Sit back & listen

You can’t watch TV without seeing a commercial for “Five Hour Energy,” the little bottle taken to increase your energy.

Well, here is a new product parody, written by My Odd Sock and produced by Tony Gialuca Productions, just click on the title at the end of this sentence to hear a :60 mp3 version of Three Hour Leg Cramp

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Bonus Nonsense:

“Eureka!”….”Stop the presses!”….”Watson, come here. I need you!”….and any other phrase that signifies a great new discovery…..

Cottonelle is asking you to “Experience the ripple effect,” the revolutionary tool in personal cleansing!

It’s just a matter of time before Cottonelle’s “Ripple effect” toilet paper becomes bigger than the Wright Brother’s second invention—the air-sick bag!

Why just the other day I remember saying to myself “I wish my toilet paper had a texture—like my potato chips!

Am I wiping with toilet paper? Or corduroy? (Wonder if wiping makes the same sound as walking in cords?….”Vft, vft, vft, vft, vft.”)

The ad says Cottonelle Clean Care TP is “Now 30% stronger”—yep, guaranteed to remove a layer of skin!

The ad continues “..with extra-absorbent ripples.” Sorry, but if you need that much absorbency, you don’t need toilet paper—you need Kaopectate!

Maybe just step into the shower when you are done!

“Cottonelle Clean Care Toilet Paper cares for you like no other roll.” Yes, they are the only ones offering a skin graft after each use!

Rippled toilet paper? I’ll pass. My regular Cottonelle works just fine.

A Message from the Editor

This edition of My Odd Sock has been rated “S” for “serious.”

The usual low-brow humor has been replaced by a lot of wah-wah, belly-aching chit-chat and visions of the world’s smallest violin playing “My Heart Bleeds For You.”

–Helen Eleanor Saggybags,  My Odd Sock Editor-In-Chief

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My doctor didn’t mention it.

I didn’t read about it in any book of multiple sclerosis.

Nor did I see it mentioned in a magazine or on the web.

When I was drafted to receive my MS diagnosis way back when, I heard about mobility and spasticity, bowel & bladder control, balance, vision and cognitive function—those I could handle.  But it was the unmentioned condition I had and continue to have the biggest problem wrapping my arms around.

It’s the doubt!

The cloak of MS doubt.

Multiple sclerosis has covered my big, melon head with doubt.  A darkness that has caused me to doubt my abilities..and my self.

Doubting my role as a spouse, a parent, a provider.

Doubting kicks in when people begin to do chores for you–things like cleaning your gutters or cutting grass–things you USE to do.

Or when your spouse gets a second, even a third job job to make ends meet.

When you can’t bring in the groceries.  And when you can’t help at a school function, doubt is always there to console you.

Doubt is definitely the unsung bastard child of MS!

Doubt zaps your confidence like humidity steals your energy level.

I can use a cane to help with my balance.  A wheelchair to help with my fatigue.  But there is nothing to help one through a spell of self-doubt.

So I write about it, hoping you’ll lend some words of wisdom to me and others who are dealing with the “doubt” that comes with MS.

Although it can be a daily knock-down, drag-out, I’m beginning to peek out from under the doubt and getting on with life as an MSer.

Some days are easier than others.  But that’s typical of our disease.  You have good days–and not so good days.

I try to focus on what I have, rather than what I don’t.  How lucky I am, instead of unlucky.  How fortunate…than not so.

Yep, doubt can be one tough pill to swallow.  Maybe that is why they don’t mention it.  Some things you just have to figure out on your own!

My Odd Sock salutes Halloween and everything surrounding this spooky “pseudo” holiday!

Here are some observations made in and around the My Odd Sock corporate HQ….

Saw this car parked nearby…

And you thought that bug you hit was a big one!

Next…

Yummy, my favorite treat…Indian corn.

Just wondering though, in this day of political-correctness, shouldn’t this candy be called “Native-American corn?”

(Doesn’t have the same ring!)

Finally…

More people than ever are decorating their homes for Halloween.

Here is one such home I found….

Can you find what is so frightening about this display?

What’s scary is having not one, not two, but THREE damn satellite dishes on the roof!

NORAD isn’t as connected as this place!

I’ve seen fewer dishes in a cafeteria!

I can’t find anything on TV with basic cable.  Is this really necessary?

Oh well, have a happy Halloween!

Annually, My Odd Sock conducts a very sophisticated, highly complex study of the latest trends facing those with multiple sclerosis.

This year, YOU have been chosen to participate in this mindless survey of ridiculousness.

Using a #3 pencil, please answer each question as it relates to you and your MS.

You may begin…as we present the…

2011 My Odd Sock MS Senseless Survey

Question 1-

The medication instruction sheet in a box of MS drugs…

a)   describes the proper method of injection.

b)   notes any possible side effects.

c)   is large enough to be used as a decorative tablecloth!

Rebif? How charming!

Question 2-

Ampyra and Gilenya are…

a)   medications used in MS treatment.

b)   MS medications that work for some, but not all.

c)   names of Cinderella’s ugly step-sisters.

Question 3-

C.C.S.V.I…..

a)   stands for “Chronic Cerebrospinal Venous Insufficiency.”

b)   is being studied as a potential contributor to MS.

c)   is the ship identification number on the side of Star Trek’s “Enterprise.”

Question 4-

The push-button, power-assisted entrance doors at the mall…

a)   assist me with my shopping.

b)   are handy when using a mobility aid.

c)   never give me enough time without being crushed in the threshold of the door frame.

Question 5-

For Halloween, my favorite MS costume is…

a)   “House”  (cane)

b)   “Ironside” or F.D.R.  (wheelchair)

c)   Stephen Hawking  (power scooter)

Question 6-

When I see a “Caution Wet Floor” sign…

a)   I am careful with each step.

b)   I realize the floor may be slick.

c)   I wonder if I just peed myself.

Question 7-

A visit with my neurologist…

a)   is important to note changes in my condition.

b)   alerts me of any new treatment options.

c)   is a good way to kiss 200 bucks goodbye and get nothing in return.

Question 8-

Rituximab and Ocrelizumab are…

a)   two medications used in the treatment of MS.

b)   given by IV infusion.

c)   Russian tag-team wrestlers in the WWE.

Question 9-

Using a shower chair…

a)   allows me to bathe without assistance.

b)   reduces MS related fatigue.

c)   makes incredible noises as I slide my wet ass across the seat.

Question 10-

This picture represents…

a)   people who can enjoy combative activities despite their medical condition.

b)   remaining active is the key to quality of life.

c)   two MSers fighting for the last dose of Copaxone.

This completes your participation in the 2011 My Odd Sock MS Senseless Survey.

Thank you for your lost time and wasted efforts.

Your answers will be carefully studied, noted and carelessly discarded as if anyone really give a hoot.

(Maybe the 2012 Survey will be more serious!)

Welcome to “Brain Drain #15.”

As in the previous 14, this post gives your esteemed author the opportunity to have a brain movement (BM) and purge the cranium of some unwanted and utterly ridiculous thoughts & observations.

Let’s get to it shall we…..

Vote For Me

It’s election time and My Odd Sock has found a candidate who has his blessing….

Yes, Pope is running for Trustee!

This will be a landslide race, I mean, who wouldn’t vote for the Pontiff!

This will be so cool to see Pope driving to the trustee meeting in the Popemobile…Waving to his constituents from inside the snow-globe bubble.  So cool when Pope wears his tall, post-hole digger Pope hat while discussing the community waste-water problems!

I can hardly wait till election day.

Moving right along…

Dress-Up Time

Joseph A. Bank is a franchise selling suits & fine men’s clothing.  They advertise on local TV with sale offers that get bigger & better each week.

The “Buy-One-Get-One-Free” deal is small potatoes at Joseph A. Bank!  The sale this week was “Buy one suit at regular price—get two more suits free!  Plus, get five silk ties free!”

Most times I wonder how they can stay in business.

Even my teenage son remarked “How can they give away that much crap?”

(Yes, he has the command of the language much like his father!)

What’s next….

Heigh-ho Heigh-ho

OK, I’m all for cute, but this is demoralizing.

A postcard from Ashton-Drake Galleries fell out of the magazine I was reading.

Ashton-Drake Galleries are known for creating collectible dolls.  This postcard was promoting its latest work of babies dressed as the seven dwarfs.

I pity the poor baby portraying “Dopey.”

Being labeled at such a young age is unfair.  This kid is destined to ride the short bus. 

As a youngster, this doll will surely be ridiculed by the other cooler, prettier dolls.  Until finally reaching the breaking point, this angry, troubled doll will steal a Tonka truck and run over Ken & Barbie, killing them both.

Or maybe not.

Lastly….

TV Time

CBS has a new crime-drama TV show called “Unforgettable.”

“Unforgettable” stars Poppy Montgomery as a NYPD detective with a real-life medical condition that allows her to have total recall of everything she sees, hears and experiences.  Remembering every situation, every conversation, every place, person and thing that has occured in her life.

Oh, did I mention her character is……female?

Of course not–I don’t have to!  We males, know ALL females already have this ability!

Males can’t remember what they put on their morning toast, but females are quick to remind us of something we said–or did 10..20..25 years ago!

Is this such a rare medical condition?  Not in my book.  Not at all!

Wait, what was I talking about?  Oh yeah, the TV show.

I need to end this sideshow.

So that’s all I have for this “Brain Drain.”  If you would like to declutter your brain-case, go ahead and spill your guts with a comment.

Otherwise, I’ll plug the hole and begin filling the sink for next time!

Happy draining!

Congratulations!  You have multiple sclerosis!

As a member to our exclusive club, you’ll get an ID card, learn the secret MS handshake (it’s no secret, just stick out your hand and it shakes by itself!), and enjoy thrice weekly mailings by charities looking for donations!

Let's eat!

You celebrate your new achievement by sitting down to a finely prepared meal.

But what to eat?

As an MSer, you may wonder what foods are better for you?

And what foods should you avoid?

Is there a special diet you should follow? 

Or is it all for naught?

Sorry to break it to you–but this isn’t “O” magazine–so I don’t have all the answers.  Though you raise excellent questions!

(Yawn) This is interesting.

In my research for this piece (all five minute of it), I realized there are as many MS diet recommendations as there are types of MS!

Some follow a vegetarian diet.

Some are vegans (sounds like an alien from “Star Trek”).

One MSer I know avoids all processed foods.

Others yet, follow the “Swank” diet.  No the “Swank” diet wasn’t created by female lap-dancers.  Developed by Dr. Roy Swank, MSers are encouraged to follow an extremely low fat diet avoiding all red meat.

Does it work?

Is there one MS diet that is more beneficial than the others?

Water or Vodka?

Well, as I have said before–I am NOT a doctor.  (Although when wearing a white lab coat–I look like one!).

So this Odd Sock can’t make a suggestion.  As what works for me might not work for you.  The only suggestion I can offer is to try it–if you feel better–good for you!

Me?  I simply use common sense.  Eat a variety of foods.  In moderation.  I also try to eat lower in fat.  And watch the fried stuff.  (I’ll fit into that two-piece NEXT summer, dammit!)

Bottom line, there is no miracle diet for MS.  There is no miracle cure.  If there was, your doctor would have told you.

So how about you.  Do you follow any special diet for your MS?

What do you feel is the best way to feed your MS?

Belly up to the table and share your thoughts.  I’m hungry for answers!

(Burp)  Pardon me.