The Ant Can’t

The Ant Can’t

 

 

A true story.
A true story.

Disclaimer:

What you are about to read is true.  The stupidity portrayed is a sad example of human evolution.  Any resemblance to the person in this post?—you have the sympathy of the writer & all of mankind.  No insects were harmed in the creation of this blog.

 

 

It was snack time late one eveningas I shuffled my way into the kitchen.

Yogurt?  Peanut butter sandwich?  Peppermint patty?

Hmm, I couldn’t quite define the preference of my appetite.

That’s when I looked upward.

 

Another ant!
Another ant!

 

There, crawling on the ceiling was a black capenter ant.

We often find them in our home as the weather warms.

 

The ant’s defying of gravity was admirable, but it still had to be eradicated.

 

And I was the man to do the deed.

 

Because the creature was on the ceiling, it was out of arm’s reach.

So what beter way to mash the intruder than by using the tip of a cane!

 

Steady on, Orkin man.
Steady on, Orkin man.

 

 

I assumed an executioner’s stance beneath the ant.

My feet in a wide-base.  Shoulder’s width apart.

Using one cane to steady my balance, I slowly raised the other like a staff, about to kill the enemy above.

I tried to stab the moving bugger.  Miss.

A second try.  Miss again.

My third attempt (and miss) only angered the insect to scurry across the ceiling even faster.

 

A fourth stab.  Bullseye!  I heard the slight crunch of thorax.  Damn thee ant.  Die, I proclaimed.

 

A deathly stare.
A deathly stare.

 

I released the pressure of the cane against the ceiling ever so slightly…to which the now crippled pest was even fiestier.

The ant took several frantic paces before gravity’s pull became too strong.

The creature fell….perilously….into my gaping mouth.

I could feel him inside, madly crawling about my tongue, cheek & gums.

 

 

A pleasant image.
A pleasant image.

 

 

I bent at the waist to violently spat the ant from my pie hole.

 

Again…once, twice, three times before it became dislodged and landed on the kitchen floor.

 

 

 

Gotcha now!
Gotcha now!

 

 

Moments later, the ant met its doom beneath the sole of my New Balance shoe.

Mission accomplished.  Finally.

 

Certainly it was a life and death struggle reminiscent of Leo Dicaprio & the bear in the movie “The Revenant.”

 

And the lesson here?…..Never kill ants with your mouth open.

I learned.  Hopefully you have as well.

Happy hunting my friend.

 

sock

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3 Replies to “The Ant Can’t”

  1. I think you should also wear protective goggles and maybe a nose plug. If you have the kind of luck that I have, if my mouth is closed, the ant would probably fall in my eye, or in my nose. 🙂

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