MS Anger

MS Anger

 

I got it.

 

Anger.  The force within. 

What is it?  Where does it come from?  Why does it exist?

I’ve had multiple sclerosis pert near 23 years now and still my anger can boil over like noodles on a stove.

I might not have the energy to lift my dead foot over a two-inch threshold, yet at the same time, anger swells 10x in frustration.

Does one ever get over that feeling?

I have always been a hot-head of sorts but since MS moved in my fire has intensified.  There is a never ending pile of wood to fuel the flames.

 

My teeth aren’t that straight.

My anger has never been directed at a person.  I wouldn’t hurt a flea.

But objects?  Whoa, they get me as angry as a bee in a window.

Stubborn buttons on a shirt.  Opening a water bottle.  Dropping the soap in the shower again & again.

Yesterday I needed scissors to cut open the wrapper of a candy bar.

Scissors?  Really?

The bank’s vault is always open yet I need friggin scissors to unwrap a candy bar?

That’s MS anger.

Me shuffling my way through the basement always ends with laundry, a sock or pair of underwear, hooked on my toe.

Same with bedsheets.  They love to hang on like their life depends on me NOT getting out of bed.

I’m throwing F-words at the sheets and it is only 7am!

That’s MS anger.

My canes bear the brunt of my frustrations.  They aren’t chipped, scratched & all gnarly from heavy use but from my temper.

They fall over all the time.  The sound pisses me off and I unload, whacking & swinging along with plenty of “F***ing canes!”

Same with “F***ing shoes” when they catch.

“F***ing feet” when they don’t work.

“F***ing legs” when they don’t move.

“F***ing MS” nearly all day.  Every day.

 

I thought I was alone in my anger till I read “Blindsided” by Richard Cohen.

An excellent book!

He is a long-time MSer and two-time cancer survivor.

Cohen is an ex-TV network news producer, writer and most notably the husband of TV personality Meredith Vieira.

He describes his MS anger much the same as mine (Though in way better detail).  A building-up of frustrating pressure till the cork pops at the slightest aggravation. 

(An MSers must read.  Especially from a man’s side.)

 

Problem with all this anger is that it only makes MS worse.

My muscles tighten making me more rigid than a mannequin at Kohl’s.  Honest Abe at the Lincoln Memorial has better range of movement.

Cooler heads prevail.  I know.  We all do.

Thus I try, I do try, to reign in my piss & vinegar.

Breathe…and…relax.

In…and…out.

Thinking of rainbows…and unicorns.

At least till the next time opening a bag of chips when F-words fly freely once again.

 

10 Replies to “MS Anger”

  1. I agree with all this f”””shit! Frustration times one million every day! I can’t begin to explain it but you covered it all. The most frustrating to me is when I go to walk and my legs, feet won’t move. Frustration plus tears 🤔 Always enjoy your posts and feel like you’re telling all of our stories too ♥️

    1. Joanne,
      Thanks for sharing your side. Tears are right. Frustration too. All wrapped up in a single day.
      Do your best & keep moving.

    1. Patty,
      I disagree with you 100%. You always seem so positive, so go with the flow. You are the positive influence that I strive to be. You have the right to bitch & moan yet you take it in stride and move forward. I respect that. Others do too. Thank you for helping me & anyone who meets you to swallow the whole grasp of MS. (And thanks for reading this lame website!)

  2. I never read Richard Cohen’s book, but have heard him speak over the years on various talk shows. The only book I ever read written by a celebrity with MS was the book “How Squiggy Caught Multiple Sclerosis and Didn’t Tell Nobody” by David Lander. I went to hear him speak probably 20 years ago at a MS program and purchased his book which he autographed.

    What probably makes me angry the most, is that I had all these plans for after I retired, and now because of my MS they are never going to happen. Unfortunately, I had to retire 5 years earlier than planned, on disability, and the rest is history.

    1. Margaret,
      I’ve never read Lander’s book but have heard his story.

      Yeah, plans tend to change but remember, with some adaptations, they can become reality. Try not to let MS slow you down–dampen your spirit…I like your feisty, barracuda style of keeping it real. Keep fighting & keep moving.

  3. Ha! This was me yesterday. Had an explosive rant about f***ing MS that went for about 30 minutes. My husband looked rather stunned and struggled to find the words to reply. There ARE no right words….sometimes you just have to release the pressure valve!

    1. Carla,
      Well said. Too bad your husband didn’t record it–I love a good rant! Thank you for reading & sharing your side. Keep in touch!

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