Call Me What You Want

Call Me What You Want


Your name is your identity.

Who you are.

But your name can also be a nemesis.


I go by whatever.
I go by whatever.



Because no matter how bland, how simple, how generic a name appears to be, some third-grade smart ass will twist, shred, mangle & strip that name into a form so heinous, it will no longer be recognizable…leaving the namesake a quivering puddle of plasma.




That is the reason it pains me to hear of celebrities & common folk giving their children names that will forever be mocked.


Like when magician Penn Gillette named his daughter, Moxie.  Or Gwyneth Paltrow honored her kids with Apple and Moses.  (Try living up to that one!)


Just imagine the ridicule they face.


On the other hand, my name is Doug Ankerman.  Nothing flashy.  Just a simple name.

But to prove my point of how cruel kids & adults can be, I’ll share a sampling of a few of the name variations I have heard in my 52 years of existence.  Ready?


I have been called:





Dougie Wougie

Dougie Wougie Woo

Doug E. Fresh


Dummy Doug

Doogie  (So glad “Doogie Houser” was cancelled!)


Doogle Heimer

Doogle Hiney Heimer Steiner


Dog Breath


D. A.

Dumb Stupid Asshole  (My initials are D.S.A.)

Dan Druff

Hal E. Tosis




Anker Man

Anker Woman  (Growing up, a neighbor girl called me that—still stings today!)

Anker Tack

Anker Clanker


Lank Stank Ank

Skank  (That was WAY before what it means today–thankfully!)



Spugga Lugga Bing Bong


And that’s not to mention an unmentionably long list of names so graphic they would make a convict blush!


I often get called by something other than “Doug” when people forget my first name.  “Mark” or “Greg” are generally the most popular choices.  Not sure why.  I must look like a “Mark” or a “Greg.”


As you can see, my identity has been stretched like a wet sweater on a hanger.  I’ve been called a lot of different names in my day.  And I answer to any of them.  That’s why I tell folks, “Call me what you want because I’ve probably been called worse!”