and some poor Egyptian woman is sewing my denim!  I’ll think about her while I’m at the mall sucking down an Orange Julius!

Egypt…home to the great pyramids, one of the seven wonders of the world—-and Levi jeans!

Oh yeah, from Social Studies class, I remember the ancient drawings of Egyptian Pharaohs wearing dungarees!

In King Tut’s tomb, they found gold bullion….and a pair of 501’s!  Even King Tut hated button-fly jeans.  (Who came up with that genius concept anyway?)

That’s it.  I’m done.

Phew.  I feel better now.  I unloaded so much brain-baggage I think my forehead collapsed!…..No wait, that’s just a receding hairline.

A pictorial of animal tracks in the snow…..

Dog

Birds

Raccoon

Person with MS (cane aided)

Person with MS (Right foot-drop)

Person with MS using rollator

Person with MS falling on butt

Wait, let me get this straight.  You’re saying you are going to take this neurotoxin, this poison….produced by a bacteria!….A toxin, which in its natural form causes botulism.

And you’re going to inject it into my muscles?  And it’s going to ease my spasticity?

That’s crazy!

Crazy, but it’s true.  It’s Botox Therapy, or BT.  And I am living, breathing (needs a TicTac) proof!

I just completed my third treatment (each treatment lasts about 3 months) and I can’t wait for my Botox to kick in.

The therapy’s benefits are not usually noticed for a few days..up to a couple of weeks after the treatment.  But it does help to ease muscle tightness.

Over the years, I’ve tried numerous muscle relaxers in pill form and I still take one on a daily basis.  My biggest complaint is the “dosey-dopey” state many of those pills put me in.

(What?…He’s not naturally that “dosey-dopey?”)

Excuse me, you don’t graduate from college with a stellar 2.3 gpa being “dosey-dopey!”

I was given several Botox injections in my inner thighs & calves (my problem areas).  And the whole procedure was done in about an hour.

As a matter off fact, a hidden camera  captured this picture during my actual session.

Multiple Sclerosis affects everyone differently.  So whether your spasticity is in your legs, arms, neck or wherever, Botox Therapy may offer you some relief.

And check out the difference…….

Before Botox

After Botox

Just remember, My Odd Sock is an expert on nothing, just an idiot on everything.

Anyone care to hear some ZZ Top?…..”She’s got le-eggs!”

Please clear it up

Have you ever done something impulsively, thinking it was correct for all the right reasons, only to get grief later on?

I mean more than grief—I mean ridiculed—I mean vilified to the point where my two teenage sons said…”Dad, you must be gay.”

Let me explain.

I have been a long time subscriber to the magazine Sports Illustrated.  With its crisp writing and great pictures, SI is the absolute authority of sports!

But the issue of SI that I do not understand, is probably its most-popular–the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

Cover to cover, this mag is pictures of bikini-clad young models doing, doing…..doing what bikini-clad models do.  (First of all, not one of them can properly tie their top because it’s always loose, forcing them to cover themselves with their hands!)

For a number of years, I would receive my swimsuit issue, quickly glance at it, and pass it on to a co-worker the very next day.  What do I want this issue for, I reasoned.  Not one lousy sports story.  Nothing but bikini-clad models.

“Dad, you must be gay.”

So last year, Sports Illustrated subscribers could opt out of receiving the swimsuit issue and SI would extend your subscription one extra week.  Grrreeaat!  A win-win for me.  Or so I thought.  Not a win-win situation when you have two teenage sons looking forward to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue…and their “Pops” opted out of receiving one…..hence, “Dad, you must be gay.”

Therefore, let me make myself clear……I am NOT gay.

I am a married man.  Married for over 20 years.

Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt?  Sure, he’s a good-looking guy.  But he’s Brad Pitt.  

Nick Lachey

That’s Nick Lachey.  Yes, he’s a good-looking dude.

Would you stop it!  It’s just that I am comfortable enough to recognize a handsome guy when I see one.  That’s all.  Geez.

And another thing about the bikini-clad models…..could SI spring for a beach towel?  Why do these girls have to sit on the wet sand?

Last time I did that I found sand in body crevices I didn’t know I had!  How the hell does sand get there?

So as you can clearly see, this year I didn’t “opt” out.  And when I received my swimsuit issue, I scoured its contents—one lovely page at a time.

The models still can’t tie their damn tops.  And Sports Illustrated still hasn’t given the girls a beachtowel.  Fact is, the only change that occured was that Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue was delivered to my door.

I wondered why my mailman gave me a “thumbs-up.”

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During February, My Odd Sock salutes Black History Month.

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