Let’s face it, today’s Circle of Life includes a foundation based on 2-year service agreements and 1-time activation fees.

Of course I’m talking about cell phones.  And the handy-dandy texting feature!

Cell phones I can deal with–it’s the texting that binds my boxers.  And I’ll tell you why….

Swishes, rings, clangs, buzzes…my family room is awash in a tsunami of sound (My head pounds like a manager of Radio Shack) to the incoming barrage of text messages.

Not a word is spoken.  You just hear a faint clicking as fingers fly across keyboards not much larger than a postage stamp.

Conversation is nil.  We’re like monks who have taken a vow of silence.

That’s when I realize we’ve become a society hellbent on communicating—by NOT communicating!

It’s been said “writing” is a lost life skill?  I’ll take it a step further and add “talking” to that list.

That was made apparent to me recently as I had dinner with a college buddy I hadn’t seen in 20 years.

He had his cell phone sitting on the table like it was a part of the place setting.

My every question to him would be interrupted by an incoming cell phone text which he would pounce upon with rattlesnake-like reflexes!

Me-      “So, tell me about your job at the hospital?”

Him-    “Oh, it’s so cool!  I get to….(Buzz)(Typing…click, click, click, click)

Me-     “What does Jamie want to do after high school?”

Him-    “Well, she has been volun…(Buzz)(Typing…click, click, click, click)

I thought maybe I could get a more complete answer if I would text my questions…

Me-     (Texting)….”dd u wtch lympcs?”

(I’ve learned you don’t need many vowels when you text.  In fact, we should just eliminate most vowels from the alphabet all together!)

My friend was excited to tell me his cell phone could work underwater.  Oh perfect. because at that point I was ready to stick it in my water glass!

His comment reminded me of what a salesman once said to me when buying a watch.  He said, “This watch is pressurized to work at an underwater depth of 50 meters.”  My only response was that if I suddenly found myself 50 meters underwater—I don’t think knowing the time would be my first priority!

Our dinner together ended graciously.  And I finally did get the answers to my questions.  So I suppose my internal strife was for naught.  I understand cell phones are here to stay.  And texting too.  I just need to “Settle down Pops”…..Lace up my Rockports (Yes, I do own a pair!)…And accept that fact…..At least, till the end of my 2-year service agreement.  LOL

So yes, if you guessed this was about exercise—you were correct.

I have enjoyed working out since I was a young teen.  Exercise has always played a big role in my life.  And now since my MS diagnosis many years ago, I realize exercise plays an even bigger role.

Phew! Me, taking a break between sets.

You see, through the years I’ve taken so many injectable meds I feel like a pin cushion at a Quilting Bee.  I’ve done IV steroids.  Swallowed a mountain of pills.  Endured a couple thousand bee stings.  But nothing…absolutely nothing… makes me feel better…than exercise!

Exercise eases my spasticity.  It improves my strength, balance & flexibility.  It helps me sleep.  And exercise lifts my spirit.

And it can do the same for you.  Guaranteed.

Odd Sock uses the Thighsizer. Yes, I have one!

Nope nope nope, I don’t want to hear your excuses.

          “I don’t have the time.”

Do you watch TV?  You can exercise during the commercials.  That adds up to a 16 minute workout per hour.

          “I don’t have the equipment.”

You don’t need fancy gear.  Plastic laundry jugs, even canned goods used as weights will give you the resistance you need.

          “I tire easily.”

Hey I know MS can KO your energy like a heavyweight boxer.  But you don’t have to work out like you’re on “The Biggest Loser.”  Just a little will do you wonders.  And exercise, even movement will bring you MORE energy!

Hitting the speed-bag for hand-eye coordination

Speaking of movement, the National MS Society has some inspiring words on their pamphlets.  It reads “MS stops people from moving.  We exist to make sure it doesn’t.”

You’ve heard the adage “Use it or lose it.”  Man, that line plays right into the sweet spot of multiple sclerosis. 

If you stay in that chair–MS will keep you there.

You gotta get up!  If you stand twice an hour….Try three times.  Then four.

Walk till the end of your driveway.  The next day go to your neighbor’s driveway….and the neighbor after that.

Reach one way, and the other.

Stretch. 

Move.

(Hey, sorry I’m not as cute as Denise Austin–but I mean the same!)

I struggle to lift the flippin bar!

No matter your condition, no matter your age–all of us can benefit from simple exercise.  Simple movement.  Pushing your body to just a little more than usual.

That’s all.

MS takes enough from us.  Don’t let it take everything.

Let me know how exercise fits into your MS regimen & your everyday life.

It’s time to get started…..You ready?  Let’s go.

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Editorial Bored rates this feature ”NF” or “Not funny.”

Helen Eleanor Saggybags, My Odd Sock Editor-In-Chef

My Odd Sock’s Editor-In-Chef (not chief–chef, as she also works as part-time lunchlady at Watson Elementary) Helen Eleanor Saggybags has ruled this piece not worthy of “humor” classification.  Thus, My Odd Sock has been placed on “punchline probation.”

Further disiplinary actions could be enforced if My Odd Sock’s humor content does not improve.

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Put your hands together for a My Odd Sock favorite…..Brain Drain!

For those of you new to My Odd Sock, Brain Drain is an opportunity to pull the plug on the offbeat thoughts bouncing around in this big, empty head of mine.  Let’s get this party started…..

Body Builder

First up is a new exercise gadget called the Shake Weight. 

The Shake Weight is a motorized dumbbell that moves back & forth like a piston, shifting the weight for a greater intensity in one’s workout.

I don’t have a problem with the Shake Weight as a product…it’s the commercial that leaves you feeling a bit “skeevy!”

The commercial I saw features a lady holding the Shake Weight very close to her chest, straight up & down.  And this thing is moving its groove.  It ah…let’s just say…something didn’t seem right about this picture. 

 I imagined some guy thinking he was in a video booth trying to feed quarters into his TV to keep the commercial going!

Apparently, Shake Weight also has a commercial featuring men using the product in just the same manner.  Drawing from my advertising background, I surmise Shake Weight is trying to gain “market-share” with those playing for the other team, so to speak.

Let’s move on…..

Dollars For Scholars

Because my oldest will soon be off to college, we have begun the exhaustive search for scholarship money.  I signed up with a free search website that uncovers scholarship opportunities and alerts me with the details.  So the other day I get an email stating “New Awards Are Waiting For You!”

And the offer was…….

“New Look Laser Tattoo Removal Scholarship (Amount: $1,000)”

Yes.

Uh hm.

Yup, I had the same stupid look on my face as you do right now!

Here are the details…..

“The New Look Laser Tattoo Removal Scholarship is available to students majoring in a field that has advanced the field of laser tattoo removal whether through research & development or clinical practice to qualify for this award.  An essay of 300-500 words must be submitted.”

Just imagine those essays!….

“My momma has an eagle tattoo but her back-fat makes it look all lumpy & junk.  She wanted to have it removed….”

“I have a ‘3′ tattoo for Dale Earnhardt, but he done died.  I’m wundering if I can have it….”

“I believe tattoos are temporary.  It’s nipple-rings that are forever!”

Moving along…

Dirty Laundry

In the clothes basket, I noticed the tag from a pair of Levi jeans.

My Levi jeans were…..made in EGYPT?

Egypt?  Isn’t Levi-Strauss a proud American company?

Great.  It’s 110 degrees outside and some poor Egyptian woman is sewing my denim!  I’ll think about her while I’m at the mall sucking down an Orange Julius!

Egypt…home to the great pyramids, one of the seven wonders of the world—-and Levi jeans!

Oh yeah, from Social Studies class, I remember the ancient drawings of Egyptian Pharaohs wearing dungarees!

In King Tut’s tomb, they found gold bullion….and a pair of 501’s!  Even King Tut hated button-fly jeans.  (Who came up with that genius concept anyway?)

That’s it.  I’m done.

Phew.  I feel better now.  I unloaded so much brain-baggage I think my forehead collapsed!…..No wait, that’s just a receding hairline.

And you’re going to inject it into my muscles?  And it’s going to ease my spasticity?

That’s crazy!

Crazy, but it’s true.  It’s Botox Therapy, or BT.  And I am living, breathing (needs a TicTac) proof!

I just completed my third treatment (each treatment lasts about 3 months) and I can’t wait for my Botox to kick in.

The therapy’s benefits are not usually noticed for a few days..up to a couple of weeks after the treatment.  But it does help to ease muscle tightness.

Over the years, I’ve tried numerous muscle relaxers in pill form and I still take one on a daily basis.  My biggest complaint is the “dosey-dopey” state many of those pills put me in.

(What?…He’s not naturally that “dosey-dopey?”)

Excuse me, you don’t graduate from college with a stellar 2.3 gpa being “dosey-dopey!”

I was given several Botox injections in my inner thighs & calves (my problem areas).  And the whole procedure was done in about an hour.

As a matter off fact, a hidden camera  captured this picture during my actual session.

Multiple Sclerosis affects everyone differently.  So whether your spasticity is in your legs, arms, neck or wherever, Botox Therapy may offer you some relief.

And check out the difference…….

Before Botox

After Botox

Just remember, My Odd Sock is an expert on nothing, just an idiot on everything.

Anyone care to hear some ZZ Top?…..”She’s got le-eggs!”

Please clear it up

Have you ever done something impulsively, thinking it was correct for all the right reasons, only to get grief later on?

I mean more than grief—I mean ridiculed—I mean vilified to the point where my two teenage sons said…”Dad, you must be gay.”

Let me explain.

I have been a long time subscriber to the magazine Sports Illustrated.  With its crisp writing and great pictures, SI is the absolute authority of sports!

But the issue of SI that I do not understand, is probably its most-popular–the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

Cover to cover, this mag is pictures of bikini-clad young models doing, doing…..doing what bikini-clad models do.  (First of all, not one of them can properly tie their top because it’s always loose, forcing them to cover themselves with their hands!)

For a number of years, I would receive my swimsuit issue, quickly glance at it, and pass it on to a co-worker the very next day.  What do I want this issue for, I reasoned.  Not one lousy sports story.  Nothing but bikini-clad models.

“Dad, you must be gay.”

So last year, Sports Illustrated subscribers could opt out of receiving the swimsuit issue and SI would extend your subscription one extra week.  Grrreeaat!  A win-win for me.  Or so I thought.  Not a win-win situation when you have two teenage sons looking forward to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue…and their “Pops” opted out of receiving one…..hence, “Dad, you must be gay.”

Therefore, let me make myself clear……I am NOT gay.

I am a married man.  Married for over 20 years.

Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt?  Sure, he’s a good-looking guy.  But he’s Brad Pitt.  

Nick Lachey

That’s Nick Lachey.  Yes, he’s a good-looking dude.

Would you stop it!  It’s just that I am comfortable enough to recognize a handsome guy when I see one.  That’s all.  Geez.

And another thing about the bikini-clad models…..could SI spring for a beach towel?  Why do these girls have to sit on the wet sand?

Last time I did that I found sand in body crevices I didn’t know I had!  How the hell does sand get there?

So as you can clearly see, this year I didn’t “opt” out.  And when I received my swimsuit issue, I scoured its contents—one lovely page at a time.

The models still can’t tie their damn tops.  And Sports Illustrated still hasn’t given the girls a beachtowel.  Fact is, the only change that occured was that Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue was delivered to my door.

I wondered why my mailman gave me a “thumbs-up.”

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During February, My Odd Sock salutes Black History Month.

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I hear ya.  You’re saying “Another MS post about bladder control?…We know the drill.  Take a pill would you!”

Alas, you are wrong!

This isn’t about the bladder or the enlarging prostate at all—it’s about my self-described “gotta go mode.”

(Though I must confess I’m intrigued by those commercials in how a pill will know to shrink my prostate only—I’m afraid it might shrink another vital organ in the neighborhood!)

Yes, my “gotta go mode”…..the urge to arrive early at heavily attended events such as concerts and sporting events.

Please understand with multiple sclerosis as my partner, things move slower.  I move slower.

It’s like being in a three-legged race……with a statue!

The ocean’s tide makes a faster entrance.

So by arriving early, I have ample time to make my way to a seat without disturbing others in attendance.

3CPO

There is nothing more embarrassing than arriving “fashionably late” and having to move through a crowd when you walk like Star War’s 3CPO!

I have canes and leg braces and the foot-skill grace of Frankenstein.

I’ve stepped on more toes than a corporate muckety-muck.

When you arrive late, all the seats along the aisle are taken, so you must trudge to the middle of the row.  Problem is, my MS-induced forward stoop means, while moving down the aisle, all those already seated enjoy my big ass in their face.  While those who are polite enough to stand get a quick pelvic brush as I move past them.  ( I think I’ve given more “lap dances” than a stripper at Zanadu Gentlemen’s Club!)

Time is ticking.

Thus, my “gotta go mode” gets me there early enough to avoid all the fun and embarrassment of finding a seat.

It’s that simple.

Gotta go gotta go gotta go right now.  Sure it may be known as the funny song describing an overactive bladder—but with my multiple sclerosis, it means something completely different.

Gracing the news recently was the story of American Airlines charging eight dollars for use of a blanket during flights.

The story itself wasn’t shocking, I think all of us are aware of the incidental fees being charged by air carriers.

Take for instance, checked baggage.  Most airlines allow you one checked bag per person.  Although some, like Delta and Continental , will ask you to

shell out an additional 25 smackers.  Almost all airlines charge 25 to 30 dollars for a 2nd checked bag (Excuse me ticket-agent, that’s nota bag–that’s my mother-in-law!) as well as oversized/overweight bags, traveling with a pet or an unaccompanied minor.

Want a preferred seat?  That extra legroom could cost you an additional 5 to 30 dollars.  United Airlines charges anywhere from 14 dollars up to 109 dollars for a “preferred” seat.  I want to know what an extra 109 dollars will get me?  I better be sitting in the cockpit or on the lap of a buxom flight attendant for that much dough!

Office of Consumer Research

Well, in honor of American Airlines $8 blanket fee (that includes an inflatable neck pillow by the way), the My Odd Sock Consumer Research Department (me) has uncovered numerous other flying amenities that could cost you next time you fly…….

Carry- On bag                            $5

Seat belt                                      $3

Flotation device                      $1

Use of Tray table                     $1

Eating nutritious airline meal with a “spork”                            We Pay You

Beverage/Snack                       $1-$8

Identifying everything in snackbag                   $2

Farting afterward                                                        $1

Sitting within earshot of screaming baby         $3

Mumbling intercom message from Captain      $4

Robotic, mind-numbing goodbye from crew as you depart the plane      $3

In-flight magazine with pages sticking together     $1

Being able to fit anything in the overhead compartment               $3

Flight attendant with bleached-out, plastic hair                      Free

Landing in the Hudson River                             $15

Window seat enabling you to see duct-tape used on plane’s engine         $5

Window seat on the side where you can actually see what landmark the Captain points out                $10

Seated next to a celebrity                    $25

YOUR celebrity seating…..the middle seat between two contestants from NBC’s “The Biggest Loser”                      $6

So there you have it.  Beware of some of these “extras” being added to the cost of your flight.  It’s only a matter of time before airlines begin charging for restrooms, even the recycled air that spews germs from the vent above your head.

One can tell this crusty guy is excited to travel again soon!

Thank you for flying with My Odd Sock.

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During the month of February, My Odd Sock salutes Black History Month.                              

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My wife despises the cheap, heart-shaped boxes of candy with the plastic flowers on the lid.  So, our first Valentine’s Day as a dating couple, I gave her a box.  But I removed the chocolates and replaced them with carrots.

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A friend worked as a cashier in a drug store.  She said around 6pm on Valentine’s Day all the guys coming home from work would stop and buy one of those cheesy boxes of candy—–and a pack of condoms.

Funny stuff!

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Lovable Quotes

“It is a beautiful necessity of our nature to love something.”

-Douglas Jerrold

“There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.”

-George Sand

“Love stinks.  Yeah.  Yeah.”

-J. Geils

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A Refrigerator Magnet…

Happy Hearts Day! 

Naahh!

“Can you believe he goes out in public like that.”

“He use to be a runner, now look at him.”

“First, a cane.  Now a chair.  He has gone downhill fast.”

Have you heard comments like these?

I have.  Fortunately, I’ve only heard them in my own head.

That’s right.  With a head the size of a dirigible, one is very capable of having insensitive thoughts.

But that’s the thing I’ve realized about my 13 year slow-dance with multiple sclerosis….the embarrassment is in my head only.

A fig-newton of my imagination!

You must realize family and friends aren’t embarrassed by your condition–only concerned.  And once you face your own MonSter, the feeling is actually quite calming!

For me personally, using my cane, leg brace or wheelchair while on vacation was easy.  Always has been because no one knew me….

I was just another dude who looked like “Robocop.”

But within my own community, around town, around school–that’s when I choked up like when asking a girl on a date (First time I did this I was told she didn’t know my name!).

Publicly, it took me quite a while to get over the “hump” of embarrassment my MS would cause.  To this day, I still have some difficulty, but it IS getting easier!

Are you having issues with your own MS embarrassment?  Take a bit of advice from an odd sock–don’t let it drag you to the gutter like a discarded pop can.  Face up and realize what you are facing is in your head and only your head.  No stranger gives a rat’s you-know-what because you use a wheelchair, rollator or crutches.  (Actually they loathe you because you get the up-close parking!)

So put your boots on and get out there.  Hold your head high (especially if you’re in a wheelchair–who wants to stare at crotches all day!).  And go get’em!

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With the antagonist’s response, here is Hecklephant, the guy dressed as an elephant, who many years ago heckled my entire stand-up show in Florida…

“Wah wah, boo hoo hoo—I thought this was supposed to be a humor site!  Where’s the funny business?  You still suck!

My Odd Sock is getting all wishy-washy.  We want punchlines, you dope!  We want big laughs.  If we want this mopey-crap, we’ll watch “Dr. Phil.”  Now get writing, loser!  Thank you.”