Razor Burn

Razor Burn


Wha what?

It’s all about confidence, baby.

When you’re looking good–you’re feeling good.

But when I saw the commercial, I felt…..slighted.  That maybe, I wasn’t…good…..enough?


You see, as a mammal, we have hair.  But as a guy we have hair, and sometimes lots of it, in weird places.


Gas or electric?

According to the ad, to get rid of said unwanted hair, I needed something fierce called the Lawn Mower.

The Lawn Mower.  Cuts, trims, edges.  But not your driveway.  Heck no.  This was a trimmer for body hair.

What’s with that name?  Do I really want to use something near vital organs called the Lawn Mower?


“Yeah, lemme trim my pits with the Lawn Mower ‘cuz my sickle is being sharpened.”

What company makes this, Toro?


And this was the Lawn Mower 4.0.  What happened to the first three models?  Too much shearing flesh.

As you can see in the small print, the Lawn Mower is “available in the U.S. & Canada.”  Lucky us, I suppose.

Who manscapes in Canada?  Bigfoot & grizzly bears.  Next time I’m in the Yukon I’ll look for a sasquatch with neatly-trimmed pubes.

Deep breath.



From the ad, apparently you can use the Lawn Mower underwater.

Who do they think I am, Aqua Man?


Ariel proud of her old man.


No wonder King Triton looks so polished all the time.

He’s got a Lawn Mower hidden under a Conch shell.

Instead of a razor with a waterproof design, gimme a skylight that doesn’t leak.


And the Lawn Mower isn’t the only product they offer.

This a line trimmer?


For pesky ear & nose hair, try the Weed Wacker.

Yes, another great name.

Putting a Weed Wacker up your nose sounds like something from a Stephen King novel.


Wow, personal grooming for a dude has certainly taken a drastic turn.  

The Lawn Mower.  The Weed Wacker.

Guess I need to step it up.  Looking my best begins with a trip to…..Lowe’s

8 Replies to “Razor Burn”

  1. Great piece as always, Doug! And for the Lawn Mower 4.0 folks, a class action lawsuit in the making. Thanks for the laughs! dj

  2. I just had to look it up. $89.99 on Amazon. I just love the introduction , “Welcome to the newest and latest in below-the-waist trimming”. I was waiting for the video! 🙂

    1. Margaret,
      Of course you were waiting for the video, you filthy animal. Always a pleasure to hear from you!

    1. Jenn,
      Holy crap, aren’t you the clever gift-giver!
      Thanks for your two bits!