My Christmas Dilemma

My Christmas Dilemma


SIt on my lap & tell me ALL about it.

I suck at this.

Sixty years of holiday experience and I still suck at this.

Gift giving is what I am talking about.

I am thee absolute worst gift giver EVER.



If I was one of the three wise men, only I could come up with a more inferior gift idea than myrrh, an embalming oil & symbol of death.

Presenting my gift, baby Jesus would have said “Gee thanks, Doug” then rolled over to spew in his cradle.

You see, I have no imagination what to give someone.  None.  Which is why my gifts always suck.

Quite often my gifts never come out of the box.  Cellophane never broken.  Tags never removed. 

If not returned, gifts I give are doomed to a life shoved in the far back corner of a closet to gather a choking dust over time.

You want proof?  Here’s proof….

Given with love.


As a kid I bought my dad this George Carlin album for Christmas (Yeah, I had the spirit of the season didn’t I?)

He never listened to it.

And now it hangs on my bedroom wall.


Need another example?


Just what everyone wants.


I gave my wife an Ohio State baseball cap shaped umbrella.

That thing has never been opened.  Never deflected one drop of rain much less made an appearance outside of our home.  As rare as spotting an endangered bird species!


I’m impossible…..even if given a list.

‘It says he wants a Wankle Torque Wrench.  What the hell is that?  3/4 inch no less.  Golly, that helps me!”

I have been told to simply buy gift cards.  But I even have issues with that.

Gift cards go unused.  They get lost.  Or even worse…

What can go wrong here?





I am so thankful my lovely bride took over the gift buying in our household.

If left up to me, our kids, friends & family would end up with nothing remotely useable.

Yeah it’s my problem.  My Christmas dilemma.




2 Replies to “My Christmas Dilemma”

  1. I must say the guy peeping over the brick wall DOES look like George Santos.

    Actually I would be happy to have received your gifts.

    I did like George Carlin. How old were you when you purchased this album? Did you even know who George Carlin was? He was known for his dry humor and his “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television” monologue “The words are: sh*t, piss, f*ck, c*nt, co*ksucker, motherf*cker, and tits.

    I also liked the umbrella. I like unique things, and I would definitely use it. You can never have too many umbrellas. I used to keep one in the car, one at work, and I probably have about 4 in the closet right now. Many times if it’s raining I would offer a guest an umbrella. You would never know when or if you would get it back.

    Regarding the Blockbuster card, if there was still a Blockbuster open in my neighborhood, I’m sure I would have used the card to rent some movies. I always use my gift cards. However, one time, probably back in the 80s, I received a Blockbuster gift card as a door prize at a fundraiser. I didn’t have a VCR at the time , so I gave it to someone else at the table.

    1. Margaret,
      Please..of course I know George Carlin! He was the train conductor on a PBS show.
      Glad you could use my dreadful gifts. Thank you for your comment. Much appreciated!