Experts say admitting you have a problem is the first step towards recovery.

“I have gum disease.”

Bull****, I said it.  And it doesn’t feel any better.

First of all, this isn’t about gum disease like Gingivitis or Periodontitis.

Not me.

I’m talking gum disease ala Bubble Yum, Hubba Bubba, Bazooka & Juicy Fruit.

You see I LOVE gum…and the act of chewing it.

My problem is I never buy gum.  Haven’t for years.

In fact, probably the last gum I ever purchased was as a kid.

My buddies & I would go to the corner market to buy packs of Rain-Blo bubble gum.  We would shove the entire pack in our mouths and then spit to see who could make the most colorful drool.

Is it any wonder I never dated in high school?

Little League baseball fueled my gum fix as my coach always kept us chomping with “gum gold” during each game.

Even as my boys were playing and I was helping to coach, the team Manager would bring this Dubble Bubble bucket of gum to the games.

Talk about the bubble-gum motherload!

Today, my sons have outgrown their playing days, by my love for gum hasn’t retired.

Eh, just a piece, they won't mind.

We always have gum in the house.  (My wife buys it–not me)

Usually I’m pretty good, but if an opened pack of gum is laying around, I have been known to partake by pinching a piece.

Another delicious temp to my addiction is the row of gumball machines at the grocery store.’

Man, I love vending machine gumballs!

All those different shapes and bright colors beg me to spare a quarter for a ball of glorious gum.

(Do I sound like a Vicodin addict, or what?)

Yeah I have gum disease.  A mild habit, but a habit nonetheless.

Do you share my fondness for gum?  I ask in case we’re ever together and you pull out a piece for yourself.  I ask you…no, I beg you to offer some to me–your gum junkie.

Crafty deception.  Seductive half-truths.  Outright misnomers.

No, it’s not the banter between our elected officials and the public.

I’m referring to the misleading statements found in advertising.

Consumer Reports noted the top advertising terms you should NOT take for granted.

They are:

Satisfaction Guaranteed.

Buyer beware because this means different things to each company.

While some offer full refunds, others only promise an exchange.

Going Out Of Business.

Consumer Reports says this phrase makes the buying public believe they are getting a bargain.  But not necessarily so.

Lifetime Warranty.

This refers to the lifetime of the product—not yours!

We Will Not Be Undersold.

A store may guarantee lowest prices, but many have terms in fine print so small you need an electron microscope to read them.

Free.

Hey, if something is free, there must be a catch, right?

Business’ don’t become multi-billion dollar corporations by giving it away.

That being said, My Odd Sock jumps in where Consumer Reports clocks out.

Here are several more advertising terms that should leave you, the consumer, with skepticism….

More Fun Than A Monitor Lizard!

Everything Must Go Before Police Arrive!

Call Now ‘Cuz We Close In An Hour!

Save Today, The World Ends Tomorrow!

Serving You For Three And A Half Generations!

Lowest Prices On Armor-Piercing Ammo!

Infectious Germs, Germs, Germs!

Made In America By Illegal Aliens!

We Neuter Service Dogs!

Your Satisfaction Depends!

You Have Our Promise…Not To Tell Authorities!

Just Wait Till Your Wife Hears, You Ass!

We’re Here To Serve You A Load Of Shit!

Pay Us Weekly.  Pay Us Monthly.  Pay Us Dearly!

No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problem!

We Keep Costs Low To Maximize Profits!

No Suicide Bombers Permitted!

Third Generation Service.  Third World Products!

Shop Now.  CEO’s 3rd Quarter Bonus Was Only $Two Mill!

*     *     *     *     *

Shop wary and shop smart.

If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

Be wise (But of course you are for reading this dribble) and be a cautious consumer.

Don’t be taken hook, line & stinker.

Looking good!

Going to the bathroom is something most people don’t even think about.

It just happens.  It’s natural.

If experts say “sucking” is a baby’s first instinct, then going potty has GOT to be a close second.

But to those of us with multiple sclerosis, doing our business is big business!

For many, the day revolves around the bathroom.

Careful not to stray too far.  Monitoring how much liquid we drink.  And when.

And any deviation, no matter how small, can be the difference between staying dry…and opening the floodgates!

My Odd Sock has discovered a couple other bathroom factors that are minute to most, but can be troublesome to MSers.

The first involves the lid to the toilet seat.

Swirly anyone?

Do you keep the lid up?

Lid up means this commode is locked & loaded.

Ready for you anytime.

No waiting.

Uh oh. Houston, we have a problem.

Or, do you prefer the lid to be down?

Lid down is the proper position, right?

If the lid wasn’t supposed to be down, American Standard wouldn’t have put one there.

Though the difference is small, the time & effort required to raise the lid can be huge to an MSer’s bladder brimming with urine.

Personally I prefer lid down.

One of my pet peeves is looking into a toilet.  I don’t want to see that.

But there have been many times when the final, bend-over to raise the lid have caused the levee to break if you know what I mean!

The other factor up for discussion is the bathroom door.

Anyone in there?

Some folks would rather keep the bathroom door closed even when not in use.

I have never fully grasped this concept.

So that means I must knock & listen for a response before I enter. Man, those w/MS don’t have that kind of time or control!

All clear for landing, Captain!

On the other hand, many people leave the bathroom door open when unoccupied.

This is wise for three reasons.  One, it’s easy to tell if the room is open for business.  Two, ventilation/air quality control for the next user.  And three, for those with MS, we need fast & easy access.  Honestly, an MSer could live without doors OR lids!

In fact, when home alone, I’m not even bothered to close the door when duty calls.

Don't even want to know.

Guess that explains my embarrassing, crab-like shuffle to close the door upon hearing someone returning home!

(Editors Note: This picture was not an easy capture.  Quite the challenge pressing the camera button, shuffling back into place, turning & walking back, pants around ankles before the shutter click).

Enough potty talk from me.

Are you lid up or lid down?  Door open or door closed?

Maybe you have other bathroom expertise you would like to share.

Spill it (your preferences, I mean) in a comment.

As Charmin says “Enjoy the go.”  But when you have MS that can be easier said than done.

Let’s face it, time is all we have—and who knows how much we get, so why not spend some time with a little physical exercise.

(GAG, GASP, CHOKE, SPIT, GROAN, CHORTLE, PUKE, WHEEZ, SNORT, COUGH)

Now hear me out.

The time you spend moving that body of yours will thank you back times ten.

It’s good for you.  And even better for your MS.

Those jumpy, twitching muscles in your legs are trying to tell you they want to move.  The crampy spasms in your arms are screaming the same thing.

So why not give them what they want and move’em!  (Or at least try to move them)

If you are like most people, you need two elements to get started…..motivation & challenge.

And I’m gonna give you both.

Motivation

Movement of any kind (even bowel!) will bring oxygen to starving cells.  Movement will loosen tightened muscles better than any Baclofen tab.  It elevates your mood.  Brightens your spirit.  And gives you a feeling of accomplishment.

Exercise gives every aspect of multiple sclerosis a major beat down.  Slaying spacticity.  Smothering fatigue.  Clearing a foggy mind.

Now THAT’S motivation!

Challenge

MS or not, you’re a competitive cuss.  Always have to win.  Yeah, I know you.

So you need a challenge to exercise, right?

And what better challenge is there than…..time.

By setting a time challenge, you pit your will against the clock.

In my basement (where I exercise..and do laundry), you’ll find this handy-dandy egg timer.

I can set it for however long or short, I want to work.

The challenge is working through the ding!

You can also use an oven timer.

It works equally well for a pot roast as it does a push up.

Another great challenge is exercising through the commercials on television.

Since the average commercial break is two minutes long, that gives you two minutes to lift your arms, walk in place, stand up & sit back down, tighten your abs—whatever.

In two minutes you’ll feel better—and you won’t be forced to sit through another commercial featuring Flo.

Exercise is time well spent.

Rewards outnumber the effort.  Benefits outweigh the cost.

It’s a win-win for you and a lose-lose for your MS.

Time to get moving.

Everyone adores the little candy hearts so popular this time of year.

In fact, Neeco, the world’s renowned Sweetheart manufacturer, has been making them & sharing love since 1902!

The touching phrases found on each heart have changed over the years, but they have never fully embraced the culture of the MS community.

With that in mind (or half-wit in my case), My Odd Sock has created candy hearts, sweet only to us with multiple sclerosis.

Enjoy…….

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

Learning Biology is as easy & fun as pouring a bowl of cereal!

Way back in the 1700’s, Carolus Linnaeus never though his life work could be reduced to a bowl of Sugar Puffs.

You see, Carl is the father of Taxonomy, the system of naming species of living things.  Using binomial nomenclature (a fancy-smansy way of naming the genus & species of a critter), he tagged every creature of shared characteristics with a Latin name.

And depending on which breakfast cereal you enjoy, you can learn about Taxonomy by studying the brand’s mascot.

For example…..

Sugar Smacks

Dig’em the Frog (Lithobates catesbeianus) is a bullfrog primarily found in North America.

Bullfrogs are known by their smooth, moist skin, large powerful legs and webbed feet.  (Sounds like my profile on eHarmony!)

Unlike most bullfrogs, Dig’em prefers wearing sneakers and a ball cap.

Cocoa Puffs

The Cuckoo bird (Coccyzus americanus) with its yellow bill, usually nests in the lower branches of trees and shrubs.

Did you know Cuckoo chicks can fly as young as 17 days old?

These birds enjoy wearing gaudy suit coats and are coo coo for Cocoa Puffs.

Honey Nut Cheerio’s

The Honeybee (Apis mellifera) represents only a small fraction of over 20,000 known species of bees.

Unlike other members of his hive, the Honey Nut Cheerios Honeybee speaks with an annoying buzzy voice and has perfectly straight teeth.

Frosted Flakes

Tony is a Bengal Tiger (Panthera tigris tigris).

This carnivore lives in mostly tropical forests and tall grassland habitats.

Tony is also known to be seen around playgrounds and athletic fields, any where children play & frolic.

Always the optimist, Tony walks on two legs and exclaims everything is great!

Trix

The Trix Rabbit (Sylvilagus floridanus).

More than half of the world’s rabbit population are found here in North America.

While many cereal mascots prefer to wear clothing, the Trix rabbit is secure enough to go butt-naked.

Its long ears are an adaptation for detecting predators—or children looking to steal back their cereal.

Super Sugar Crisp

Sugar Bear is a Brown Bear (Ursus arctos) characterised by a large body with stocky legs, large snout & short tail (Describes my date to prom in high school).

Sugar Bear’s smooth, hip voice and affinity for turtleneck sweaters make it the envy of the animal kingdom.

See how much you can learn!

Breakfast Biology IS fun thanks to those charismatic morning mascots.

It is worth your morning milk bloat when you can learn about binomial nomenclature as Linnaeus intended all those years ago.

Then again, you’re right.  This whole write-up is probably for the birds.