Is it me?

Is it my MS-riddled fumble fingers?

Or is it an evil conspiracy of product manufacturers that I can’t open a bag, carton, container, jar or can without using some tool resembling the “jaws of life.”

Try opening a package of Gillette Sensor razor blades?  My God, King Tut’s tomb opened easier!

Childproof? More like idiotproof.

Certainly the difficulty all started with the medicine bottle.

But now, the frustration factor has been implemented by every other product producer under the guise of “ensuring freshness.”  Sure I feel good my ketchup has a titanium-strong foil lid covering the bottle.  But how the hell do I remove it to put some Heinz on my burger?

Open if you can.

Deer Park Water proudly gloats on their bottles “Smaller Cap=Less Plastic.” 

Their “20% less plastic” may be better for the environment–or it could be a way for them to save 20% in cost.  For me, it means 20% less cap to grip while trying to open the bottle!

Scalpel. Retractor. Sponge.

Opening the shrink-wrap packaging of a Finish Dish washing tablet must be like performing surgery.

I have never removed a spleen, but I believe I am now qualified after dissecting the shrink wrap off these or the wrap on a DVD box.

Go WITH the grain

Cheese slices are another impossible item to open.

Looking for an edge to start, I dig & scratch with my fingernails like a flea-bitten junkyard dog!

It’s a shrink-wrapped package of shrink-wrapped cheese slices…Cracking the DNA code had less layers!

Use power tools with care.

Opening the bag inside a box of cereal is challenging whether you have MS or not.  The bags seem to be spot-welded closed!

So secure, you would think the bags contained gold medalions instead of Golden Grahams!

Short of explosives, this is the best way to open condiment packets.

Finally, ketchup packets are in a league of their own.

They won’t tear, won’t squeeze, won’t twist.

I swear if I ever jump from a tall building, I want to land on a giant packet of ketchup, because I can be assured it will never, ever open.  (And if it did—the accident scene would look gruesome, wouldn’t it?)

Share with me your opening woes as when it comes to opening a package, we could all use a helping hand.

Statistics indicate we are an intelligent group.

A 2009 study reported that of all Americans age 25 and over….86.6% are high school graduates.  55.6% had some college training.  And 38.% were college graduates.

It says "Do Not Eat."

Educated, yet hidden among my slices of turkey, I found this little packet of a drying agent clearly marked “Do Not Eat.”

What?  Do not eat?  Do they take me for a fool?  (Don’t answer that!)  Must they mark this to prevent me from sprinkling on my sandwich like some seasoning?

I suppose someone has done this before.  That would explain the need to label as such.

Could their warning be aimed at the 15% who didn’t graduate high school?  Heck, I know folks who dropped out of grade school who have more sense than some with Doctorate degrees!

So I began looking around the My Odd Sock homestead to see if I could find other examples of “obviously stupid” labeling….

Use with caution.

Low & behold, right there on a bottle of mouthwash are the “how-to’s” of Artic Mist Listerine w/Tartar Protection.

First of all, it says a proper serving is 20 milliliters.  Don’t the makers of Listerine realize the metric system never took hold here in America?  Be honest, don’t you just take a swig right out of the bottle?

As an afterthought, the makers thought they better remind us “do not swallow,” that is unless of course, you are the wife of Mike Dukakis.  (If I was married to him, I’d have to swill Listerine too!)

Your pits are waiting

Looking further, I stumbled upon this label on Ban Roll-On Antiperspirant.

It says to “apply to underarms only.”  Like where else am I gonna put this stuff?  “Boy, my tongue is really moist.  Maybe if I use some Ban, I won’t drool so much!”

Duh, the warning clearly states “For external use only.”  Also, “do not use on broken skin.”

Thank goodness for directions

Moving along, I discover this bottle of Head & Shoulders dandruff shampoo.  The label thoroughly explains how to use shampoo….”wet hair, massage into scalp, rinse…”

Wait, I have MS so I’m a little forgetful.  Could you remind me–what was step two again?

Then, it adds “repeat if desired.”  Ah, no thanks, I think getting soap in my eyes once was enough!

Of course, to clarify any confusion, Head & Shoulders tells us “for best results use at least twice a week.”

The label continues by saying…”or as directed by a doctor.”

Now think about this.  As a guy, I am embarrassed to talk to my doctor about E.D., but I would be “out-of-my-mind” crazy to ask my doctor about dandruff shampoo!

We have to be smarter than this, I swear.

Look around your home too see what you can find with “obviously stupid” labeling.  Then share it with the rest of us in a comment!

Yeah, sometimes you don’t have to look far when you need a chuckle!

In Memoriam

 Pen

June 2009-April 2011

Pen departed this life peacefully Friday morning in the hand of My Odd Sock.

A tireless worker, pen was the devoted, creative transcriptionist who painstakingly recorded the bizarre thoughts dribbling from the brain case of My Odd Sock.

A grieving My Odd Sock

Pen was responsible for the creation of over 150 posts…along with hundreds of jokes–several of which were funny!

Discovered in the junk drawer under the microwave oven, Pen quickly became the author’s favorite!

Smooth operation.  Dependable, smudge-free writing.  And a fat, easy-to-grip end, perfect for MS-riddled fumble fingers.

Pen II

Pen is survived by Pen II, a close understudy, who realizes it has big shoes to fill, yet, pledges to carry on Pen’s tradition of low-brow humor. 

Pen was flippantly buried (tossed) in the kitchen trash bin and was quickly forgotten.

There were no calling hours.

In lieu of flowers, My Odd Sock requests those in grief to send cash & checks in care of My Odd Sock.com.

Sit back & listen

Let’s poke fun at the funeral home business!

Enjoy this :60 mp3 parody commercial for a new burial option.

Just click on the title at the end of this sentence to hear about the Earl S. Dietz Funeral Home

“Earl S. Dietz Funeral Home” was written by My Odd Sock and produced by Tony Gialluca Productions.

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More dumb stuff from the mind of My Odd Sock.

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Toy on every kid's wish list!

I saw this toy for sale in a store.

Just what every kid wants—a game of meat!

I like the “Magic Meatball Mountain Ski Jump.”  Imagine the fun one could have!

“Hey kids, grab the ground beef and “Meat Me For Dinner!”

Me. Not actual size.

Summer is here in all its glory.  And like you, I’m stuck inside, chomping at the bit to get out to enjoy summer’s splendor.  The Heatmeister’s “hot & humid” conditions make it impossible for those of us with multiple sclerosis to “doe-see-doe” outside the confines of our air conditioners.  (We can relate to the Bubble-boy in a way.)

I know I’m preaching to the choir here as much of the country has suffered with extreme temps this summer.

I can handle winter’s chill. but when the mercury is pushing the top of the thermometer, I begin to melt like Frosty the Snowman.

Let’s just say I move in sssllllooooww mmmoottiiiooonn.  (Not that I was breaking any land speed records before!)

That's how I feel!

My legs feel like they weight a ton.  I’m walking in a viscous world of wallpaper paste.

My feet lumber along as though I’m wearing a pair of the Mafia’s cement shoes.  I must be walking on a sidewalk made of rodent glue traps.  Godzilla trudged through Japanese cities with greater freedom of movement.

And my legs and feet aren’t the only extremities that dread summer’s “h & h.”

Gloves & wrist weights.

My hands go on an extended coffee break in the heat.

All 10 digits look at me with disgust and say “You want US to do WHAT?”

Good thing I’m not a surgeon as I struggle with a knife & fork.

I can’t even pick my nose with some semblance of dexterity!

My Odd Sock taking a break from the heat.

Sometimes the very best I can do is collapse in front of a register………and chill (Bad pun).

My only solution is venturing outside when the sun goes down.  Yeah, I’m like a gimpy wolfman (Hairy like one anyway).

Problem is, at night, when you move slower than a glacieral land mass, the skeeters pounce on you quicker than one of Michael Vick’s Rottweilers.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining as things could be worse.  I just wanted to let off a little steam (Sorry, I couldn’t resist) about how the heat affects my MS.

How do you cope with the summer’s “hot & bother?”

Wipe the sweat from your brow  and share your story with the rest of the class.

Otherwise, stay cool and enjoy every waking moment as it’s getting hot in here.