One last encore presentation…A new My Odd Sock will magically appear on Monday, June 13th!

Put your hands together for a My Odd Sock favorite…..Brain Drain!

For those of you new to My Odd Sock, Brain Drain is an opportunity to pull the plug on the offbeat thoughts bouncing around in this big, empty head of mine.  Let’s get this party started…..

Body Builder

First up is a new exercise gadget called the Shake Weight. 

The Shake Weight is a motorized dumbbell that moves back & forth like a piston, shifting the weight for a greater intensity in one’s workout.

I don’t have a problem with the Shake Weight as a product…it’s the commercial that leaves you feeling a bit “skeevy!”

The commercial I saw features a lady holding the Shake Weight very close to her chest, straight up & down.  And this thing is moving its groove.  It ah…let’s just say…something didn’t seem right about this picture. 

 I imagined some guy thinking he was in a video booth trying to feed quarters into his TV to keep the commercial going!

Apparently, Shake Weight also has a commercial featuring men using the product in just the same manner.  Drawing from my advertising background, I surmise Shake Weight is trying to gain “market-share” with those playing for the other team, so to speak.

Let’s move on…..

Dollars For Scholars

Because my oldest will soon be off to college, we have begun the exhaustive search for scholarship money.  I signed up with a free search website that uncovers scholarship opportunities and alerts me with the details.  So the other day I get an email stating “New Awards Are Waiting For You!”

And the offer was…….

“New Look Laser Tattoo Removal Scholarship (Amount: $1,000)”

Yes.

Uh hm.

Yup, I had the same stupid look on my face as you do right now!

Here are the details…..

“The New Look Laser Tattoo Removal Scholarship is available to students majoring in a field that has advanced the field of laser tattoo removal whether through research & development or clinical practice to qualify for this award.  An essay of 300-500 words must be submitted.”

Just imagine those essays!….

“My momma has an eagle tattoo but her back-fat makes it look all lumpy & junk.  She wanted to have it removed….”

“I have a ‘3′ tattoo for Dale Earnhardt, but he done died.  I’m wundering if I can have it….”

“I believe tattoos are temporary.  It’s nipple-rings that are forever!”

Moving along…

Dirty Laundry

In the clothes basket, I noticed the tag from a pair of Levi jeans.

My Levi jeans were…..made in EGYPT?

Egypt?  Isn’t Levi-Strauss a proud American company?

Great.  It’s 110 degrees outside and some poor Egyptian woman is sewing my denim!  I’ll think about her while I’m at the mall sucking down an Orange Julius!

Egypt…home to the great pyramids, one of the seven wonders of the world—-and Levi jeans!

Oh yeah, from Social Studies class, I remember the ancient drawings of Egyptian Pharaohs wearing dungarees!

In King Tut’s tomb, they found gold bullion….and a pair of 501’s!  Even King Tut hated button-fly jeans.  (Who came up with that genius concept anyway?)

That’s it.  I’m done.

Phew.  I feel better now.  I unloaded so much brain-baggage I think my forehead collapsed!…..No wait, that’s just a receding hairline.

The red carpet has been unfurled.  Lawn chairs have been placed.  And the winners are in.

It’s time to announce the recipients of the 2010 My Odd Sock Flemmy Awards!

The prestigious My Odd Sock Flemmy Award

The Flemmy Awards recognize excellence in buffoonery from the past year right here at My Odd Sock.

(Note–there have been no signs of excellence on these pages–only MS inspired madness)

Looks like esteemed guests have taken their seats, sic bags have been distributed, so cue the orchestra and let’s begin the 2010 My Odd Sock Flemmy Awards!……

Our first award is the Favorite Comment of the Year….

And the Flemmy goes to:

“I harvest worms through my worm farm–then I drink their piss.”

                           (Thunderous Applause)

Wow!  That was truly inspired work!

Let’s move along with the award for Most Absurd Photograph…

And the Flemmy goes to:

From the post “Odds & Ends,” this picture of the intruder height scale found at a local diner!

                 (More thunderous applause)

Ansel Adams eat your heart out!

Next, we have the honor for the Most Time-Consuming Photograph…

And the Flemmy goes to:

My Odd Sock's cry for help

From “Baclofen Blast,” we have the “SOS” image scrolled on an Etch-A-Sketch.

(Elated shouts, whistles and loud clapping)

Yes, moving with the speed of a slug, I slowly wrote this message on the Etch-A-Sketch.  Then, realizing it wasn’t dark enough for a photo, I had to retrace the SOS–working backwards!

Greatness takes time (about 40 minutes), I know, but this award makes it all worthwhile.

Moving along, let’s honor the Best One-Liner…

This award was difficult to select—not because of so many worthy contributions, but because of the lack of!

Finally, through slim pickings…the Flemmy goes to:

“I have stepped on more feet than a corporate muckity-muck.”

My Odd Sock describes what it is like moving through a crowd with fumble feet in the post “Gotta Go Right Now.”

(Huge applause.  Audience member’s palms begin to redden & swell)

Next, we recognize sarcastic bitterness with the Best Brain Drain…

With hasty regard, the Flemmy goes to:

                                        “Brain Drain # 6″

(Brain Drain #6 poked fun at the Shake Weight, college scholarships and Levi’s jeans made in Egypt.)

(Roaring applause.  Audience becomes uneasy–bladders are bursting, palms sear with pain)

Let’s quickly move on to our final two categories.

First, we give the Flemmy for the Best Humor Post…

So so many deserving post, but the Flemmy goes to:

The great alfredo spill.

“Another Disastrous Spill,”an Alfredo sauce parody of the BP Gulf Coast oil spill.

(Waves of applause, hands begin to bleed.  Is there a doctor in the house?)

Finally, in the last of the 2010 My Odd Sock Flemmy Awards, we recognize the Best MS Post…

And the Flemmy goes to:

Maggie

“Tale Wagging Fun,” the story of my MS related foot drop and a cute, little pooch.

(Audience rises to their feet and charges the stage in a riot)

That does it for this years Flemmy Awards.  Thank you for your readership in 2010…and for looking past my sometimes strange sense of humor.

Here’s to a great 2011 to you!

Blurry from shopping in the chair!

The holiday season means it is time to hunker down into my wheelchair and face the Christmas hustle & bustle at crotch-eye level.

Yes, Christmas shopping is all the more merrier from the seated position.  (Now I know why Santa is always sitting down!)

Well, with my list in-hand, let’s roll to the mall and purchase our “gifts of joy”……because nothing says “you are special to me” MORE than a shiatsu massaging cushion from Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Open the door!

Come on in. 

My Odd Sock’s first hurdle is just getting into the damn store!

This entrance at Sears is clearly marked “handicap accessible,” yet, there is no button to open the door.  Forget the wheelchair, I quickly realize my “handicap” is trying to get into the place!

Usually, another courteous shopper will be nearby to help hold the door for you…..but this is Sears.  I’ve seen ghost towns with more traffic!

Seasonal spirit  

 I’ve noticed store clerks & other shoppers are extremely helpful when you are in a wheelchair.  They go out of their way to assist you.  I figure, they feel bad because this guy has wheels for feet.  That’s why I am always “over-the-top” positive when in my chair as I try to dispel the “woe is me” wheelchair image.

The Squeeze is on

Shopping in a wheelchair can be tough battling crowds,, parking, ect—but the real challenge is in the aisles.

The squeeze is on as you try to fit between the displays for house slippers, Shake Weights & glittery turtlenecks.

Here is a picture of an aisle that would be a tight fit even for a anorexic fashion model- let alone a wheelchair!

Going thru this aisle gave me greater appreciation of a woman giving birth.

I swear when finally making my exit, I heard a “pop!” sound.

Biggens

Finally,  from a  seated position, you tend to get an in-your-face view of big backsides.

Gluteus Maximus in 3-D.

I’ve seen butt cracks that make the San Andreas fault seem like a fine line. 

Hip Huggers scream “uncle” in mercy.

I saw a Levi’s tag I gotta believe was triple digits!

This butt was so big, if denim was an animal–the species would be extinct.

And from my box seat, it is not only “seeing is believing”…no, you see, I get to enjoy the “sounds & smells” of the season as well, if you will.

Let me put it this way, no one claims to eat the holiday fruitcake, but someone is—and I am caught in the cloudy, odoriferous haze that follows.

Through crowds, long lines, charge cards & gift receipts…wheelchairs or not, we muddle through to finish our holiday shopping with moments to spare.  Just enough time to catch our breath before we gather with family & friends—AND gear-up for our December 26th visit to the stores to return our house slippers, Shake Weights & glittery turtlenecks, right?

May you have a tremendous Christmas holiday!