My Odd Sock

It is like plunging the toilet.  Sometimes you just gotta do it.

And what better way to begin 2012 than with a clean slate….and an empty head!

So, I would like to drain the brain of some lingering nonsense from the previous year.

Shall we?

Let’s begin….

Work This 

 First, let me say I LOVE the creative process behind music, movies and television.  Therefore, I despise the sheer laziness of any “remakes”, and ABC’s sitcom “Work It” is just that.

“Work It” is a bold face rip-off of the 80’s sitcom “Bosom Buddies” which starred Tom Hanks & Peter Scolari.

The premise of “Work It” involves two unemployed guys who dress as women to work as pharmaceutical sales reps in an all-female workplace.  (Why is it, 90% of all drug reps & radio account executives are female?  Just curious.)  (Plus, what gives with an “all-female workplace?”  Isn’t that illegal?)

I have never watched “Work It” and I don’t intend to based on principle.  If you haven’t seen it, you better catch it fast because I guarantee “Work It” won’t be around for second shift!

Let’s move on…

Social Butterfly

Do you feel smothered by all the dating commercials on TV lately?

I saw an eHarmony commercial where the guy & girl were having drinks during their first meeting.

She says something like…”I read that people with smartphones have more sex.”  He replies..”I have a Droid.”

They snicker and he says..”Uncomfortable.”

Uncomfortable?…I say Cha-Ching!

Wow, that’s interesting chat for the first date!  I wasn’t sure if this was a commercial for eHarmony…or “Skoreit!”

I’m yelling at the TV…Hey, what about those of us with a “Jitterbug?”

Then you have the ”Who’s looking for you” commercials for Mylife.com

The young girl giggles and says…”Seven people are looking for me?”

What they don’t tell you is two of them are bill collectors, two are identity thieves and three are serial rapists!

Seriously, Mylife.com is being sued as folks claim they were told “someone is looking for you,” then charged them for a list of fake names!

Who is looking for me?  I don’t want to know!

What’s next…

Do The Math

Mr. Clean...with Fabreze no less!

I was cleaning the bathroom using this bottle of “Mr. Clean with Fabreze.”

I admired the clean, fresh scent and the sparkling shine it left behind.

Then I noticed the sticker at the top of the bottle…

Get me the calculator!

What?  One 8Ooz bottle equals two 4Ooz bottles?  Since when?

Mr. Clean, do you take me for a fool?

Maybe your hair fell out because you smell chemicals all day, but most of us know “One 8Ooz bottle equals two 4Ooz bottles!”

Hey Mr Clean…Breaking news…one dollar equals four quarters!  One foot-long sub equals two six-inch Subway subs!

That explains why you are known as “Mr. Clean” and not “Mr. Math!

So much for “Brain Drain #15.”

Anything you need to get off your chest?  Spill your guts in a comment.  You’ll feel better beginning 2012 with a clearer mind.

Big bucket of "fear."

When you receive a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis–fear becomes a big part of the equation.

Fear of the unknown.  Fear of the future.

Will I be able to walk?  Will I be in a wheelchair?

But as time goes by, your fear subsides.  It doesn’t go away…it just lurks in the background, only to surface now and again when you have a weak, emotional moment.

Some 15 years after my dx, I realize my early fears have come true!  I can’t run.  I walk like Otis from “The Andy Griffith Show.”  I use a cane.  And a wheelchair.

With what appears to be nothing left to fear, I quickly recognize my greatest fear of all…..(No, not that Newty Gingrich wants to be president)…because of me, are my kids prone to get MS?

All of the literature says multiple sclerosis isn’t passed on by genetics.  Yet, the first question any doctor will ask is “Does anyone else in your family have MS?”

Holy crap!  What gives?

I would be devastated–absolutely crushed–mortified if my kids got MS because of my swell DNA.

And now I find myself closely watching them to notice any signs–any MS signal flares, that I experienced when I was their age.

My Odd Swami Sock

It’s crazy, I know.

As a parent, I want the ability to look into a crystal ball (or a snow globe as pictured) to see into the future for their welfare.

Then again, even if I could see into the future, there is nothing one could do to change it.

I suppose my “greatest fear” is nothing different than what any parent, who has been dx’d with a disease, worries about on their children’s behalf.

Let me ask you—Do you wonder about passing MS to your kids?

Have you found yourself looking for signs in their behavior that reminds you of MS?

It is my “greatest fear” after all these years.  Maybe yours too.

Throughout our great nation, citizens revolt.  Demonstrations reign.  Anger is vented by loud shouts of unfairness & inequality.

The majority (99%ers) versus the minority (1%ers) in a economic battle of David and Goliath.

I did not fully understand the deep meaning of these public outcrys.  Until just the other day when the vision of their dismay became clear.

I felt their pain.  My stomach churned.  My heart raced inside my chest.  I could feel the sweat on my back and wiped the dampness from my brow.

I squeezed the steering wheel even harder, hoping it would take my mind away from the obvious.

I was driving on a country road far from the demonstrations of people expressing their discontent.  Yet, the pain in my gut drew me close.

That’s when I saw it…..

The crescent moon of relief.

A Porta-Palace!

It was a vision of beauty.  And like the demonstrators, nothing could stop me now!

Not police in riot gear.  Not tear gas.  Not pepper spray.  Nor rubber bullets.

I was about to conduct my own demonstrative movement when I reached for the handle….

Aaaah, dammit!

Why couldn’t the state afford TWO Porta-Pots at this location!

Clearly, this is a battle between the “Haves” and the “Haves-To-Go!”

Hold it in, Gimpy!

(From the Beastie Boys song)…I have a right….to poooooooootty!

One percent or ninety-nine—I’ll give any percent for the person to clear outta this john, right now!

My Odd Sock is next!

Finally it was my turn.

And as I locked the door handle to reveal the “occupied” sign–the meaning of the demonstrations became clear…..Always travel with your own toilet paper, because the last person in here used it all up!  &%$#@!!

Sometimes, having multiple sclerosis can lead to some awkward social situations.

And attending a recent party was no exception.

The setting was a lot of people, loud music, in a small space—typically, the perfect scene for your average social animal.  But add MS into the mix and you get the hijinks of a bad episode of “Three’s Company.”

Disclaimer:

Let me begin by saying the party hosts were MORE than accomodating to my situation.

They frequently asked if I needed anything– it was my own bull-headed refusal of special treatment that forced the issue.

We now return to My Odd Sock, already in progress…

When you have MS, and you can’t sit—you lean.  Leaning against a counter, a table, a door frame or a bosomy party-goer gives you the extra support you need.

"Prop me up before you go-go"

Leaning against a wall worked well for me for a while.  But because wall space was a limited commodity, I found a door to lean on.  Trouble with this was obvious–doors open.  So I found myself in the way of the opening door.

In fact, wherever I stood it seemed I was in the way.  Standing by the food–by the drinks–by the trash–by the bathroom, getting around me seemed as difficult as passing a semi-truck on a two-lane road.

Of course, having a “three-point stance” (Cane & two fumble feet) wider than that of an offensive tackle—it’s difficult NOT to be in the way!

Is that a chair or My Odd Sock at a party?

I had to move around a little bit for two reasons.

One, to keep my stiff legs from becoming stiffer like volcanized steel.

And two–if I didn’t move, people would start hanging their coats on me!

Finally, I noticed some open counter space, so I made my move to lean there.

That’s when I met my friend.

We introduced ourselves and exchanged the usual idol chit-chat.

“So, what do you do?” he asked.

It is a question I still grapple with, but I answered anyway…”I’m on disability.”

“For what?” he asked.

“I have MS.”

(Trombone sound effect)…Waah Waaaaaaaaah.

(Robot voice)…”C-O-N-V-E-R-S-A-T-I-O-N   K-I-L-L-J-O-Y”

Just call me “Little Dougie Downer” because at that moment the air in the room was sucked out with the woosh of a Hoover!

My friend could only muster a weak “Oh……..that’s bad” before quickly fleeing to find more uplifting conversation with another guest.

Yes, the party scene can be awkward, but it’s a neccessary part of our acceptance of the disease.  We must learn to get on with our normal, everyday lives and make the best of every situation that falls in our laps.

We, as MSers, are a tough breed.  We’ve dealt with a lot.  And we can handle the extra-helping of chaos that life sometimes serves up.

Party on, Wayne.

Party on, Garth.

This time of year, it seems we find ourselves up to our nanny parts with “top ten, year in review” type junk.

And here at My Odd Sock (because I am as lame as all the rest), we offer all the same!

This “Not So Top Ten” list includes the best of the worst My Odd Sock’s from the past year.  What makes them “top ten?”  Nothing really.  Just old posts I found interesting–and maybe you will too!

To read (and gag) a particular My Odd Sock, just visit the box on the bottom right and open the month of the post you want.

So, in no particular order are the My Odd Sock “Not So Top Ten For 2011.”

MS, one cool disease

1.  “Q&A With MS”  April 2011.  My Odd Sock interviews the one & only MS.  You’ll see this disease in a whole new light in this ridiculous profile.

2.  “Tupperware Mating Season”  March 2011.  Ever wonder where all those plastic bowls under your cabinet come from?  Odd Sock uncovers the truth in this Discovery Channel-type documentary.

3.  “Roll Model”  August 2011.  In this post we discussed who we really look up to.  Who is your MS role model?  You may be surprised!

Texting made easy!

4.  “MS Texting Shortcuts”  September 2011.  Here you learned a few texting shortcuts specifically created for those with MS.

OMG it’s good!

5.  “My Odd Sock Christmas Wish List”  December 2011.  About as funny as a poop cramp.  See what should have been on your Christmas list this year.

Nice outline! You got no fingers.

6.  “MSurvivalist”  February 2011.  My Odd Sock nearly dies of exposure in this chilling account about a trip to the mailbox.

7.  “My Ride At The Amusement Park”  June 2011.  It’s all fun & games till you can’t walk after a ride on a roller coaster!  Buckle in for safety as you are in for a ride.

8.  “Why Me?”  March 2011.  Have you ever pondered why you ended up with multiple sclerosis?  My Odd Sock tries to make sense of it all in this serious (yeah, really) write-up.

9.  “Naming Your MS Blog”  August 2011.  Starting your own blog is as simple as choosing an available domain name.  Here are a few suggestions from this summer post.

My Odd Sock mail call!

10.  “Opportunity Of A Lifetime”  April 2011.  Doors are opening for MOS with the ultimate dream job.  Join me as opportunity knocks…for a limited time!

That’s the wraps for the “Not So Top Ten for 2011.”

It has been a tremendous year here at My Odd Sock (Not really).

Thank you for reading this epitome of bad grammar and copyright infringement.

Therefore, if you haven’t lapsed into a coma by now—we’ll see you in 2012.

Happy New Year!

 Due to shear laziness, here is a old My Odd Sock to bide your time. 

Enjoy!

In previous posts, I’ve made it clear that having multiple sclerosis makes even the simplest tasks most challenging.

That’s one reason why I’m given the ‘two minute warning” before my family is about to leave.  The early warning gives me an extra couple of minutes to get my mojo in motion.  Why?…because species evolve faster than I move!

So today I would like to tell you about another of those simple challenges, and that is….clipping my toenails.

For you, a trim of the toenails is a quick couple of snips and you’re done.  But for me, and those with MS, “cuttin the claws” can be a huge undertaking!  (Maybe that’s one reason I let them grow till they “clickety-clack” on the hardwood floor.)

The Tools

It’s been said ” a craftsman is only as good as his tools.”  Whereas you may be able to use those cute little fingernail clippers—they’re just way too fiddly for my fumble-some fingers.

The muther of clippers.

That’s why I use the biggest, baddest mondo clippers on the market.  The Ringling Brothers use these baby’s to trim the nails of the pachyderms!

And I love’em because these clippers “catch” the flying nail shrapnel.  You see, my toenails are thick like a heavy slice of onion and as hard as an oyster shell.  Why I’ve seen my flying toenail bits impale themselves into oak cabinetry—like podiatry Ninja throwing stars!

So if you are having trouble with this portion of personal hygiene, I suggest getting a pair of these gems.  They are heaven!

The Process

I generally do my pedicure work in one central construction zone.

My area of choice is sitting on the edge of the bathtub, bending forward at the waist to clip my nails.

The ergonomic problem with this is balancing my middle age ass, Olga Corbett style, along the four-inch balance-beam rim that is, the side of my tub.  Of course, my exaggerated leaning forward body posture produces a self-induced Heimlich maneuver as my thighs compress my gut.  I’ll snip between “urps!”

When you add it up… MS’s lack of balance, weakened, fumble-fingers, fatigue, yada-yada-yada…you can see the simple things in life are a bit more challenging.  Our job is to use our noggins to figure out the best way to persevere.

And we do…..two gnarly feet at a time.