My Odd Sock

I hear ya.  You’re saying “Another MS post about bladder control?…We know the drill.  Take a pill would you!”

Alas, you are wrong!

This isn’t about the bladder or the enlarging prostate at all—it’s about my self-described “gotta go mode.”

(Though I must confess I’m intrigued by those commercials in how a pill will know to shrink my prostate only—I’m afraid it might shrink another vital organ in the neighborhood!)

Yes, my “gotta go mode”…..the urge to arrive early at heavily attended events such as concerts and sporting events.

Please understand with multiple sclerosis as my partner, things move slower.  I move slower.

It’s like being in a three-legged race……with a statue!

The ocean’s tide makes a faster entrance.

So by arriving early, I have ample time to make my way to a seat without disturbing others in attendance.

3CPO

There is nothing more embarrassing than arriving “fashionably late” and having to move through a crowd when you walk like Star War’s 3CPO!

I have canes and leg braces and the foot-skill grace of Frankenstein.

I’ve stepped on more toes than a corporate muckety-muck.

When you arrive late, all the seats along the aisle are taken, so you must trudge to the middle of the row.  Problem is, my MS-induced forward stoop means, while moving down the aisle, all those already seated enjoy my big ass in their face.  While those who are polite enough to stand get a quick pelvic brush as I move past them.  ( I think I’ve given more “lap dances” than a stripper at Zanadu Gentlemen’s Club!)

Time is ticking.

Thus, my “gotta go mode” gets me there early enough to avoid all the fun and embarrassment of finding a seat.

It’s that simple.

Gotta go gotta go gotta go right now.  Sure it may be known as the funny song describing an overactive bladder—but with my multiple sclerosis, it means something completely different.

Gracing the news recently was the story of American Airlines charging eight dollars for use of a blanket during flights.

The story itself wasn’t shocking, I think all of us are aware of the incidental fees being charged by air carriers.

Take for instance, checked baggage.  Most airlines allow you one checked bag per person.  Although some, like Delta and Continental , will ask you to

shell out an additional 25 smackers.  Almost all airlines charge 25 to 30 dollars for a 2nd checked bag (Excuse me ticket-agent, that’s nota bag–that’s my mother-in-law!) as well as oversized/overweight bags, traveling with a pet or an unaccompanied minor.

Want a preferred seat?  That extra legroom could cost you an additional 5 to 30 dollars.  United Airlines charges anywhere from 14 dollars up to 109 dollars for a “preferred” seat.  I want to know what an extra 109 dollars will get me?  I better be sitting in the cockpit or on the lap of a buxom flight attendant for that much dough!

Office of Consumer Research

Well, in honor of American Airlines $8 blanket fee (that includes an inflatable neck pillow by the way), the My Odd Sock Consumer Research Department (me) has uncovered numerous other flying amenities that could cost you next time you fly…….

Carry- On bag                            $5

Seat belt                                      $3

Flotation device                      $1

Use of Tray table                     $1

Eating nutritious airline meal with a “spork”                            We Pay You

Beverage/Snack                       $1-$8

Identifying everything in snackbag                   $2

Farting afterward                                                        $1

Sitting within earshot of screaming baby         $3

Mumbling intercom message from Captain      $4

Robotic, mind-numbing goodbye from crew as you depart the plane      $3

In-flight magazine with pages sticking together     $1

Being able to fit anything in the overhead compartment               $3

Flight attendant with bleached-out, plastic hair                      Free

Landing in the Hudson River                             $15

Window seat enabling you to see duct-tape used on plane’s engine         $5

Window seat on the side where you can actually see what landmark the Captain points out                $10

Seated next to a celebrity                    $25

YOUR celebrity seating…..the middle seat between two contestants from NBC’s “The Biggest Loser”                      $6

So there you have it.  Beware of some of these “extras” being added to the cost of your flight.  It’s only a matter of time before airlines begin charging for restrooms, even the recycled air that spews germs from the vent above your head.

One can tell this crusty guy is excited to travel again soon!

Thank you for flying with My Odd Sock.

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During the month of February, My Odd Sock salutes Black History Month.                              

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My wife despises the cheap, heart-shaped boxes of candy with the plastic flowers on the lid.  So, our first Valentine’s Day as a dating couple, I gave her a box.  But I removed the chocolates and replaced them with carrots.

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A friend worked as a cashier in a drug store.  She said around 6pm on Valentine’s Day all the guys coming home from work would stop and buy one of those cheesy boxes of candy—–and a pack of condoms.

Funny stuff!

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Lovable Quotes

“It is a beautiful necessity of our nature to love something.”

-Douglas Jerrold

“There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.”

-George Sand

“Love stinks.  Yeah.  Yeah.”

-J. Geils

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A Refrigerator Magnet…

Happy Hearts Day! 

Naahh!

“Can you believe he goes out in public like that.”

“He use to be a runner, now look at him.”

“First, a cane.  Now a chair.  He has gone downhill fast.”

Have you heard comments like these?

I have.  Fortunately, I’ve only heard them in my own head.

That’s right.  With a head the size of a dirigible, one is very capable of having insensitive thoughts.

But that’s the thing I’ve realized about my 13 year slow-dance with multiple sclerosis….the embarrassment is in my head only.

A fig-newton of my imagination!

You must realize family and friends aren’t embarrassed by your condition–only concerned.  And once you face your own MonSter, the feeling is actually quite calming!

For me personally, using my cane, leg brace or wheelchair while on vacation was easy.  Always has been because no one knew me….

I was just another dude who looked like “Robocop.”

But within my own community, around town, around school–that’s when I choked up like when asking a girl on a date (First time I did this I was told she didn’t know my name!).

Publicly, it took me quite a while to get over the “hump” of embarrassment my MS would cause.  To this day, I still have some difficulty, but it IS getting easier!

Are you having issues with your own MS embarrassment?  Take a bit of advice from an odd sock–don’t let it drag you to the gutter like a discarded pop can.  Face up and realize what you are facing is in your head and only your head.  No stranger gives a rat’s you-know-what because you use a wheelchair, rollator or crutches.  (Actually they loathe you because you get the up-close parking!)

So put your boots on and get out there.  Hold your head high (especially if you’re in a wheelchair–who wants to stare at crotches all day!).  And go get’em!

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With the antagonist’s response, here is Hecklephant, the guy dressed as an elephant, who many years ago heckled my entire stand-up show in Florida…

“Wah wah, boo hoo hoo—I thought this was supposed to be a humor site!  Where’s the funny business?  You still suck!

My Odd Sock is getting all wishy-washy.  We want punchlines, you dope!  We want big laughs.  If we want this mopey-crap, we’ll watch “Dr. Phil.”  Now get writing, loser!  Thank you.”

When you have multiple sclerosis everything takes longer.  Longer to get dressed.  Longer to go to the bathroom.  Heck, I can’t change my mind without a delay in my function-junction!

So when you put me “on-the-clock,” it’s like telling someone with Parkinson’s not to spill.

A good example took place this past weekend.  I thought the tires of my car could use some air so I went to my neighborhood gas station.

There before me…stood my challenge……

Wholesome air.  Clean, tube-inflating air.  Two minutes worth for a mere fifty cents.

First of all, how do you put a price….on air?  What a rip.  I swear I’m gonna put a vending machine in Wal-Mart that says “Two Minutes of Gravity….50 cents.”

I can just see it.  In big letters I’ll have written…”Keep your feet planted firmly on the ground!”  “Made from Issac Newton’s original recipe!”  And I’ll have a picture of an astronaut saying “Gravity is an important part of your productive day, I oughta know.”

Just how many quarters do you think I could amass?

Two minute of air to fill four tires.  No problem right?  Maybe for you.  But for me these two minutes will seem like a NASCAR pit stop.

First, I circled my car and removed the valve stem cover from each tire.  (My first stroke of genius since elementary school.)

Then, I crammed my 50 cents into the machine and was off like a gazelle……with polio, or MS in my case.

The first tire…..done.

Second tire…..done.

Now to the other side.

Third tire…..done.

On to the last tire.  My heart was swelling with pride as I had plenty of my two minutes remaining.  I wanted to “high-five” everyone around!

I squatted like a catcher to fill my final Goodyear Radial.  Struggling to get the air hose on the stem, I lost my balance and rolled backwards onto my butt and continued rolling onto my back.

I was now pinned by a curb on my right side and my car on my left.  I was like a turtle on its back!

I'm a turtle on its back.

All the while—my “two minutes” were counting down.

(Does anyone else have the “Mission Impossible” theme running in their head?)

I fought my way to my feet only to “Tumblelina” onto my back once again.  Finally, with the grit & determination of “Ten Grinches plus Two”, I reclaimed my squat, put the hose to my stem………..And the compressor shut off.

(Bleep Bleep Bleepity Bleep-Bleep)

Now I had to spend another 50 cents for what amounted to be five seconds of air!  That really irked me.  I finished filling my tire and then stood there defiantly squeezing the hose, letting the air escape into the atmosphere.

I wasn’t going to let “the man” take my 50 cents without getting my fair share.

Do you remember that breeze of fresh air you felt last Saturday morning?  That was me.  You can thank me another time.

Huddle Up!

This weekend is the crown jewel of American sporting events!  The Tiffany competition between the two finest teams who have victoriously survived a long, grueling season of weekly battles.

You know what game I am referring to.  I don’t even need to tell you.  And if I did say, I could be arrested, be imposed heavy fines, even face imprisonment.  All because I would be breaking the National Football League’s copyright infringement policies.

Not familiar with the terms?  Here are a few words & phrases you cannot legally say or print:

“Super Bowl”

“Super Sunday”

The Super Bowl Logo

“NFL”, “AFC”, or “NFC”

Any team name (e.g., “Steelers” or “Cowboys”)

Therefore, My Odd Sock will take no chances when it comes to writing about this Sunday’s professional football championship game between the team of young filly’s from the city hosting an annual 500 mile auto race every May…versus…the exceptionally virtuous team, officially recognized and venerated for having attained heaven after an exceptionally holy life from the town practically wiped out under the oppressive power of Hurricane Katrina.

Cripes, it’s just easier to say the “Colts vs, the Saints.”  (So I’ll be some one’s “prison bitch” for the next 3 to 5.)

Sorry to spill the dip, Dip!

Are YOU hosting a big game party?

Easy with the party trays Martha Stewart–you may be in violation yourself!

Did you know it is unlawful to TiVo the big game?  It’s true.  But why would you anyway—the commercials are often the best part of the broadcast!

How many people have you invited to your shin-dig?  It is also against the NFL’s regulations if you are showing the game to “too many” people.  Funny, the esteamed league office doesn’t specify the number they feel is “too many.”

Nice console Ward Cleaver!

Finally, did you know you may be breaking the law if you are watching the game on a screen larger than 55 inches?

That’s another strange-but-true factoid.

Is all of this ridiculous?  Of course it is.  But without all of this, it wouldn’t be the United States’ legal system, right?

Whatever your plans, just enjoy the weekend and let’s look forward to a good game, The Who’s halftime show and some funny commercials!

“So, Bubba, you want the top bunk or the bottom bunk?”