Sit back & listen

It’s time for a little listening fun!

Here is a parody commercial for a new product from the makers of Secret.

Written by My Odd Sock and produced by the incredible Tony Gialluca Productions, click on the title at the end of this sentence to hear an mp3 audio piece for Seacret Anti Perspirant

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This space is usually reserved for something funny, witty, compelling or as in this case….none of the above.

Sorry to disappoint, but I am about to watch Forrest Gump for the millionth time.  What a great movie!

I got no hands!

I took the plunge.

Like many of you with multiple sclerosis, I joined the rank & file and am now taking Ampyra (am-PEER-ah).

Ampyra is the hot, new MS drug on the market aimed at improving walking speed for those of us slipping lower on the evolutionary scale.

All together now, in your best Casey Kasem voice…..”And now a long distance dedication to a lowly foot-dragger in Ohio.”

Ampyra works by “fast-tracking” the conversation between your brain and your legs.  Kinda like the fast talking guy from the old FedEx TV commercials.

It has improved the walking speed in 30 to 35% of MSers who have tried it.  Granted that’s not a great success rate, but when I have to use a calendar instead of a stopwatch to measure my walking speed I’ll give it a whirl!  (You gotta figure Keith Richards has taken worse, right?)

Ampyra, like all medications, has some possible side effects, mainly kidney or bladder infections.  But I thought a couple of the most common side effects were amusing…..”weakness” and “problems with balance.”

Duh, problems with balance is my middle name!  My balance can’t get any worse.  I’m like the “Anti-Weeble!”

Also, how ironic, one of Ampyra’s inactive ingredients is “hydropropyl methylcellulose.”  That is the SAME name we kicked around for our youngest child!

Former Desenex foot model.

Seriously, the cool thing about Ampyra, according to my doc, is you’ll know if it works right away.  And if it doesn’t–well, stop taking it.  That was my biggest beef about MS’s “ABC” drugs, I just didn’t know what they were doing.

It’s only been a few days for me—too early to make a call yet.  But I’ll keep you posted.

Have you tried Ampyra?  I would love to hear what it did for you.

I’m not advocating anything.  Remember, My Odd Sock is an expert on nothing, just an idiot on everything.  Consult with your doctor to see if Ampyra is right for you.

And so it goes, putting one foot in front of the other.

Here’s hoping mine (and yours) move just a little bit faster!

I just received, quite possibly, the worst gift ever.

Now, don’t get me wrong and think I’m an ungrateful S.O.B.

Because I truly appreciate the thought of the gift giver.  And I showered that person with many gratuitous “Oh, you shouldn’t haves.”

But giving a gift card from Pier One Imports to a middle aged man is like giving pork to a Rabbi!

Yes, I am now the proud owner of a $50 dollar gift card from Pier One Imports!

I can hardly wait to begin my shopping spree!

Let me say up front, Pier One Imports is a fine retail establishment.  An upstanding corporate entity with a strong, solid foundation built upon……..wicker!

A Pier One gift card would be a terrific gift idea if I was say……a cabana boy.  Or a burnt out devotee of Jimmy Buffett.

But just how many melon-ballers does one need?

Last time I was in Pier One Imports, I lost my mind while browsing the macrame parrot aisle!

Now I have fifty dollars to spend.  I figure I could buy everything in the store and still have enough leftover for an ice cream cone.  Fifty bucks is probably more than the Gross National Product of the countries that produce that crap!

I’m wastin-away again in Bamboo-ville!

I should really keep an open mind and give my local Pier One Import store a visit.  I’m sure I’ll find something I just can’t live without.

Maybe a wicker casket?

Yes, they make them.

I think I’ll crawl inside because with this My Odd Sock I’m dying with sarcasm.

Happy shopping!

This is Maggie, a three-year old Cockapoo rescued from the shelter by my mother.

Weighing just 11 pounds, Maggie is little pooch who gives my Mom big attention.

Maggie is very social, rarely barks and only on occasion will do her business on the floor.  Otherwise, she is the perfect companion!

Hey wait, I thought this was about MS!  Where’s the MS connection?  If I want a dog story, I’ll watch “Animal Planet!”  Now get to the MS, you Lassie-lover!

Pardon me.  The MS.  Yes, of course.

My most visible MS condition…..is foot drop.  I’ve always thought it should be called “foot-drag,” because that is how I walk.  Step…drag.  Step…drag.  Step…drag.  (It’s pretty obvious when I’m in the vicinity of the beach or there is snow on the ground as I leave a distinctive trail!)

It was a usual overnight visit at my Mom’s house…dinner, hanging out, talking and watching TV.

I excused myself and went upstairs to bed around midnight.

Nature called several hours later (I’m a middle-aged man, my bladder is the size of a dixie cup).  I rolled out of bed and did my usual step-drag across the hall to the powder room.

The accused.

Half way there I dragged my right foot into a wet spot.  “Oops, Maggie?” I wondered.

I pulled my foot back and felt around with my hand.  Nothing.  I chalked it up to a weird MS sensation and continued my “step-drag” into the bathroom and then back to bed.

The hours that followed were a restless slumber of tossing, turning & flopping.

In the morning I arose, walked into the hallway and froze….shocked by what I saw before me.  The sight made the Sharon Tate murder scene look tame.

It was fecal carnage.

Brown streaks were sloppily smeared into the light colored carpeting like a Jackson Pollock painting.

All the way into the bathroom, and all the way back into my bedroom.

Upon further “CSI” investigation, I found a turd bit just inside the doorway of the adjacent bedroom.

Piecing together the crime scene, I speculate the events happened as follow…

 

“I stepped in the sh&%.  Upon feeling the wetness, I pulled my foot back and felt the carpeting with my hand.  I felt nothing because the doggie-dung had fastly cemented itself to my instep.  Then, because I must throw my right foot forward to step, I used “kung-poo power” to kick a turd into the next room.”

 

But it was a small bit.  Where might the rest of Maggie’s dung be?

You wouldn’t think?

I step-dragged back into my bedroom.

I took a deep breath to collect myself.  Throwing back the sheets, I thought only of the horse-head scene from “The Godfather.”

There, between my bedsheets was the remainder of Maggie’s product.

My God, it looked like a rohrshock test.  I’ve seen cleaner baby diapers.  The sleep number of this bed was definately number two!  How could this tiny, 11 pound Cockapoo inflict such “Cujo” like damage?

So it goes.  Life with MS adds character to everyday situations.  To be sure, it’s tale wagging fun!

It started with one.

For me, the first one was a stroke of genius!  What a novel idea….and a convenient way for me to accumulate and build a valuable cache of bonus-reward-perk-advantage points!

Then I got a second.  Then a third.  And a fourth.  Fifth.  Sixth. 

I’m up to a dozen now and still counting!

I’m talking about those little plastic shopping tags that retailers now beg me to dangle from my keychain.

My Odd Sock's ridiculous keyring

Do I need a tag from EVERY single store I frequent?

I have them from gas stations, grocery stores, sporting goods stores, card shops, auto parts stores, even a major university!

They each have catchy names like “savings passport,” “advantage card,” “bonus card,” and “plus shopper’s card.”

Some stores like to include the word “reward” within the name of their tag.  I have “speedy rewards,” “reward zone,” crown rewards,” and “auto zone rewards.”  (I’m still waiting for my “rewards” to arrive!)

I even have tags called “score card” and “wild card.”  (I keep those two together for crazy weekends…and no, they are NOT from a gentleman’s club.)

Shop & save moron!

My keyring consists of four keys, one of which I have no idea what it’s for…..and twelve shopping tags.

I swear these tags have multiplied like rabbits.  They outgrow the weeds in my flowerbeds!

I look like a shop-a-holic janitor.

I don’t know why I carry these things around, or use them…I’m still waiting for the advantageous rewards I’ve earned.

Honestly, the best perk of these tags on my keyring is having so many handy-dandy toothpicks at my fingertips!

Looks like Shark Week!

Fast-food burger stuck between your teeth?  No problem when you have an “advantage card!”

Maybe THAT’S my reward!

Shopping tags were a great marketing idea in the day.  But that sale was over long ago.

How do you deal with this daunting problem?

Shop well my friend.

Me. Not actual size.

Summer is here in all its glory.  And like you, I’m stuck inside, chomping at the bit to get out to enjoy summer’s splendor.  The Heatmeister’s “hot & humid” conditions make it impossible for those of us with multiple sclerosis to “doe-see-doe” outside the confines of our air conditioners.  (We can relate to the Bubble-boy in a way.)

I know I’m preaching to the choir here as much of the country has suffered with extreme temps this summer.

I can handle winter’s chill. but when the mercury is pushing the top of the thermometer, I begin to melt like Frosty the Snowman.

Let’s just say I move in sssllllooooww mmmoottiiiooonn.  (Not that I was breaking any land speed records before!)

That's how I feel!

My legs feel like they weight a ton.  I’m walking in a viscous world of wallpaper paste.

My feet lumber along as though I’m wearing a pair of the Mafia’s cement shoes.  I must be walking on a sidewalk made of rodent glue traps.  Godzilla trudged through Japanese cities with greater freedom of movement.

And my legs and feet aren’t the only extremities that dread summer’s “h & h.”

Gloves & wrist weights.

My hands go on an extended coffee break in the heat.

All 10 digits look at me with disgust and say “You want US to do WHAT?”

Good thing I’m not a surgeon as I struggle with a knife & fork.

I can’t even pick my nose with some semblance of dexterity!

My Odd Sock taking a break from the heat.

Sometimes the very best I can do is collapse in front of a register………and chill (Bad pun).

My only solution is venturing outside when the sun goes down.  Yeah, I’m like a gimpy wolfman (Hairy like one anyway).

Problem is, at night, when you move slower than a glacieral land mass, the skeeters pounce on you quicker than one of Michael Vick’s Rottweilers.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining as things could be worse.  I just wanted to let off a little steam (Sorry, I couldn’t resist) about how the heat affects my MS.

How do you cope with the summer’s “hot & bother?”

Wipe the sweat from your brow  and share your story with the rest of the class.

Otherwise, stay cool and enjoy every waking moment as it’s getting hot in here.

Good Morning!

It’s six in the evening and I’m already thinking about………breakfast.

Aren’t you?

I’m thinking about breakfast cereal in particular—I LOVE cereal!

The cereal aisle is my favorite place in the grocery store.  So many choices.  So many special offers.  So many characters I’ve grown to admire…Cap’N Crunch, Sugar Bear, Toucan Sam, the Trix Rabbit…..”Trix are for kids!”

That’s too bad cause I love Trix.  As a 46 year old adult, if I eat Trix will I be arrested by the cereal police?……”OK, just put it down.  Put-the-spoon-down.  And leave the prize at the bottom of the box!”

Magically delicious!

I like Lucky Charms too.  Not sure what’s so lucky about them.  I figure they’re so full of sugar, if you can eat a bowl without getting tooth decay—you’re lucky!

I play this game with my Lucky Charms.  The oatie bits are the bad guys and the sugary charms are the good guys.  I try to eat all the oatie bits first to eliminate all the “bad guys.”  That leaves me with a half bowl of sweet charms to devour all at once.  Yeah, my blood sugar must hit quadruple digits!  It’s like free-baseing with sucrose!

Cereal segregation.

Regular Rice Krispies are rather tasteless.

They make alot of noise, but give you little bang for your buck.  Kinda like our politicians.

Integrated cereal!

So I mix original Rice Krispies with Cocoa Krispies.

It gives me a perfect bowl of racial equality!  A harmonious blend of brown and white living together with a common goal of satisfying my hunger.  We all get along snapping & popping while bathing in two-percent.

Flakes are good.  Wheaties, Frosted Flakes, Raisin Bran.  But I have one quirk chowing on flakes—I let’em get good and soggy.  (Don’t let that get around, oh what the hell, My Odd Sock has already trashed what credibility I ever had!)

Cocoa Puffs?...........

.......Or, paintballs?

New Cocoa Puff shape?

Cocoa Puffs have a new shape. 

They almost look like a anatomically-correct Teddy Graham!

Alot of cereals are named after snacks….Cookie Crisp, Rice Krispie Treats, Ice Cream Cones, Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  What happened to the cereal?  They’ve skipped the main course and gone straight to dessert!

So goes my infactuation with breakfast.  I’ve just never found the same love connection with lunch or dinner.

Then again, I’m a morning person anyway.

You knew that–I was just making it clear to the Taliban readers of My Odd Sock.

The Fourth of July is the one day of the year we honor our forefathers by saving an extra 20% at Kohl’s, drinking beer and setting off explosive devices. 

Some honor.

My Odd Sock celebrates the Fourth.

But for those of us with multiple sclerosis, Independence Day means something more.

Is it a day MSers celebrate once a year?

Hell no!

Much like you, I embrace every day I can put my feet on the floor. 

I cheer each day I can brush my teeth, change my own underwear, look up and see the blue sky or feel the rain on my ever-expanding forehead.

I even put my hands together for being able to think and put pen to paper in composing this garbage known as My Odd Sock!

I’m not gloating–just thankful, because there are many out there who can’t do these simple things for themselves.

It’s about independence…..and how long you can keep it.

Me

I get cranky when someone tries to push me when I’m in my wheelchair.

“I got it, I can do it” I say.

Not meaning to be a jerk (my typical demeanor), I understand and am grateful for your courteous gesture–I’m just trying to stake my claim to independence.

It’s one thing to being 80 years old and being pushed in a wheelchair.

It’s a whole other animal to being a healthy looking 46 year old man spinning in a chair.

Hecklephant

WAH WAH WAH, suck it up you goof!

You’re right Hecklephant.  I’ll quit belly-aching.  Sorry.

(To find out who is Hecklephant, see the “cast” page at the top.)

Independence is being able to move and see and speak and care for oneself & others.  To love.  To feel.  To respond.  To breath.

I hope you had a terrific Fourth of July. 

May your independence last for a long long time.

Sit back & listen

Healthcare costs keep rising.  But you DO have a choice. 

Screaming Mercy Hospital allows you get the proper medical care you need–at a cost savings to fit your budget.

To hear the My Odd Sock mp3 :60 piece, just click on the title at the end of this sentence for Screaming Mercy Hospital

Screaming Mercy Hospital was written by My Odd Sock and produced by Tony Gialluca Productions.

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Favorite Comments of the week.

“I’m nervous to be getting breast enlargement.  Can anyone reccomend a cosmetic surgery doctor in the Phoenix area?”

                                           -Fernando

My Odd Sock says:  Yes, Fernando, I would be nervous too about getting breast enlargement surgery–especially if I was a dude!  Good luck.

“Exceedingly well written piece you have here.”

                                       -Attracting Women Tips

My Odd Sock says:  This comment included a link to a site called “Attracting Women Fast.”

Unfortunately, this comment was in response to my posting titled “This Dribble Is On Me” describing how MS has ruined my bladder control.  The story also detailed how I tinkled in my yard when I couldn’t make it into the house!  The first tip should be….Don’t wee in your pants!

“I hope you don’t mind, I linked your website to my website.”

                                               -Richardo

My Odd Sock says:  Thanks Richardo, I appreciate it…..I think.

(Richardo’s website is “Enlarge-Your-Manhood-The-Natural-Way.)

See what you think…..

           “Gardening With Gimps” 

Welcome to HGTV’s “Gardening With Gimps.”  I’m your host My Odd Sock

“Gardening With Gimps” host My Odd Sock

here to share a few landscaping stories on how I get things done around the outside of the My Odd Sock corporate headquarters.

We’re on the clock, so let’s get started….

Tools For Fools.

They say a craftsman is only as good as his tools.  Well, if that’s the case, I would be slightly lower on a scale of tool evolution than a caveman because I have a motley collection of crap tools.  Fisher-Price makes better stuff.

My Odd Sock corporate broom

Take for instance my garage broom.

My incredible shrinking broom.

Someone must have done one helluva lot of sweeping because all of a sudden the bristles of this broom were receding faster than my hairline.

My son suggested a “varmit” was eating the broom.  The jury is still out on what happened to my scalp!

Trimming, not Praying

My neighbor commented on how nice my yard looks.  He said “You are always crawling around, working on it.”

Those of you with multiple sclerosis understand how difficult it is to walk on grass….loss of balance, foot drop….heck, I’d rather get down and crawl to do my trimming.

When crawling, ALWAYS be on "turd alert"

I’ve even been known to sit on my mechanic’s creeper and roll my way down the driveway, gleefully trimming away.

(Is it any wonder my antics have lowered property values in my neighborhood?)

 I have been asked by many why I don’t use my weed wacker to trim.

Here again, unless I suddenly develop  the dexterity of a lemur in my feet—I don’t have enough hands!

The weed wacker takes BOTH hands  to operate.

I need another hand for my cane.

Maybe if I had an “ass-cane”, I could clench a balancing stick with my butt cheeks!

My Odd Sock "Butt-Balancer"

Now, it’s beginning to sound like a vaudeville act.  I just need a few spinning plates and I’ll soon be doing two shows nightly in the Catskills.

Water Me

The hose grips my feet like a python

Watering my flowers is a whole other episode of fun.  Combine me walking on grass…holding a cane…AND a cumbersome, water-spewing hose.  I get more wet than the plants!

I’ve seen guys wrangle a rattlesnake with greater ease!

Don't let it get you

Rattler or garden hose?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Add it all up and simple, gardening chores get a lot more challenging when you throw MS into the mix.

Let’s hope your “tending the crops” comes easier!

For HGTV’s “Gardening With Gimps” this has been My Odd Sock asking “…Is that smell ME or the compost pile?”