World’s Smallest

World’s Smallest


Self-claimed title.

“World’s Smallest” is a phrase thrown around with great regularity.

You will often see pictures of the world’s smallest Pekinese or world’s smallest bicycle.

Lots of stuff hawked on TV claims to be the world’s smallest.

But it all means nothing to me.  I’m numb to it, as daily, I live in my own personal bubble of ‘world’s smallest’ distinction.

You see, though not confirmed officially, I believe I have the world’s smallest…..nipples.

I’ll say it again….nipples.


My nipples are tiny.  Miniscule.

I have had bigger zits.

The plantar wart, surgically removed from the bottom of my foot, was bigger than my nipples.  Combined.


Monetary pasties.

I can cover each nipple with a dime.

Mosquitoes veer away from my chest saying “Eh, somebody already got him there!”

I don’t know why it bothers me so.  Nipples on a guy serve no purpose.  They are kind of a wasted body part.  Like a woman with a prostate.

Lucky I wasn’t female because if I had to breastfeed, my offspring would have starved.

Basically I have areolas with skin tags.


I never gave my nipples much thought till I was a teenager. 

Throughout high school I worked at a grocery store.  One time we had a summer company picnic at a coworker’s farm.  My buddies & I ran around like crazy playing Frisbee, touch football, whatever.

We got hot and took off our shirts.

Moments later I was approached by our shirtless assistant manager, Kenny.

Kenny wasn’t skinny nor was he fat, just blubbery.

Artist’s re-creation.

He says to me…”Man, you have the world’s SMALLEST nipples!”

I looked down at my own nipples and didn’t think much of it until I looked at Kenny’s.

He had not mere nipples–but more like teats!  

He could have nursed a litter of Rottweiler pups on those things. 

He would have filled out Madonna’s spiky bra, for sure.


I never surmised Kenny’s comment about my nipples would have influenced my life as it has.  Four decades later I still compare the size of mine to other guys.  Not on purpose mind you.  It has just become second nature, I suppose.

All a part of defending my title of having the “World’s Smallest” nipples.





2 Replies to “World’s Smallest”

  1. This scenario could have been much worse. You could have been in the shower room after gym class and a classmate says to you “Man, you have the world’s SMALLEST 🍆!”