The common sneeze.  The body’s way to free irritants from its airways.

Powerful, yet respected.  Even total strangers will say “Bless you” when you sneeze in their presence.

That being said, I would like to propose that despite its disgustingly-dirty, germ-spreading, schnot-flying reputation, a sneeze has a deeper meaning.

A sneeze is like the crowning point of pleasure…for your nose.

The ultimate apex of nasal satisfaction.

Or, what I like to call….a “nosegasm.”

Far fetched?  Not so fast my congested friend.  Let me explain.  You see, a “nosegasm” is like first-cousin to the reproductive systems counterpart.  And they are similar with three distinct phases.

The first phase of a “nosegasm” is what I call “nasal foreplay.”  It’s that tingling sensation in your nose that tells you a sneeze is on its way and there is no turning back.  Nope, thinking about yesterday’s box scores will not help you here.  You are on a non-stop, one-way trip to Mucusville!

The second phase is the sneeze, or nosegasm, itself.  Like the sexual equivalent, during the actual “Kazoonhite moment”, the world spins wildly out of control.  Arms flailing.  Chest heaving.  Eyes closed (Why can’t you sneeze with your eyes open?).  Spastic, jerky movements resembling Mick Jagger getting electroshock treatments.

Finally, phase three is what I call the “nasal afterglow.”  Ahhh.  You cuddle your nose with a tissue.  And a sense of rapture takes over while you bask in a euphoric “I’ll call you in the morning” feeling.

You can draw other similarities between a nosegasm and the real McCoy.

There are those who hold their sneezes in—not experiencing the typical nosegasmic sensations.  I call these people “nasal impotent.”

Or when a sneeze surprises you–seemingly coming out of nowhere, completely bypassing the first initial phase (see above).  This I call a “premature noseulation.”

And certainly, you gotta admire those lucky souls who sneeze two, three or four times in a row.  You guessed it—a multiple nosegasm!

In a nutshell, those are my thoughts on this interesting bodily process.

So pass the pepper as my theories on the “nosegasm” prove beyond a reasonable doubt that “Sneezy” was the happiest of all the Seven Dwarfs!