Sit back & listen

It’s time for a little listening fun!

Here is a parody commercial for a new product from the makers of Secret.

Written by My Odd Sock and produced by the incredible Tony Gialluca Productions, click on the title at the end of this sentence to hear an mp3 audio piece for Seacret Anti Perspirant

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This space is usually reserved for something funny, witty, compelling or as in this case….none of the above.

Sorry to disappoint, but I am about to watch Forrest Gump for the millionth time.  What a great movie!

I just received, quite possibly, the worst gift ever.

Now, don’t get me wrong and think I’m an ungrateful S.O.B.

Because I truly appreciate the thought of the gift giver.  And I showered that person with many gratuitous “Oh, you shouldn’t haves.”

But giving a gift card from Pier One Imports to a middle aged man is like giving pork to a Rabbi!

Yes, I am now the proud owner of a $50 dollar gift card from Pier One Imports!

I can hardly wait to begin my shopping spree!

Let me say up front, Pier One Imports is a fine retail establishment.  An upstanding corporate entity with a strong, solid foundation built upon……..wicker!

A Pier One gift card would be a terrific gift idea if I was say……a cabana boy.  Or a burnt out devotee of Jimmy Buffett.

But just how many melon-ballers does one need?

Last time I was in Pier One Imports, I lost my mind while browsing the macrame parrot aisle!

Now I have fifty dollars to spend.  I figure I could buy everything in the store and still have enough leftover for an ice cream cone.  Fifty bucks is probably more than the Gross National Product of the countries that produce that crap!

I’m wastin-away again in Bamboo-ville!

I should really keep an open mind and give my local Pier One Import store a visit.  I’m sure I’ll find something I just can’t live without.

Maybe a wicker casket?

Yes, they make them.

I think I’ll crawl inside because with this My Odd Sock I’m dying with sarcasm.

Happy shopping!

It started with one.

For me, the first one was a stroke of genius!  What a novel idea….and a convenient way for me to accumulate and build a valuable cache of bonus-reward-perk-advantage points!

Then I got a second.  Then a third.  And a fourth.  Fifth.  Sixth. 

I’m up to a dozen now and still counting!

I’m talking about those little plastic shopping tags that retailers now beg me to dangle from my keychain.

My Odd Sock's ridiculous keyring

Do I need a tag from EVERY single store I frequent?

I have them from gas stations, grocery stores, sporting goods stores, card shops, auto parts stores, even a major university!

They each have catchy names like “savings passport,” “advantage card,” “bonus card,” and “plus shopper’s card.”

Some stores like to include the word “reward” within the name of their tag.  I have “speedy rewards,” “reward zone,” crown rewards,” and “auto zone rewards.”  (I’m still waiting for my “rewards” to arrive!)

I even have tags called “score card” and “wild card.”  (I keep those two together for crazy weekends…and no, they are NOT from a gentleman’s club.)

Shop & save moron!

My keyring consists of four keys, one of which I have no idea what it’s for…..and twelve shopping tags.

I swear these tags have multiplied like rabbits.  They outgrow the weeds in my flowerbeds!

I look like a shop-a-holic janitor.

I don’t know why I carry these things around, or use them…I’m still waiting for the advantageous rewards I’ve earned.

Honestly, the best perk of these tags on my keyring is having so many handy-dandy toothpicks at my fingertips!

Looks like Shark Week!

Fast-food burger stuck between your teeth?  No problem when you have an “advantage card!”

Maybe THAT’S my reward!

Shopping tags were a great marketing idea in the day.  But that sale was over long ago.

How do you deal with this daunting problem?

Shop well my friend.

Good Morning!

It’s six in the evening and I’m already thinking about………breakfast.

Aren’t you?

I’m thinking about breakfast cereal in particular—I LOVE cereal!

The cereal aisle is my favorite place in the grocery store.  So many choices.  So many special offers.  So many characters I’ve grown to admire…Cap’N Crunch, Sugar Bear, Toucan Sam, the Trix Rabbit…..”Trix are for kids!”

That’s too bad cause I love Trix.  As a 46 year old adult, if I eat Trix will I be arrested by the cereal police?……”OK, just put it down.  Put-the-spoon-down.  And leave the prize at the bottom of the box!”

Magically delicious!

I like Lucky Charms too.  Not sure what’s so lucky about them.  I figure they’re so full of sugar, if you can eat a bowl without getting tooth decay—you’re lucky!

I play this game with my Lucky Charms.  The oatie bits are the bad guys and the sugary charms are the good guys.  I try to eat all the oatie bits first to eliminate all the “bad guys.”  That leaves me with a half bowl of sweet charms to devour all at once.  Yeah, my blood sugar must hit quadruple digits!  It’s like free-baseing with sucrose!

Cereal segregation.

Regular Rice Krispies are rather tasteless.

They make alot of noise, but give you little bang for your buck.  Kinda like our politicians.

Integrated cereal!

So I mix original Rice Krispies with Cocoa Krispies.

It gives me a perfect bowl of racial equality!  A harmonious blend of brown and white living together with a common goal of satisfying my hunger.  We all get along snapping & popping while bathing in two-percent.

Flakes are good.  Wheaties, Frosted Flakes, Raisin Bran.  But I have one quirk chowing on flakes—I let’em get good and soggy.  (Don’t let that get around, oh what the hell, My Odd Sock has already trashed what credibility I ever had!)

Cocoa Puffs?...........

.......Or, paintballs?

New Cocoa Puff shape?

Cocoa Puffs have a new shape. 

They almost look like a anatomically-correct Teddy Graham!

Alot of cereals are named after snacks….Cookie Crisp, Rice Krispie Treats, Ice Cream Cones, Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  What happened to the cereal?  They’ve skipped the main course and gone straight to dessert!

So goes my infactuation with breakfast.  I’ve just never found the same love connection with lunch or dinner.

Then again, I’m a morning person anyway.

And now, five years later in Peru, this goof-ball struck again by beating another young woman to death, supposedly because she looked at his laptop computer.

Imagine what he might do if you were his roommate and you ate his leftover pizza!

You, like most, are bored by the overworked, over-hyped, Nancy Grace-like publicity this guy has mustered.

Yet, here I sit fascinated by this dumb Dutchman.  Here’s why…

My Odd Sock vacationed in Aruba just a mere month before Natalee Holloway vanished.

In fact, I stayed in the very same hotel—the Holiday Inn of Aruba.  (Yes, I am a high-class traveler….”Kids, steal a couple little soaps from the maid’s cart as you walk past.”)

When the Holloway case first broke, I recognized many of of the background shots taken by reporters in and around the hotel.  Plus, one of the early suspects was a security guard from the hotel.  I recognized him on the news because he gave me the evil eye during my stay as I rolled thru the lobby in my wheelchair.

From day one I thought van der Sloot was guilty.

I wanted to personally beat him with wooden shoes.

(Do the Dutch wear wooden shoes?)

Joran claimed to have buried Natalee Holloway’s body.  I never believed that either.  For one, Aruba is a volcanic desert.  You can only dig a few inches before hitting petrified, volcanic lava.  And two, the Slootmeister was 17 at the time—what teen carries a pick-axe capable of cracking lava rock?

Aruba is a small island off the coast of Venezuela.  It’s only about 17 miles long and 7 miles wide, so you can drive around the entire place in about an hour.

The Aruba Holiday Inn sits on the southern side (facing Venezuela) and has a beach with a waveless, smooth-as-glass waterfront.  But on the other side of Aruba (facing the Atlantic Ocean), the waves are vicious, forcefully hitting the rocky shoreline causing sprays of water to go 30 feet in the air.

In my opinion, Slooty never buried Holloway’s body—he dumped her into the ocean on Aruba’s wild side where she quickly became shark chum.

This is a cheery story—ain’t it!  And timely too!  My Odd Sock has become a “CSI” for morons!  Maybe next time, I’ll offer my thoughts on Amelia Earhart.  Holy crap, I can hardly wait!

So there you have it….a long post to simply say I am glad Wunder-Sloot has been put behind bars—finally.  Unfortunately, it took another young woman’s life to make it happen.

What will helmet-head-hair Nancy Grace yak about now?

Who needs meditation?  Why see a therapist?  The best way to clear your mind is Brain Drain!

So lets throw all that cooked spaghetti on the wall and we’ll see what sticks!

Away we go……

Good Sportsmanship

NFL on Fox

I’m a huge fan of sports on TV, but I get a chuckle out of watching the pre-game shows.

In particular, I’m amazed at how many people the networks think are necessary to analyze/break-down/predict the game.

Ex-jocks, coaches, GM’s, beer vendors, parking lot attendants…there are so many dudes talking about the game , they can’t even fit them all into one shot on camera!

I believe during the NBA playoffs , they had five guys in studio.  But the best is NFL on Fox.  Fox uses as many as seven “experts” in their pre-game chats.

It’s football for crying out loud.

Why do we need SEVEN different perspectives on a game?

Seven?  There were less people at The Last Supper!

Let’s move on.

Pulitzer-Smulitzer

TMZ

They call it TV journalism.

Holy crap, I get more news reading Grit!

It’s the entertainment news show called TMZ.

TMZ’s premise is set in a loosely-veiled “newsroom” where hip “journalists”, barely out of puberty, pitch their story ideas to their boss, aka the “News Director.”

The boss is the grizzled veteran who then decides which story to run with.

Shall we cover where Tom Cruise took a whiz?  Or, Tori Spelling’s latest shopping excursion?

Who the hell cares?

I like watching the “News Director.”  He is always leaning on something with his arms folded.  His hairy forearms remind me of a Lowland Gorilla.  And he incessantly gulps so much coffee he’s bound to overwork his kidneys into Renal Failure.

I would gladly watch the community announcements channel rather than this garbage.  Save your brain cells and skip TMZ.

I’ll Have Another Cold One

Rocky Mountain High

I am not a beer drinker, but I come from a family of big beer drinkers.  In fact, the county of my hometown routinely ranks among the top in beer consumption per capita in the country!

So I can say I know my way around the beer aisle at the convenience store.

But recently, the Coors Brewing Company came out with the revolutionary “cold activation window” on bottles of Coors Light.

This ingenious “whatever” tells me my beer is cold when the mountains on the label turn blue in color.

Hmm, do I really need this?

Seriously?

Did someone pop the top on a brewski…take a swig…and then realize their beer wasn’t cold?

Are you kidding me?

Due to my MS, I’m numb from about the nipples down—my hands don’t have much sensation—but I can still tell when my beer is cold!

Coors, the Rocky Mountain beer for idiots.  Thanks Pete Coors, now I have one less thing to worry about when I drink!

So you wanna drain your brain?  Let me have it and clear your head.  You’ll feel better, I promise.

Till next time.

Courtesy has been thrown out the car window like a used cigarette butt.

Everyone has someplace to be and they needed to get there 10 minutes ago.

Driving today has become a lawless world reminiscent of Mel Gibson’s “Thunderdome.”

The old slogan of “Drive defensively” has been replaced with the new in-yer-face version……..

“Where THEY gotta go is more important than where YOU gotta go.”

(Wordy yes, but lots of brash self-importance!)

The finest example of today’s driving perspective can be found in any retail parking lot.

Isn't that Danny Bonaduce?

No lines or speed limits mean they can drive with hellbent abandon.  Not even the parking lots contain these Joie Chitwood stunt drivers as you can now find them rip-roaring through the highways & byways of your local cal-de-sac.

Remember, “where THEY gotta go is more important than where YOU gotta go.”

Hurry, Ashley has dance practice you moron!

Whether the person riding your bumper is “Minivan Mom” or “SUV Blue-Tooth Guy,” how dare you be on the road when they have shit to do (And they always have shit to do).

They have their Blackberry in one hand and a Mocha Latte in the other while they steer with who knows what appendage!

The grill of their vehicle fills the back window of mine like the rear end of a Walmart shopper fills spandex.  So close they follow, you can count the bugs in their radiator.  They are so close their license plate leaves an impression on the back of my head.

How dare they tailgate—don’t they see my Yosemite Sam “Back-off” mudflaps?

And when they go around they give you that despicable look of shame…shaking their head with disapproval & muttering to themselves.

I drive with hand controls so I can’t even “compliment” them on their obnoxious driving—reason to use my patent-pending, hands-free “Flip-Stick”……..

The "Flip Stick."

So no, I haven’t offered a solution to this ongoing problem, I just made light of it.  I’ll present my resolution in another My Odd Sock.  Right now I need to run to the store and then to the Post Office.  If you see me barreling down the road, just remember “where I gotta go is more important than where YOU gotta go.”

While recovery experts work to stop the ongoing BP oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico, a company spokesman for My Odd Sock, an MS based humor website, announced yet another recently discovered spill.

During a tension-filled press conference, information was disclosed detailing a second disastrous spill.

Major networks including the Golf Channel & the Food Network report the story.

A new leak of a thick, white, cheesy substance occurred on the second shelf in a refrigerator of the My Odd Sock kitchen facility.

The white substance was later identified as “Light Parmesan Alfredo” touting “50% less fat and 33% fewer calories.”

Sources familiar with Alfredo say the tasty sauce is best known as a partner to fettucine, but added “Alfredo is great on veggies & chicken.”

My Odd Sock then released the only known photo of the pending disaster…

The great alfredo spill.

Early estimates indicate Alfredo to be flowing from the source at a rate of two tablespoons per hour.

Experts on the scene were quick to declare no immediate danger to citizens living in the vicinity of the leak.

A sudsy bath for these lucky bottles!

Local wildlife was also safe, although several containers of SunnyD had to be cleansed of the cheesy goo adhering to their outer shells.

Several plans were formulated & reviewed as possible solutions to stopping the flow of Italian delight.

Suck it up!

The first plan involved collecting the spilled Alfredo by use an “insertion tube” or straw.  The sauce would be collected and then consumed.

The idea was abandoned over concerns of “raised cholesterol levels.”

The  second suggested plan centered around construction of a “Containment Perimeter.”

My Odd Sock "Containment Perimeter"

Officials worried the spread of the Parmesan-tainted creme would reach the vegetable crisper.

The “Containment Perimeter” was later dismissed as an ineffective solution.

Finally, a third plan was unveiled as the appropriate rescue alternative.

"We have a plan."

In plan number three, the container would be righted and the lid replaced to form an effective seal preventing future spillage.

A damp dishrag would then be used to wipe up the remaining Alfredo. 

Clean-up efforts were estimated to take approximately five minutes.

How ironic, the BP oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico…and the great My Odd Sock Alfredo spill.

Two simultaneous disasters happening at opposite corners of the world.

Both different, yet strikingly similar in conflict suffered by mankind.  Similar also in the human will….to right its wrongs.

I have a bad habit AND a dilemma.

My bad habit is not leaving a note telling others in my family of my whereabouts.

It’s a bad habit I am working hard to break……which leads me to my dilemma.

My dilemma is the odd assortment of household notepads from which I have to work with.

Here is a sample…….

The grocery list

I’m a listing guy.  I love lists and I like to create them.  But when composing a grocery list, the notepad must be large enough to contain all required provisions.

Oh sure, these heart-shaped notepads look darling on the shelf of the stationary store—but what functionality do they have?

Here is another one…….

The "W" pad

What is the purpose of this notepad?

I get dizzy just trying to write on it!

I guess it would be cute if your name was “Wilbur” or “Waldo”, but no one in my family has a name that begins with a “W”—so how the heck did this get in the house?….And why?

(Maybe that’s what the “w” stands for….”why“)

Thank goodness we have larger, more conventional notepads to work with.

Problem is…….they tend to have a feminine flair to them!

Ahhh, how sweet!

It’s kind of demoralizing to write a manly note on such frilly notepads.

Here is my favorite gender-neutering notepad…….

Sunflowers for everyone!

No testosterone needed here!

Now you know one of my bad habits…and how I am working to improve my communications skills.

Are you faced with similar issues?  Well, put on a skirt, curl up in the Papasan chair and we can chat about it!

The End

Usually “Brain Drain” is reserved for my silly beefs about something I’ve seen or done.  Always something that gets my goat.  But this time around I thought I would share some genius inspiration found around my home.

Shall we begin?……

Buns In The Oven

In our kitchen one can find the most incredible bread product EVER (according to the name on the wrapper).

This isn’t just a package of bread with an ordinary name like “hamburger buns” or “sandwich buns.”

No this is far beyond that.

May I introduce to you the ultimate in sandwich making reality…….

"Super Fresh Buns"

Yes, “Super Fresh Buns!”

Not just buns.  These buns are “super fresh.”  How can you pass an item like this in the store?  You MUST buy “super fresh” buns!

I mean, if there are two packages of buns on the shelf….one labeled “Buns” and the other labeled “Super Fresh Buns,” which one will you buy?  I’ll buy the latter every time!

And how confidently-brash are these bread executives?  They are so cocky.  Their buns aren’t just fresh, they are super fresh!  While the other bread companies have their heads buried in flour, this bread company boldly goes where others dare to reach….to the “super fresh” stratosphere!

What secret additive do they put in their product to make their buns “super fresh?”  Do we really care?  I am not bothered, I just want my burger served on a “super fresh” bun.

That’s marketing genius.  Period.

Let’s move along…..

Squeeze The Tube

Toothpaste—how long have you been using it?  And when the tube is running low—how long have you been squeezing, folding and pressing it along the edge of the counter to get one-more-toothbrush full of fluoride goodness from the tube?

Just how much toothpaste remains?

My toothpaste tube may be rail-thin, like a Paris fashion model, but I always think there is still more toothpaste remaining in that damn tube.

So I put my toothpaste through a series of torture movements that would make an evil chiropractor proud.

Twisting & torquing & pulling like a wrestler with the WWE–there is still some toothpaste in there, I just know it!

Well finally Colgate answers my prayers with a clear tube!…

A clear tube of toothpaste from Colgate

I can actually see how much toothpaste remains!

Sure, there is still some squeezing involved with the clear tube, but not nearly as much because you can see what’s left!

That’s dental hygiene innovation long overdo.

So that’s all for this edition of Brain Drain—genius around the home.

And I wasn’t negative at all.  See, I can be nicey-nice! 

If you see something worth a personal Brain-Drain, be sure to pass it along.  I’d love to hear about it.

Till we read again.

Disclaimer:

My Odd Sock is an expert on nothing, just an idiot on everything.