My Odd Sock

Wait, let me get this straight.  You’re saying you are going to take this neurotoxin, this poison….produced by a bacteria!….A toxin, which in its natural form causes botulism.

And you’re going to inject it into my muscles?  And it’s going to ease my spasticity?

That’s crazy!

Crazy, but it’s true.  It’s Botox Therapy, or BT.  And I am living, breathing (needs a TicTac) proof!

I just completed my third treatment (each treatment lasts about 3 months) and I can’t wait for my Botox to kick in.

The therapy’s benefits are not usually noticed for a few days..up to a couple of weeks after the treatment.  But it does help to ease muscle tightness.

Over the years, I’ve tried numerous muscle relaxers in pill form and I still take one on a daily basis.  My biggest complaint is the “dosey-dopey” state many of those pills put me in.

(What?…He’s not naturally that “dosey-dopey?”)

Excuse me, you don’t graduate from college with a stellar 2.3 gpa being “dosey-dopey!”

I was given several Botox injections in my inner thighs & calves (my problem areas).  And the whole procedure was done in about an hour.

As a matter off fact, a hidden camera  captured this picture during my actual session.

Multiple Sclerosis affects everyone differently.  So whether your spasticity is in your legs, arms, neck or wherever, Botox Therapy may offer you some relief.

And check out the difference…….

Before Botox

After Botox

Just remember, My Odd Sock is an expert on nothing, just an idiot on everything.

Anyone care to hear some ZZ Top?…..”She’s got le-eggs!”

Please clear it up

Have you ever done something impulsively, thinking it was correct for all the right reasons, only to get grief later on?

I mean more than grief—I mean ridiculed—I mean vilified to the point where my two teenage sons said…”Dad, you must be gay.”

Let me explain.

I have been a long time subscriber to the magazine Sports Illustrated.  With its crisp writing and great pictures, SI is the absolute authority of sports!

But the issue of SI that I do not understand, is probably its most-popular–the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

Cover to cover, this mag is pictures of bikini-clad young models doing, doing…..doing what bikini-clad models do.  (First of all, not one of them can properly tie their top because it’s always loose, forcing them to cover themselves with their hands!)

For a number of years, I would receive my swimsuit issue, quickly glance at it, and pass it on to a co-worker the very next day.  What do I want this issue for, I reasoned.  Not one lousy sports story.  Nothing but bikini-clad models.

“Dad, you must be gay.”

So last year, Sports Illustrated subscribers could opt out of receiving the swimsuit issue and SI would extend your subscription one extra week.  Grrreeaat!  A win-win for me.  Or so I thought.  Not a win-win situation when you have two teenage sons looking forward to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue…and their “Pops” opted out of receiving one…..hence, “Dad, you must be gay.”

Therefore, let me make myself clear……I am NOT gay.

I am a married man.  Married for over 20 years.

Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt?  Sure, he’s a good-looking guy.  But he’s Brad Pitt.  

Nick Lachey

That’s Nick Lachey.  Yes, he’s a good-looking dude.

Would you stop it!  It’s just that I am comfortable enough to recognize a handsome guy when I see one.  That’s all.  Geez.

And another thing about the bikini-clad models…..could SI spring for a beach towel?  Why do these girls have to sit on the wet sand?

Last time I did that I found sand in body crevices I didn’t know I had!  How the hell does sand get there?

So as you can clearly see, this year I didn’t “opt” out.  And when I received my swimsuit issue, I scoured its contents—one lovely page at a time.

The models still can’t tie their damn tops.  And Sports Illustrated still hasn’t given the girls a beachtowel.  Fact is, the only change that occured was that Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue was delivered to my door.

I wondered why my mailman gave me a “thumbs-up.”

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During February, My Odd Sock salutes Black History Month.

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I hear ya.  You’re saying “Another MS post about bladder control?…We know the drill.  Take a pill would you!”

Alas, you are wrong!

This isn’t about the bladder or the enlarging prostate at all—it’s about my self-described “gotta go mode.”

(Though I must confess I’m intrigued by those commercials in how a pill will know to shrink my prostate only—I’m afraid it might shrink another vital organ in the neighborhood!)

Yes, my “gotta go mode”…..the urge to arrive early at heavily attended events such as concerts and sporting events.

Please understand with multiple sclerosis as my partner, things move slower.  I move slower.

It’s like being in a three-legged race……with a statue!

The ocean’s tide makes a faster entrance.

So by arriving early, I have ample time to make my way to a seat without disturbing others in attendance.

3CPO

There is nothing more embarrassing than arriving “fashionably late” and having to move through a crowd when you walk like Star War’s 3CPO!

I have canes and leg braces and the foot-skill grace of Frankenstein.

I’ve stepped on more toes than a corporate muckety-muck.

When you arrive late, all the seats along the aisle are taken, so you must trudge to the middle of the row.  Problem is, my MS-induced forward stoop means, while moving down the aisle, all those already seated enjoy my big ass in their face.  While those who are polite enough to stand get a quick pelvic brush as I move past them.  ( I think I’ve given more “lap dances” than a stripper at Zanadu Gentlemen’s Club!)

Time is ticking.

Thus, my “gotta go mode” gets me there early enough to avoid all the fun and embarrassment of finding a seat.

It’s that simple.

Gotta go gotta go gotta go right now.  Sure it may be known as the funny song describing an overactive bladder—but with my multiple sclerosis, it means something completely different.

Gracing the news recently was the story of American Airlines charging eight dollars for use of a blanket during flights.

The story itself wasn’t shocking, I think all of us are aware of the incidental fees being charged by air carriers.

Take for instance, checked baggage.  Most airlines allow you one checked bag per person.  Although some, like Delta and Continental , will ask you to

shell out an additional 25 smackers.  Almost all airlines charge 25 to 30 dollars for a 2nd checked bag (Excuse me ticket-agent, that’s nota bag–that’s my mother-in-law!) as well as oversized/overweight bags, traveling with a pet or an unaccompanied minor.

Want a preferred seat?  That extra legroom could cost you an additional 5 to 30 dollars.  United Airlines charges anywhere from 14 dollars up to 109 dollars for a “preferred” seat.  I want to know what an extra 109 dollars will get me?  I better be sitting in the cockpit or on the lap of a buxom flight attendant for that much dough!

Office of Consumer Research

Well, in honor of American Airlines $8 blanket fee (that includes an inflatable neck pillow by the way), the My Odd Sock Consumer Research Department (me) has uncovered numerous other flying amenities that could cost you next time you fly…….

Carry- On bag                            $5

Seat belt                                      $3

Flotation device                      $1

Use of Tray table                     $1

Eating nutritious airline meal with a “spork”                            We Pay You

Beverage/Snack                       $1-$8

Identifying everything in snackbag                   $2

Farting afterward                                                        $1

Sitting within earshot of screaming baby         $3

Mumbling intercom message from Captain      $4

Robotic, mind-numbing goodbye from crew as you depart the plane      $3

In-flight magazine with pages sticking together     $1

Being able to fit anything in the overhead compartment               $3

Flight attendant with bleached-out, plastic hair                      Free

Landing in the Hudson River                             $15

Window seat enabling you to see duct-tape used on plane’s engine         $5

Window seat on the side where you can actually see what landmark the Captain points out                $10

Seated next to a celebrity                    $25

YOUR celebrity seating…..the middle seat between two contestants from NBC’s “The Biggest Loser”                      $6

So there you have it.  Beware of some of these “extras” being added to the cost of your flight.  It’s only a matter of time before airlines begin charging for restrooms, even the recycled air that spews germs from the vent above your head.

One can tell this crusty guy is excited to travel again soon!

Thank you for flying with My Odd Sock.

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During the month of February, My Odd Sock salutes Black History Month.                              

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My wife despises the cheap, heart-shaped boxes of candy with the plastic flowers on the lid.  So, our first Valentine’s Day as a dating couple, I gave her a box.  But I removed the chocolates and replaced them with carrots.

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A friend worked as a cashier in a drug store.  She said around 6pm on Valentine’s Day all the guys coming home from work would stop and buy one of those cheesy boxes of candy—–and a pack of condoms.

Funny stuff!

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Lovable Quotes

“It is a beautiful necessity of our nature to love something.”

-Douglas Jerrold

“There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.”

-George Sand

“Love stinks.  Yeah.  Yeah.”

-J. Geils

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A Refrigerator Magnet…

Happy Hearts Day! 

Naahh!

“Can you believe he goes out in public like that.”

“He use to be a runner, now look at him.”

“First, a cane.  Now a chair.  He has gone downhill fast.”

Have you heard comments like these?

I have.  Fortunately, I’ve only heard them in my own head.

That’s right.  With a head the size of a dirigible, one is very capable of having insensitive thoughts.

But that’s the thing I’ve realized about my 13 year slow-dance with multiple sclerosis….the embarrassment is in my head only.

A fig-newton of my imagination!

You must realize family and friends aren’t embarrassed by your condition–only concerned.  And once you face your own MonSter, the feeling is actually quite calming!

For me personally, using my cane, leg brace or wheelchair while on vacation was easy.  Always has been because no one knew me….

I was just another dude who looked like “Robocop.”

But within my own community, around town, around school–that’s when I choked up like when asking a girl on a date (First time I did this I was told she didn’t know my name!).

Publicly, it took me quite a while to get over the “hump” of embarrassment my MS would cause.  To this day, I still have some difficulty, but it IS getting easier!

Are you having issues with your own MS embarrassment?  Take a bit of advice from an odd sock–don’t let it drag you to the gutter like a discarded pop can.  Face up and realize what you are facing is in your head and only your head.  No stranger gives a rat’s you-know-what because you use a wheelchair, rollator or crutches.  (Actually they loathe you because you get the up-close parking!)

So put your boots on and get out there.  Hold your head high (especially if you’re in a wheelchair–who wants to stare at crotches all day!).  And go get’em!

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With the antagonist’s response, here is Hecklephant, the guy dressed as an elephant, who many years ago heckled my entire stand-up show in Florida…

“Wah wah, boo hoo hoo—I thought this was supposed to be a humor site!  Where’s the funny business?  You still suck!

My Odd Sock is getting all wishy-washy.  We want punchlines, you dope!  We want big laughs.  If we want this mopey-crap, we’ll watch “Dr. Phil.”  Now get writing, loser!  Thank you.”